I read a friend’s blog post yesterday, and she said something like that she knows usually what her first sentence is going to be, and when she doesn’t, it’s an odd day. Something like that. Well I’ve said that about my titles, and I only mention it because I thought it odd that today’s title is Death and Gratitude. Those two things don’t really seem to go together. You probably already know from reading this blog that when things are juxtaposed as such, it’s an indication for me to take notice. So let me start at the beginning…
This has been a rough week. It’s not that I have been weeping non-stop, or that I have been incapacitated. It’s more that there are countless holiday commercials, people going on with their lives, Erin’s 11th birthday is coming up on next Thursday, and Shaun and I both are just very down. On that note, he has thus far “publicly” been more up than I have. He’s avoided it, but then it hit him. You would think I would enjoy the “company” but nope, I can see how badly he is hurting and that makes me hurt worse. We disagreed yesterday about something I was doing related to holiday stuff (personal, and a long story), and I couldn’t even open up enough to tell him my reasons why. It was too painful, so I just kept it in. Maybe I will write him a note since he doesn’t read my blog.
Anyhoo, I haven’t been writing or doing much introspection over the last few days because it was too painful. In fact, I’ve kept myself busy with some mental task or another so that I can block it all out. But yesterday I got off my arse and pulled a card. It was Death: I am learning that endings are merely new beginnings. Yippee. I already knew that. I suppose I haven’t embraced it, but I knew that. If nothing else, the understanding that who I was died with Erin is ample evidence that I do. But embrace it? Not a chance. How can I? I’ve said already that I have been set up to fail. I was given an impossible situation and expected to roll with it, apply higher understanding to it, and learn from it. Hey, I’m good but I’m not that good. And yet I wonder why I am still striving to meet this head on? There must be a part of me that believes I will somehow pass this test and get the pat on the back saying “I knew you could do it.” I’m either brilliant or I’m crazy. Or maybe I’m both, because who in their right mind analyzes their shitty life situations this way?
So moving on to today, just before beginning to write I pulled Gratitude: I am thankful for this life and the opportunities that it presents. Ugh, whatever. I told Shaun last night that honestly, it’s not that I wish anyone ill will because I don’t, but I would be lying if I said I was actually happy for anyone who has a life going well for them in any form or fashion. I am not happy for them or angry, but I’m not happy for them. I am not sure what type of gratitude, if any, I have left. And there is the point I think. I am smart enough to hear the universe saying “This is a gift, find your gratitude for it” but I don’t see it. I don’t want to see it. Perhaps I needed to admit that.
The irony is that the whole damn thing pisses me off. If I use what I think I know about how life and the universe works, and then look back at myself, I’m a stubborn child in all of this. I can hear myself saying, as if watching a TV show, “Man, can’t you see what is happening? You know how to get through this and you aren’t using your toolkit!” But the me that is living this is defeated. Well, maybe not 100% yet but it’s hard to bounce back from this.
I received a lovely email last night from one of Erin’s school friend’s mothers. Her child and two others who were also friends did a balloon release ceremony in Erin’s honor. It was so sweet but I nearly collapsed looking at the pictures. Once I’m feeling better, I will post them here and on Missing Erin.