Good morning all! I am in pretty good spirits today. The sadness is still there, always in the background, but I have a little bit of a spring in my step. Things are shifting.
Funny that I just wrote “sandness” instead of sadness. You know I don’t believe in coincidences. I was meant to see that message. Sand is gritty, and if you think of what sand does to the landscape, landmarks, etc. it ERODES them and it changes them into sometimes unrecognizable things. They are different. Sand paper, it smooths rough surfaces, and sometimes strips the finish off. It also changes whatever it is applied to. Refines it even.
And so has the sadness I have experienced. It has indeed washed over me like a sandstorm, continuous for three months, and I am forever changed. I’m not sure if I am refined, but since you ask (hehehe), just before writing this I pulled a card. It is Pride: I love myself, and I see myself in everyone. Now that I type that, I’m not sure how it applies, but my heart and mind both made a connection just prior to re-reading it. So, here in mid-sentence I looked it up. According to Webster’s definition:
: free of unwanted substances
: improved to be more precise or exact
Not bad huh? You can apply both of those definitions to the paragraph I wrote about sand and sand paper. I left out the social class definition. Who gives a damn about social class – not me!
Ah, and as I stopped yet again to get a cup of coffee (I multitask a lot), I remembered that today I was supposed to write about the feather from two days ago. And then I wondered, what the heck does that feather have to do with all of this? Isn’t that two blog posts and not one? Uh-uh I heard, and it was revealed to me. Let me start at the beginning.
I don’t know if you’ve ever heard that finding feathers is often your loved one who crossed over letting you know that they are with you? I have heard that for years. A day or two after Erin died, I found a feather. I picked it up and put it in my purse, and the poor feather is worse for wear but that is where it will stay. But around 2 weeks ago, Shaun and I were at Bridgestreet and I found another feather. I promptly picked it up and took it home. Keep in mind, both of these were lone feathers. It’s not like I thought I was getting a message when there were 10 around. There wasn’t even 2 around – just lone feathers. So anyway, I took this one out immediately and put it into my pen holder on my desk here, and there it has stayed. Until two days ago anyway, because when I came down to work and got ready to write in the blog, guess what I saw? The feather was sitting ON TOP OF MY DECK OF CARDS very nicely put as if someone had placed it there. Nothing else was knocked over or out of place, so it couldn’t have been the cat. She would have made a mess and I would have heard her rummaging around in the pen holder. Uh uh, Erin put this feather there for me. As I said, I am sad all of the time. It has just shifted around, and so I can manage it differently, but it’s still there.
And now back to the link up with the feather, and the sand, because I almost forgot what I was just shown via spirit. When we leave these bodies, you know that we immediately are free of the denseness of this planet. Regardless of your beliefs, I think most people think that once we “die” and leave our bodies, we go into some refined state. Just think about ideas about how it will be in heaven, or in the afterlife, or in other dimensions – you pick your belief system and I think it fits. The minute she moved on she was more refined by the very definitions above. She is showing me that she is in the “higher realms” by giving me the feather. Even if symbolic, it told me she’s an angel which is really just a higher dimensional being, serving and living in the light of the creator.
So anyway, I really love how writing leads me down these roads of illumination and how cool the journey is every time I do it. This is a slow journey, this grief thing, and like it or not it has overtaken my life and my spiritual path. Maybe it was always meant to be? I don’t know, but it has engulfed me, and I guess my team needs to show me that it has value and that it is slow but moving and shifting. You know, I know that it is all of that, but I gotta tell you that I have bitched and moaned and I don’t like it one bit. I promise you that if Erin said to me right now, Mommy I saved the whole universe by leaving my body behind, I would say well I don’t care me and you could have gone to another universe! And I will never be ashamed of feeling that way because as a mother, how could I feel any differently? But I can see the breadcrumbs of this journey when I step back a little bit and let what I Know kick in. And when I open myself to messages. If you don’t like the usage of the word team, insert guardian angels. Trust me – don’t get hung up on dogma. I bet we believe closer to the same things than you think, just different specifics.
On that note, I will close with something I read the other night in a book by a native American elder that I’m reading. He said something like the Native Americans don’t get hung up on trying to figure out the particulars of the Great Mystery – the creator. Why? How could we possibly ever know the greatest mystery ever? We couldn’t. And neither could any of my fellow humans. Be open to learning. If I had closed myself off during this grief process – and I did at the very beginning – I would be much worse than I am now. And I would be without hope or direction. I know I don’t know everything. I do want to learn though!
Peace, love, and blessings and Namaste. Oh, and WDE and Go Dawgs! I have to throw that in for my teams on tomorrow. (For those of you who don’t know, I have family who lives in Starkville and graduated from MSU, so they are always my 2nd team.)
PS – Large blue and purple wrist bands came in. If you want one let me know! I started mailing them out yesterday!