Nov 21

Honesty

No idea what today’s theme is, unless I take a cue from the card I pulled, which was Honesty: I can’t always expect the truth from others, but I can expect it from myself. Can I? Because I’ve been trying to fake it until I make it and have kept believing that I could shake this sadness and I’m not really sure I can now that I think of it. Perhaps admitting I may fail is the key here? I am not sure. Perhaps being unsure is the key? I think I’m getting to the meat of what I am to learn today. Well, I’m unsure of that also. Perhaps it’s all lies and distraction.

In fact when dealing with our psyche, I would say much of what goes on in our heads is lies and distraction. We tell ourselves we look good when we feel that we look awful. We tell ourselves that someone loves us when we do not feel loved. We tell ourselves that situations will be OK, when we know they will not. Lies and distraction. It’s valuable – it helps us get through the moment.

And that is precisely why it’s valuable. Even a Jedi Master would use distraction and the art of self-deception to get through a tough situation (such as torture, perhaps). You “go somewhere else” mentally, quiet your mind, etc. You disengage from what is really happening around you. The difference between us and them, is that being a Master, it is unlikely they will believe the lie after the situation has passed. Most of us, though, we keep believing the lies our psyche builds because it makes us feel better.

I feel that I am at least better off than some because I recognize that what I am “using” is a lie. If I couldn’t see and acknowledge that, I would be bad off for sure. Or if you look at it another way, blissfully ignorant. Since I am a seeker – knowledge, wisdom, etc. – well I have already taken that blue pill (or was it the red one?) and I am wide awake, eyes open, and no longer able to be blissfully ignorant. I wonder sometimes if I have done myself a favor or a disservice in that regard.

Well anyway, I am honestly miserable. If I am honest with myself, I am miserable most all of the day. I try not to be, but it’s just there. I’ve been told over and over that Erin doesn’t want me to be sad. Hell, I was told that by good Mediums. And I know it already for reasons that I can’t quite explain. Well, what did anyone expect to happen? That I would be happy? It is as if I’m set up to fail.Or hey, maybe I’m the person on Earth who will crack this how to be happy after someone you love dies! Yeah, I’m sure that is it.

I think I’ve derailed myself with those details…to be honest. Funny how that term keeps coming up! I also have that Billy Joel song, Honesty, playing in my head in the background. Over and over. You know, the words are talking about his relationship with others, but you’ve got to admit that it’s a sad and lonely feeling song. And when we peel back the veil and see the ugliness, in all of its truth, it sort of feels the same way.

Walking the line between sugarcoating or flat out lying to myself, and seeing the cold hard truth for what it is, is exhausting. But it’s sometimes necessary for me to cope with my current life experience. I am sure it is for at least some of you, too. Just remember to look, later when you can, at what you are really thinking, experiencing, feeling, and address it as soon as you are strong enough.

I should end by apologizing for this half-article, half-blog train of thought post because it may be confusing. Well that and I wrote it over the course of a few hours (I tend to do that anyway). It was what I needed to face today. I am pretty melancholy, but every bit of realization takes me closer to … well closer to something.

Peace, blessings, and Namaste.

#missingerin

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