Oct 24

ATWT

That’s a throwback for you old soap watching people! Ok, maybe not old, but you know what I mean. As the World Turns…that was my theme earlier when I was running an errand and wondering what to title my evening post. Although, I no longer recall why it was relevant.

That might be a good thing…yesterday was a baaaaadddd day. It began and ended badly. I sobbed loudly all day long, and into the evening. I was so depressed that I hoped my life would end. I told Shaun today, half joking, that I am going to stop wishing to die in my sleep because I’ve had too much disappointment and can’t take anymore. Don’t judge me. If you felt like I did for any extended period, you’d wish for it too and want others to be happy for you on the day it came.

But I digress. Today I felt…different. Not good but different. It feels as if the grief is behind a wall of sorts. If any of you watch Supernatural, remember when Sam’s memories were behind a wall? That’s exactly what it feels like. I feel it there. IT. The grief and sadness. But it’s not up front yelling at me to come and join it. This must be what it feels like for those who live with this. Is this what acceptance feels like?

Around two weeks ago, a very nice but anonymous neighbor wrote me a lovely note (that I cried while reading) and gave me a gift certificate to Terrame that they had won at a silent auction. It was basically for a facial, and I called and went right after work this afternoon. It was nice, and I am fairly relaxed. I keep getting that card about my physical body and I could feel it was time to attend to it.

Today, before the facial, I pulled a card. This time, it is Gratitude: I am thankful for this life and the opportunities that it presents. Again, the card cuts me deep. I understand that every change, no matter how painful, is also an opportunity. I accept that this is my new reality. I do not like it, so how can I have gratitude?

It’s almost dinner time. Shaun fixed salmon and butterbeans and I guess we will watch the season premiere of Grimm. Oh, and one of our dear friends had tickets to the Auburn game, so we are going down tomorrow to go with her. I am excited, and hope I don’t cry. Erin never got to go to Auburn or to a game, which I’ve mentioned. I miss our friend a lot though, as her daughter was one of Erin’s two bestie’s and I miss them in my life. Maybe I can muster up a good time, if the wall that is holding back the extreme sadness will hold.

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