I pulled a card from my deck late today. I went out with friends last night, had a rather good time, got home late, and was tired all day. I sang karaoke too. Never do that, but I love to sing! I have had a change in perspective since Erin died. I care much less about what others think, and heck, I didn’t care too much before. But I still had intricate hang ups like everyone, and singing in public was one of them. What if my voice wasn’t good enough? Well who cares – last night I sang my heart out and had fun doing it.
And I need to digress a moment about that…I mentioned lately and before, that since Erin died the song has left my heart. Truly, it has. I couldn’t come up with a damn thing that was worth singing. Nothing speaks to me anymore. Finally I picked Allison Krause, or Keith Whitley if you get technical about it since he was the writer and first to record, When You Say Nothing At All. It’s about that heart connection, and while it’s a love song it could easily be between you and your child. And it’s pretty.
Next came Indigo Girls, Closer to Fine. It’s a rant, and a thoughtful one. After that, Shaun had said something that had me dead set on I Hate Myself for Loving You by Joan Jett. Yeah, anyone in a relationship for any period of time can identify. And finally, Stairway to Heaven. I can’t believe I sang that, but it’s the prettiest damn poem that I know set to music (i.e., a song). It’s deep. If you don’t listen to the words, you need to. Do it over and over. It’s relevant and speaks to me.
So the song in my heart came back for a bit, but it took some work. But you can see it in the songs that speak to my emotion. But nothing light and airy. That ship sailed.
Are you wondering about change yet and how it fits in? I pulled that card, Change or: I understand that nothing can grow or evolve without movement. And yeah, I understand that. In fact, I can endure it as long as it’s not my child dying. The irony, of course, is how much things have changed in my life and yet, I cannot change how I feel. I cannot change this sadness. It is here, and it is permanent. There is little chance that I can ever transmute that emotional trigger for this situation that I am experiencing. See how I put that in the terms that I would use to teach someone else? It’s an emotion, tied to this person and experience. You process it, transmute it into compassion in the heart chakra, or that’s the idea. How can I do that in this case? I think that I am set up for failure here.
I also almost finished the book about the 10 things dead people want you to know. I have to say, it’s a perspective shifter. In fact, the book isn’t entirely about the dead and what they want you to know, but it is tied to that in an odd way. At any rate, it shifted some things within me. But it also triggered floods of tears and wailing in some sections.
I am thus in the midst of great change, and stuck at the same time. I don’t know how other people feel when grieving and sad, and I can’t say if I’m really on the grief fast track as I discussed with Lisa G. the other day, or if I’m just stuck and sad. Sad as in pitiful is what I mean this time.
The bitter truth is that change is the great motivator. Neither me nor anyone else would ever grow if we weren’t forced to via the mechanics of change. I look back at how I could have stopped this nightmare train, and I never had a chance. It was set in motion and probably executed when our souls most needed it. That is my truth, but I don’t like it. It is a sucky truth. Whatever. This is some sort of grand gift. I get that too. I get the sacrifice and love that went into it, and I get that Erin’s soul was done. You see that I repeat myself on this subject a lot. It’s because I think about it – a lot. I suppose I am examining it, seeking another answer, and I don’t find one. I don’t like the answer, but then, I wouldn’t like any answer.
I missed my baby today more than I can tell you. I want nothing more than to see her, to hug and kiss her, and hold her again. That’s it – there is nothing more.
Hugs and blessings to you and yours.