I am starting out this post today with no title. I think I said before, I usually have a theme in my mind before I start writing, but on days I do not but yet know I need to write, well, it is frustrating. In those cases, I work through my issues here.
Have I found my answer already? I pulled a card first thing this morning – Doubt: I release the need to know all the answers. Hmmm…I looked at the card just before I began typing, thought about it for a title, and tossed the idea because I still did not understand. Perhaps that’s the point – I don’t know all the answers, but I want or need to? I release the need – I just said it aloud. Hope that worked.
Now, I know that I don’t always need to know details. For instance, I know the general mechanics of how the planets orbit, turn, etc., but I don’t need to know specifics to sleep at night. There are other more pressing questions that I personally have on any particular subject, and I get to a point of knowledge where I don’t need to know more, I’m satisfied. I wonder what I am not satisfied with? I don’t even know the subject matter! I have been crying a little today, missing Erin and realizing that it’s now been so long, it seems like her even being here was a dream. But that’s just a sadness. What do I need to know the answer to? What am I doubting? That I had a daughter? Perhaps.
The fog of her existence is great at times. She seems unreal to me now, as if she never existed except in a story. The story has changed and she is no longer here, no longer real. Well I know that’s not true, but it seems true at times. And that made me sad today. Very sad. I am still unclear if this is the doubt my card refers to.
There are other things I have had my mind on today. For one, I found that I am incredibly irritated with specifics related to my job (career). I seem to have many answers, and wonder why others don’t have the same type of knowledge or wisdom that is needed to do their own jobs. In my youth I would have been quite pleased that I am so smart and that I know so much, but now I am more balanced and respectful of scopes of work and responsibility. I also am now smart enough to know that I do not know everything. I understand the bigger picture, though, and it’s irritating that others don’t. I deal with this daily from multiple people in multiple roles. Why don’t people know the things that I know? I am not special. Perhaps I am and I should recognize that. Either way it does not make me feel better to look out upon apathetic ignorance. Yep, there’s a Mrs. Lawson word for those of you who had her.
I am also painfully aware that I am forging a new life now without my child, and not only do I not know where this is going, I don’t like it, and I also don’t much care. I guess it’s a good thing that I don’t need all of the answers, because for now I think my core beliefs and values are guiding me down a path that is part survival, and part growth. I don’t know where I’m going but I guess I know which roads NOT to take. Great – “Here I Go Again on My Own” by Foreigner (??) is playing in my head. Funny I can’t remember who sang it but I hear all of the words.
And that leads me to another thought. Have you seen the (newer) Muppets Movie? Heard Life’s A Happy Song? Well, it’s when there is someone else beside you to sing along. I know I have a chorus of people to sing along with, especially Shaun, but without Erin’s voice it’s not a very happy song. I used to tell her that there was a song for everything. I swear, there was a song for everything she said or did, or had to do. Brushing your hair? I had a song for it. You get the idea. My songs have ended since she died. I hadn’t thought of it but once since, but it comes to mind now. I can’t think of a song for brushing your hair, but I bet I could have once and effortlessly.
Well that’s enough gloom for the day. I need to take the advice I got at the end of my session with Lisa G. on Monday, specifically from my team, to not misconstrue sadness with depression. It was good wisdom, and that’s why I share it with you today. I’m also going to say that aloud, and talk myself out of the pit I’m currently dropping into.
Hugs, peace, and blessings to you <3