Dec 01

Holiday Blues

Post holiday blues, holiday blues…take your pick because this entire season is going to be ridiculously tough for me. I struggle more on the inside, so when you see me you may think I look fine. Or, if you know me well, you can see it just under the surface. I keep a lid on it, somehow. That’s what being socialized in a male dominated world has done for me. So bravo! I can conduct business like a champ but on the inside, I am still dying.

If I could go back to say anything to Erin, maybe I would condense it into simply “Mommy can’t go on living without you. I will have to die with you my sweetest of peas.”

I was blessed with having a bad cold over the holiday. Yes, blessed. Because when I don’t feel well, my mind is on my body and not on my heart or mind. So I was rather unfeeling, and a lot asleep, over the holiday. But that changed last night after a barrage of holiday shopping commercials during The Walking Dead that we couldn’t change fast enough. As it turned out, both of us went to bed very sad (I cried into my pillow for awhile), and both of us woke up very sad and depressed. For the first time in a few weeks at least, I burst into tears as soon as I got out of bed.

From now on, Fall is just going to majorly suck for us. You have Halloween, Thanksgiving, Papa’s birthday on 11/27 (Pronounced “pawpaw”) which fell on Thanksgiving this year and no we did not celebrate it with him, Erin’s birthday on December 11, Christmas, and then Shaun’s birthday on January 1. Yippee. Not to mention the sucky summer coming up with Shaun’s brother Greg’s death in early May, the forever memory of our last anniversary being spent in the hospital with Erin (May 11), July and August – she died on August 14 and her service was on my birthday August 18 and she would have started the 5th grade, and my mother’s birthday October 16. All things that “family” celebrates or marks in some way that either brings you happiness or sadness.

That is the only paragraph or otherwise that I am going to mention the actual name of any damn holiday. Yes, I’m avoiding it, and I think that avoidance may be the only reason that I have had any joy at all in the last few weeks (if you can call it joy). There is a part of me that would like to say, if you have never grieved, take heed because your life will be shit when you do one day. It’s over. Live with it or don’t. And if you are grieving, I can’t believe that you and me both haven’t off’d ourselves yet. Why the hell are we still living? Beats me. We must be gluttons for punishment (I know I am).

Yet there is still a glimmer of the person that wants to say There must be a reason that I have to experience this, and I am going to hang in there and hopefully see what it is. I hope there is a reason. I need a reason, and so do you, and maybe together we can make it.

Just a glimmer. I am not sure I really believe my self-talk or the multidimensional shit that I have read and learned over the years. I also don’t’ want to hear that I’ll see her in Heaven one day. Whatever. That’s taking it on faith just as much as what I have come to understand, and neither of us knows. And, I still have to wake up every day and face this until the day I die. And, what kind of loving deity would put us through such heartache? None that I know of. Which brings me back to there must be a reason, and I must have had some hand in planning this between lives, or whatever. Well, Balls. That’s the nicest thing akin to a curse word that I can come up with for my blog post without cursing a blue streak.

I am bitter today. Bitter, bitter, bitter. That may have even replaced the sad. Oh, and my card for the day…Freedom: I possess the power and the free will to create my own happiness. Again, balls.

No peace, no blessings, and no Namaste. #missingerin

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