Ugh, I pulled today’s card and got Empathy: I am open to seeing both sides of a situation. It seems that my guidance really wants to drill into me that I am learning something here. I mean, seriously, if I were mentoring someone who was getting the messages I am getting I would say “I can’t help you if you don’t hear those very straightforward messages you are asking for and receiving.” I really would. I know I’m stubborn, and I’m lazy. But I’m also hurting. So can I get a little break here?
I think I have paid my dues and whatever it is, I think “they” should just give it to me. Knowledge? Lay it on me. Something else? I’ll take it. Don’t make me suffer any further for it. I’m not sure I can take it.
Yet, I know that is a lie. I can take a lot. I already have. I just don’t want to.
The empathy is for Erin’s spirit. Her Spirit had other plans, and I have to honor those. I have to be able to see my side and her’s. Look, I’m not a Buddha, so this is hard for me. And yeah, I am still pissed off that I get these damn in my face messages. I know, I know and yet I have to be reminded. How much clearer could I hear and I still don’t listen?
I had a lunchtime reading today with Lisa Gawlas. This might have been the most interesting one yet. She saw initially a dark sea, with a lighthouse beam. As she was searching for “me” all that I could think about was my old English teacher Margaret Lawson quoting “Alone, alone, on a wide, wide sea. Never a saint took pity on my soul in agony.” I should have told her that actually, because the irony is funny. I’ve been complaining that I can’t find the doorway out of this…the lighthouse beam was my door. Oceans or waters are metaphors for the collective unconscious, which is pure emotion. The next bit, well let’s just say I was stuck in the “old.” Not surprising, but it was time to move on. She apologized for saying, but my team wanted me to know that I have to fast track this grieving process. Which, again, is all me. I jump in with both feet and throw caution to the wind. I ask for it. I’m a glutton for punishment and I know it.
I’m angry that I am being asked to consider empathy. I’m not angry with Erin, but at my “team” as I call them. You know, the guardian angels I chose to help me with this lifetime. Why doesn’t anyone care about what is happening to ME? Why does it feel like there is only Erin’s soul path to consider? Ugh, I have the answer already. Because it is not typically Human to consider how others are feeling when you are so off-balance and hurting. So the emphasis is there, so that I do not forget. Emphasis and constant reminders.
Way back when, I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I decided to embark on this path of spiritual growth and knowledge? Because this is hard. Sometimes, it just plain sucks.
In other news, I forgot the world for a little while on Friday evening when I met friends out for Halloween. One friend I was with, who is currently separated from her own children, said it was odd to be out doing the “adult without kids” thing. And that couldn’t be more true. It was odd, and a tad uncomfortable. But I got through Halloween without crying, and I actually had a good time. And then I was so tired the next day that I sort of blew through the rest of the weekend laying in the bed or on the couch, and didn’t come back to reality until mid-day yesterday. I know these things are band aids, but they are effective in the short-term.
May you all find empathy today, even if it’s just fleeting. Blessings.