This morning, I thought “I want to write!” But I had to ask myself why. It’s not so much that I have something to say. It’s more that I have to find an outlet for these overwhelming emotions that constantly bombard me. I don’t invite them in. They come uninvited and in large groups. It’s like a group of vagrants taking over your home while you scream and tell them to get out or to act nice, but they never do.
I thought a lot yesterday about the things I now know or think that I know. Perhaps understand is a better word. I don’t mean offense to anyone, but asking a god for help just doesn’t cut it for me. How could that help me? I admit I have asked the Great Mystery (I love what the Native American’s call it), the Creator, for help. I have asked for healing, I have asked for direction, and to end my suffering. I have asked for my purpose to be revealed. I have pulled more cards from my Souls Journey desk (James van Praagh – highly recommend it). Want to know what I got last night? Change. I think I said a day or two ago that the messages I am getting are spot on, but boy do they piss me off. You know, if I were helping someone else in my situation out, I would point out that Erin gave me such a great gift. That there was some reason that I needed this fork in the road, and that great change was upon me. She had served her life’s purpose, and she was now moving on so that I can serve mine. Change…no one likes change but through change we grow.
So that is the teacher in me, using what I know and what I Know (head and heart) to be of assistance. But listening to myself, I think “Boy, that’s a load of BS. What an asshole. I don’t care.”
Now if I go back to “Teacher Me,” I know and I Know that any assistance that I will get will be sign posts directing me to what I need to do to save myself. Some of you may have heard the story about “God Will Save Me.” I will only post the ending, and you can click on the link to read the entire story. But don’t you think it about sums it up?
And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”
Back to, I have asked for assistance but none of it calms my aching soul. However, I am sure that I have been receiving what I have asked for, aside from putting things back exactly how they were before Erin died. It’s just that the answers don’t help me feel better, and the knowledge that I am gaining doesn’t make me feel like anything is any more “OK” than it was. In fact, I cried all weekend. I cried in the car, in the bathroom both at home and everywhere I went, and I cried in the bed at night. I am still crying today. It’s a hurt that will never go away.
So I am just not sure what it is that will ever help me to get through this. I would say get over, but I will never get over it. I know I’ll get through it. I know I am strong. I know I have something I am supposed to do with my life, and I know it’s important to humanity. But I don’t care. Just don’t give a shit. Hey, if you wanted me to be of service, YOU shouldn’t have taken my baby. Whoever YOU are. You who want me to fulfill my destiny anyway.
Yet I say that, knowing and Knowing that Erin’s soul made the choice to fulfill her own destiny. And that pisses me off too.
Honestly, I could take this through the Formula of Compassion to release it (the emotional charge) and I’m not sure it would help. But let’s try…
1. What is the lesson(s) I wanted to learn regarding Erin’s death?
I admit I am stumped already, but this is a train of thought blog post so what the heck. What was the lesson? Lessons? Here is my feeble attempt…
Unconditional love – Erin taught me unconditional love. I now know what it means to love someone fully. I am not sure that I knew that, consciously, before she died. Now I fully understand.
Compassion – Through her death, I found compassion for others in areas I previously had no feeling, or harsh feelings. I was ashamed of that when I discovered it.
Being balanced and not being the victim – This stands out for some reason in my mind and heart. I feel like a victim, yet I am determined I will not be a victim. Now the real lesson here is control – I did not have control over this situation no matter how hard I wanted to. The only thing I can control is myself and my actions and reactions. So I choose to be balanced, and I choose to not be a victim. I choose to be a co-creator of this reality with Erin and of course with all of the other souls who participated.
2. What is the contract I made with Erin?
Should be pretty straightforward. Erin agreed to be my daughter and to spend approximately 10 years on this planet. I agreed to be her mother.
3. What is the role Erin is playing to act out her part of the contract?
Erin played the role of the love of my life. She was my child, my joy, and she spread joy to everyone she met. She sometimes played the role of wounded soul, and put a lot of fear into her role. But she was sweet, and kind, and compassionate. She was a teacher by example.
4. What is the aspect of myself is Erin reflecting back to me?
She reflected back to me my fear of loss. Loss of control for the most part. The scared child. This situation was beyond our control, as was some of the chaos that flooded our daily lives. It was hard for Erin and it is hard for me. I had to let go of trying to control this, and I am still not in control because control is an illusion. She also reflected back to me my actions and reactions, and thus I have a lot of regret.
5. What is the gift that Erin is giving me by playing her role?
She gave me the gift of self-reflection so that I can grow and be a better person. And she gave me the gift of unconditional love. She taught me about unselfishness.
I will post tomorrow with the remaining steps of the Formula. You can find the complete Formula overview here. If you aren’t into multidimensional sort of material, just take what is valuable and leave the rest. No one said you have to believe in anything you aren’t ready for or don’t want to believe in. 🙂 I find that it’s best not to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
I guess I should take my own advice, but again, overwhelmed with emotion here. Hashing that out via the Formula did help. It has been years since I actually took myself through it. Most of the time I run it in an instant and am done with the issue. This issue isn’t so easy though. At least I have a tool to somewhat channel this emotion, for now. I’m bringing out the big guns though and using anything I find value in. Misery is, well, miserable. Hugs to you my friends.