Dec 09

Deep Sadness and Not Much More

Ugh, well I’ve been trying to write a blog post for three days now. If you know me well, you will know that when I hold it all in I am really upset and hurting. Well, maybe people don’t know that who know me well, because I am holding it in 🙂 Hey, I can be depressed and sad but still see the humor and irony in things.

It really started in on Sunday. I could feel it coming for no apparent reason other than I knew her birthday is coming up. It’s December 11, two days from now. She would have been 11. I can still hear her recite her name and birthdate for the nurses in her sweet little voice. You would think those memories would make me smile, and they do for about 10 seconds, then the tears come. Honestly, this week I feel like she just died all over again. I feel raw, angry, and very sad. I have shed so many tears I should be dehydrated.

Ah, now I remember what set me off on Sunday to begin with. Conditioner. To be specific, Pantene conditioner for curly hair. Shaun is really practical, so the week after we had Erin’s service he went to her bathroom and gathered all of the shampoo and conditioner bottles. She had a few different ones, and I don’t remember why. Using them to begin with nearly killed me. They were hers. I would have left them in her bathroom for years if he hadn’t brought them to ours.

Well on Sunday, I used the last drops of the Pantene conditioner for curly hair. And I cried. It was another ending, something else of hers that is gone now. And I thought of her hair. It was so pretty and thick and curly. She used to ask us to straighten it, but in the past year she seemed to really like it curly and left it alone. I also had wished that I had cut a large lock of her hair off. I asked the funeral home to do it, and they only gave me a small piece. I was disappointed but it was too late. All of that was going through my mind as I got out of the bath, and it is still rummaging around there.

Later in the day, I pulled a card. I thought, I need some encouragement and asked for some from the Universe. I pulled, again, Death: I am learning that endings are merely new beginnings. Grrr was what I was thinking. I get it – I’m saying my life is over and yet something ended and now there is a new beginning. Great advice, and probably true, but you live it and then come tell me how it went you assholes. And on that note, does anyone else ever wonder if God, Creator, the angels, guides, ETs, you insert a name here – do they ever realize the depths of our suffering on this planet? I can’t imagine they do, but if they do they are very cruel to lock us down here. This place has beauty and yet living here is excruciatingly painful. We put on a brave face, but it sucks.

Yesterday I tried again. I kept thinking, write about the conditioner. But I cried – loudly – all day from the time I stepped out of the bed. Please give me guidance! I said, and pulled a card…which was Patience: I accept that everything happens in divine order. Really? Granted it’s not one of my virtues, but damn, that’s the answer? It wasn’t helpful in any way that I can see so far. I’m open though – hit me Universe! Where’s the ray of hope in all of this?

Then there is today. I really woke up with dread today, and I was also back to my being unable to sleep past a certain point, which apparently only happens when I’m emotionally upset. I can remember when I was younger and a much different person, I had a bout of depression of sorts a few times and I just took some sinus medicine and slept for hours. It was a period in my life when I didn’t mind drugging myself up (not “drugs” I mean like Nyquil, etc.) and so I guess that’s why not sleeping is so new to me. Imagine going from what I suspect is undiagnosed Chronic Fatigue to staying up late and getting up early, all because you can’t sleep. I will probably crash at some point, but more than that I feel like an ass. All of Erin’s life I was tired and needed more sleep than they did. Which was a sore spot. And in the hospital, I was so exhausted that I slept through them working on her most nights in ICU. I felt guilty about it, even though they said they would wake me if they needed to. And now, I’m freaking up. I guess that’s some cruel joke.

I’m not as weepy today, but I’m weepy. And dreadful. And so looking for guidance, I pulled another card. Denial: I acknowledge my fear, but I replace it with the insight of awareness. Ok, if I replace my crap with the insight of awareness I would say this…I avoid feeling my emotions by constantly reading, playing some sort of game, watching TV, doing something (anything) to take my mind off of Me. I still have trouble believing this is all real, and I continually expect to see Erin walk out of her room. But the worst is the knowledge that I will wake up every day for as long as I live having to remember that my 10 year old daughter died right in front of me, and that I will never see her again. I wonder how I can go on like that, and I don’t see it ever getting any better. I had some hope for awhile, but not much anymore. Know why? I heard a lady the other day on a radio show. I had read her book, and her 16 month old daughter died and she described her devastation in her book. It was familiar to me. Well on the show, she says “It’s been 30 years and I still tear up and cry sometimes thinking of her.” She went on to say that she is surprised every time at how strong the emotion is after so long. Then someone else I was reading, they said you can’t be successful with holes in your heart. So thank you, nice people who write books,  and do sessions for me and those who write to me and encourage me, but I think it’s pretty clear that there is no way out of this one. There is only death or denial, and neither of those will be profitable to my spiritual journey in this lifetime. From that, I can deduce that there is only failure.

I can’t see my way out of this one. I have begged for a miracle to end my suffering. But I begged for one to save Erin’s life, and so I don’t expect any divine intervention. What would be the point? Then I wouldn’t learn whatever it is I’m supposed to get out of this. Plus there are other people suffering on earth. If there was a reason to help, there are people more worthy of helping out there. Still, my suffering is great. I guess that was it for today. Thank you for listening to me pour my heart out.


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