Oct 22

Acceptance

So yesterday I had a session with my grief counselor, and today I just went to the Formula’s page to remember what the next step was, with intentions of finishing it up of course. Here’s what I found:

6. Can I accept the role that Erin has played, along with her actions, to help me learn this lesson?

The answer – NO! HELL NO! How can I accept that Erin’s soul thought it was best to leave and leave me here? Obviously this is why I am stuck. If I am honest, I cannot accept this. I refuse to. So I am stuck here.

Let me share what I told my grief counselor yesterday. I don’t even know what brought it up, but she asked a question and this popped into my mind, clear as day.

I am sitting at a forked road. I’m on a bench. There are two paths (tracks?) and Erin is gone. She clearly got on one of the trains, or buses or whatever, and I am sitting quite alone on this bench. Someone has given me a ticket to ride, and I have a briefcase. The briefcase has the mission assignment inside, and the ticket is to wherever I am going. The mission is the future of course, the ticket is my indicator to get on the train/bus. I think it’s a bus. At any rate, I know Erin is gone. I know she has moved on. And I know I have what I need now to do the same. But I don’t want to. “Screw you” I yell to whomever provided this to me. SCREW YOU. I am not going. I don’t care. I will just sit here and rot.

And here I sit, still, today. I know what happened, but I do not accept it.

Webster’s defines accept as “to receive or take (something offered).” I am not receiving this, I am not taking it. It was offered but I do not accept. I don’t accept that Erin is no longer here, and I don’t accept moving on. Clearly, I am at an impasse with the Great Mystery and my own Spirit. It may not change anything but I am registering my discontent in a very strong way.

I know that I am stuck until I can accept this and move on, and I’m not sure I care to do anything about that. Now I can feel the anger that I have towards being forced down this road that I do not want to go on. Maybe if I sit at the crossroads long enough, she will come back? That’s not how it works here in 3rd dimensional Earth. I don’t like that, and I don’t accept it.

 

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