Oct 21

Uh, Ugh…Sigh

I know I said that I would finish the Formula of Compassion on Erin today, but I am not sure that I can just yet. For whatever reason, it opened up a lot more emotion and I have had a hard time dealing with it. Ok, I just lied. It’s about letting go. If I let go of this emotion, do I also let go of Erin? No, but it’s not that cut and dry either. You see, when I speak of knowing that means what I know in my mind. Logic. It can be argued, it can be finite in its nature, and it can be absolute. But the Knowing comes from the heart. Some call it their gut, some guidance or intuition, and some even call it divine. Regardless, the heart always Knows even when the mind does not know. So I Know that when I am done processing, and releasing, that I will have let go of my old life. My mind knows that I cannot go back to who I was before Erin, nor can I go back to when I was Erin’s Mommy. Those “eras” are now gone, lost in linear time. I guess if I had to describe where I am now, it’s in limbo, a sort of purgatory. I know where the door is, but I don’t quite know how to get out or if I even want to.

During the night, I woke to several dreams. I can only clearly recall two of them, well, really only the important part. In one, I was sitting with a grandmother, and her granddaughter and her cousin or friend, both around the age of 5 or 6, were sitting on the couch and hugging each other. They were smiling at me and laughing, like sisters would do. The love they held for each other was clear.

So I woke up and in my mind screamed, why would I dream this! This is torture! I do not want to see other, happy kids! And I went back to sleep.

I don’t know how many of these dreams there were, but there were more than I remembered. The next one I remembered was a father walking with his arms around his young daughter, around the same age. I could see the kids clearly in each of these dreams. And so again, I woke wondering, screaming, why was I being tortured.

At some point this morning, I woke and was finally told that I was being of service to these people. I was helping them. I was being shown my gift and in dreamtime I went out and I put it into practice. Now this is all very nebulous, but at the time I understood completely.

I should also mention that just before bed last night, I came across an article about surrendering…again. And if that wasn’t enough, this came in a newsletter (found here online):

It always happens when a Buddha is there: his physical presence becomes so meaningful. and then he dies. Everything is shattered. Even a disciple like Ananda, his most intimate disciple, started crying and weeping when Buddha said, “Now I have to leave this body.” For forty years Ananda was with Buddha, twenty-four hours, just like a shadow. He started crying and weeping like a child; suddenly he had become an orphan.

Buddha asked,” What are you doing?”

Ananda said, “It will be impossible now for me to grow. I couldn’t grow when you were there so how can I grow now? It may be now millions of lives before I come across a Buddha again, so I am lost.”

Buddha said, “My understanding is different, Ananda. When I am not there you may become enlightened immediately, because this has been my feeling — you have become too much attached to me, and that attachment is working like a block. You have become too much attached to me; that very attachment is working like a barrier.” And this happened as Buddha said. The day Buddha died, Ananda became enlightened. There was nothing to cling to then. But why wait? When I die, then you will become enlightened?

Why wait?


You think I didn’t know what that was all about? As I stated yesterday, the enlightened part of me does. It Knows. I have nothing to cling to, since the day Erin died. And yet I have repeatedly screamed at my team (I like that description, too, so I think I’ll use it) that it is now impossible for me to grow. Yes, it pisses me off. Because I also Know that is a fallacy and that if I remain living, I will grow. I may grow (or go) kicking and screaming, but I will grow. That is what us seekers do. At heart, I am a warrior and always have been. But I did not enter into this one willingly, and I am not cheerful about it. In fact, it sucks a big one.

So hell, I have no idea where I am going with this now but that usually means that I have gotten all of “it” out  and so there it is. One day I really haev to get back to writing structured articles that someone can actually follow. But for now, train of thought, in the moment, is how it’s coming out. Blessings to you today.

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