I know I said that I would finish the Formula of Compassion on Erin today, but I am not sure that I can just yet. For whatever reason, it opened up a lot more emotion and I have had a hard time dealing with it. Ok, I just lied. It’s about letting go. If I let go of this emotion, do I also let go of Erin? No, but it’s not that cut and dry either. You see, when I speak of knowing that means what I know in my mind. Logic. It can be argued, it can be finite in its nature, and it can be absolute. But the Knowing comes from the heart. Some call it their gut, some guidance or intuition, and some even call it divine. Regardless, the heart always Knows even when the mind does not know. So I Know that when I am done processing, and releasing, that I will have let go of my old life. My mind knows that I cannot go back to who I was before Erin, nor can I go back to when I was Erin’s Mommy. Those “eras” are now gone, lost in linear time. I guess if I had to describe where I am now, it’s in limbo, a sort of purgatory. I know where the door is, but I don’t quite know how to get out or if I even want to.
During the night, I woke to several dreams. I can only clearly recall two of them, well, really only the important part. In one, I was sitting with a grandmother, and her granddaughter and her cousin or friend, both around the age of 5 or 6, were sitting on the couch and hugging each other. They were smiling at me and laughing, like sisters would do. The love they held for each other was clear.
So I woke up and in my mind screamed, why would I dream this! This is torture! I do not want to see other, happy kids! And I went back to sleep.
I don’t know how many of these dreams there were, but there were more than I remembered. The next one I remembered was a father walking with his arms around his young daughter, around the same age. I could see the kids clearly in each of these dreams. And so again, I woke wondering, screaming, why was I being tortured.
At some point this morning, I woke and was finally told that I was being of service to these people. I was helping them. I was being shown my gift and in dreamtime I went out and I put it into practice. Now this is all very nebulous, but at the time I understood completely.
I should also mention that just before bed last night, I came across an article about surrendering…again. And if that wasn’t enough, this came in a newsletter (found here online):