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Nov 24

Why do I get all the hard stuff?

Today I pulled three cards. When you do a three card spread, the first card (L) is the immediate past, the second card is the present, and the third card (R) is the immediate future. You know that time is funky, so they can all be happening nearly simultaneously depending on how fast your life seems to flow at the time.

Card one was Envy: I am the same as everybody but with different challenges. I pulled that card 2-3 times last week or the week before (I have forgotten now), and I don’t quite understand its message for me. The subtext, ok I get that but I don’t see how it applies. Perhaps it has meaning in the sense that I have wished many times that I could have kept my child like other people, but in wishing that I didn’t consider their challenges? We all have challenges and some are the same and some aren’t. Comparing them, we may overlook that another’s challenge is felt with the same magnitude as ours even though we don’t view it that way. For instance, earlier today I said I’d rather be homeless than to be without Erin. She and I could have made it in a box – at least we would have been together.

Card two was Failure: I understand that a mistake is only an opportunity to learn. Ah, this I know well and I have “preached it” so many times. Yet I carry my perceived mistakes like some stinking old baggage and while yes I learned from them, I can’t seem to put them down. I did not see this as a dominant theme for me this week, though. I guess that’s why I pull the cards – to see what I’ve missed.

Card three was Adversity: I accept that challenges are the best way to learn. Grrrrr (that’s a growl, and yes I audibly growled). That I know too, but damn, I have more challenges coming? And I have to accept that? Hell no! Well maybe, OK, as long as I don’t have to repeat this shit over in another lifetime whether incarnate or disincarnate. Let’s get it over with.

I have pulled these three cards, separately, so many times that I bet my Team, as I call them, are just short of throwing them at me. I would be. But getting from the head to the heart is harder than it looks, and vice versa. Maybe I’m stuck somewhere in between and just have to get over some sort of hump.

At any rate, I woke today and it feels like a dream that Erin was ever even alive. I admit that the thought of that brings tears to my eyes, because I can still feel what that means, but the whole idea of her is fuzzy. I can no longer remember what it is like to have her in the house. The vivid memories are gone, unless they are called up by something in particular. I can barely hear the sound of her voice, see her curls and her face, and other stuff. I have to focus very hard to conjure the image up, and looking at pictures I think “Wow” because I can’t really picture those memories the way I did before. Maybe it’s a blessing, who knows. I’m sure it won’t last. I had an episode earlier today where I could think of nothing but the moments preceding her death. I could see myself there but I couldn’t feel it.

Before the melancholy sets in as it gets dark, let me wish you peace, blessings, and love. Namaste and #missingerin .

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