I am all over the place this morning. I woke up tired and upset, and felt like I actually had something missing in my heart chakra area. I am not sure I’ve quite felt that way yet, and so it was noticeable. I notice all sorts of subtle changes in myself on a daily basis both physically and emotionally. If you aren’t paying that sort of attention to your body, you should. Yes, I just shoulded all over you.
So that said, before I let my misery get me off track, I took the plunge yesterday and did a few things. I bought 100 purple silicone wrist bands that say Erin Alyssa Canter on one side and #missingerin on the other. I’ll be happy to give you one, and to order more. She was my gift and so I will gift her memory to the world ongoing. Also, I have started using a hashtag for the first time in my life – #missingerin. I encourage any of you and your children who are online and miss Erin, or just want to honor her, to use it. Hey, maybe it will trend and she will touch even more lives.
On that note, I also decided what the heck, and I bought the domain name http://www.missingerin.net. I had several choices and I like .net’s, so there it is. I’ll be moving the sparse content from the http://erin.bluestarhome.net over there and make it permanent. I would LOVE it if Erin’s friends and family can actually post comments, etc. and remember her there. I enjoy writing you, but haven’t had even one comment here. It all gets posted on FaceBook, which is fine if you are on FaceBook, but some people aren’t. Anyway, that is that. I hope to feel good enough to build it ASAP.
But I am not feeling good today. I think subconsciously, I am actually accepting that she is gone. I keep pulling the same darn cards over and over, too. Desperate for some comfort, I pulled a card. It was Freedom. The subtext says “I possess the power and the free will to create my own happiness.” On Tuesday when I was at the grief counselor, we talked about this card. I had pulled it before and it royally pissed me off. I did not want to be free in this way. Everyone wants freedom, like freedom to choose what they do and how they live their lives. And the fact that I am now “Free” is not lost on me. I have time and money to do whatever the heck I want to now. I don’t want it though. No one asked me, and I would never have paid this price. Yet I feel this is my fault somehow. The choices that I made lead me to this point. I have been focusing on the event, the choices that Erin’s soul made, but keenly feeling my own in the background while not admitting it to myself outright.
BAck to the counselor…she pointed out that she intuitively “got” that the freedom was Erin’s. At that point I was stumped, but then realized that during my session with Krista Kaine, she said that Erin wanted me to know she was free. I think I glossed over that, because really I didn’t want her to be free. Free is beautiful, except when it’s in regards to the event of your child’s death. I should be happy for her but instead I am sad for me.
At any rate, I have to redo the Formula completely. I had an epiphany mid-blog here when I got up to go to the bathroom. Have I mentioned that I cry when I go to the bathroom? I do, and it’s a long story but it happens every time. Anyway, I realized that I am most angry with me. I wasted the short time that I had Erin in my life. There were times I knew I should be spending time with her and instead I did something I wanted to do. I could have spent more time. I could have been kinder. I could have done a lot of things and I knew better, but I let myself do something else instead. I let life get in the way. And now she is gone. So yes, I am angry. I am angry with me, and with damn destiny and fate. I’m angry that I am still here because I don’t want to be. I am a miserable mess and that’s the way it is. I don’t know how I could possibly ever give anything of value to the rest of the world because I am broken. Since finding emotional clearing and using it, I have been stable but now I am broken. Erin’s physical body broke, but my emotional body is broken. I know no way of fixing it. I suppose that I do in fact have the freedom to create my own happiness, but I no longer see the point.
If you have been on an emotional roller coaster reading this today, that is my life now. I cannot control it nor do I invite it in, but I feel like a manic depressed type person who is up and down. The problem is, the ups have nothing to do with me. They are all organized around something I am watching, reading, or someone I am talking to. When I am alone with me, or even with Shaun, I am not just down but way down. This is a nightmare that doesn’t end. So there you have it – more stuff. And things.