I have no post title at writing time today. Not sure why that is so significant to me, but it signals to me that I feel the need to write yet have no direction. I can say that I have come to some stark realizations as of late, and it has left me with a disdain for this planet and this life. Everything that I have learned would tell me that I am in fact not done yet, or I would be released from this body. But I want to be done. I have no love for anything anymore.
It is a bitter pill to swallow to have worked so hard to be “good” and “decent” and to grow my character, and to be “rewarded” with this circumstance. I drew some divination cards the other day and the one on the far left, signaling the immediate past, was Freedom. Well that just pissed me off. The middle was Forgiveness, signaling the present. That pisses me off too, because it’s a direct reference to forgiving myself for the myriad of things I regret or feel I could have done differently. The far right, signaling the immediate future, was Surrender. Surrendering to my circumstances of course. Well I refuse. This is a load of shit that I was given and even if I did co-create it on a soul level, I don’t like it and I don’t want it. A large part of me fully expects to be released from the situation, and to receive Erin back into my open arms as a reward for enduring this horribleness. Yet I know that isn’t how “3D Earth” works. I still don’t accept it, though.
For years I have thought that this planet was all wrong. I know many who feel this way, and maybe some of my new readers do too? I have wondered why I would have volunteered to incarnate here. Surely other places would be more hospitable. I wondered why I was put in the family I was, because I sure didn’t have a great childhood. Then I learned about soul contracts, co-creation of our reality, and that some souls come here to be of service to the planet and the people. Well all of that felt like truth to me. I thought, “Wow, I already knew this. Glad I just relearned it.” And the things in the world made some sense to me. But not anymore. If I preplanned this circumstance, I must have known that I would be cutting myself off at the knees right? I think I give myself too much credit. I am strong but I do not want to be this strong. And so, I find myself just giving in and giving up. Giving up isn’t the same as surrendering to one’s destiny.
So we co-create our destiny stories prior to birth and we play them out. Different choices in between do not affect the outcome, but perhaps how we get there. It’s like everyone is going to Boston, but maybe you take different roads to get there. Boston is our destiny, but we experience the journey differently. One road has houses full of people who feed and clothe you along the way. Another has bandits who rob, beat you, and threaten your life. Maybe another is a more middle road. But we all end up in Boston if that was our destiny, regardless of what we thought we might change along the way.
I suspect that in the end I may in fact surrender, but let me tell you that the Universe and Creator will hear my complaint as I do so.
On another note, my mother turned 71 years old today. I don’t mention my mother much. She wasn’t a very good mother, and we had a very co-dependent and chaotic relationship for most of my life. I was an only child, and my father died when I was 4, so I bear all of the burden. A few years ago we had to take her to the doctor about her increasingly erratic behavior and determined she had dementia. I try to be kind to her now, even though I don’t much like the person she was when she was “normal.” So my aunt and I went to visit her at the Windsor House (nursing home) for her birthday and brought some small “Nothing Bundt Cakes.” She seemed to enjoy them and we had what I suppose was a nice visit.
Which leads me full circle, I believe, because just the other day I was in the bank cashing her $30 a month Medicaid allowance. You either cash it or lose it, because they strictly regulate what types of things you can spend on. So I was telling the teller what a pain it is, and how since I’m an only child I not only had to get the Medicaid stuff in order but now I have to write a check to cash and the nursing home every month and get out to take care of that. She said “I have heard. I wonder what people with no children do?” While the nice teller lady had no idea, that wasn’t lost on me. I now have no children, and if I find myself old and unable to care for myself, I will be alone. That is a fact, not a supposition. What else can I do but surrender? I guess I could fight it with some ill-begotten solution or another, but it is my destiny. I don’t like it, but it is what it is (Hey, I don’t like that saying either, but it fits.).
Musing further on my mother, she was forced to surrender to a lifetime of stuffing her emotions when she finally got dementia. She never could take responsibility or face her Self, and had many disastrous solutions to her myriad of problems. Was her eventual destiny dementia? Or is that just a stop along the way? My father, he was forced to surrender to ALS at the young age of 34 (died age 36). I know that his destiny affected my own, because I would have had a very different childhood had he lived. It is interesting to see how we intertwine with others when we look back.
It seems that Surrender is definitely the theme for today. As I roll it around in my mind, I am more accepting of it, but I do not like what it is asking of me. When I surrender to a future without my child, I am willingly going down a road that I do not want to be on. I am on that road now, but unwillingly and I am not moving very far or very fast. I still believe that anything in the universe that we can imagine is possible. I don’t know how it is possible, but I believe that it is. Maybe the surrender is to the knowing of that concept? Don’t know, but I’m not waving the white flag yet.