Oct 14

The Don’t Cares

Well, I have been busy since Friday and unable to post. I tried yesterday but was kept busy by my aunt who is visiting. I come from a family of talkers, and whether she meant to or not she talked my ear off all day and left me little time to grieve. LOL! I guess that is not a bad thing, although I still have moments. I suspect that I will revert to how I was feeling last week once she is gone.

I also discovered via grief counseling that I am still in a state of despair. Who knew? I didn’t. I thought I was “better” since I was crying less, or at least different. Not so. My practices of avoidance and isolation have become more deliberate and thought out, and I also just don’t care. I don’t care about anything. I care enough to help you if you are in trouble, or to do things that are in my nature to do. But I don’t have expectations or hope in regards to anything I can come up with. I’m really not even glad to wake up in the mornings. I have no plans to walk in front of a bus, but if one hits me, I hope it kills me. And don’t feel bad. Should I die under any circumstances, you can be happy for me and say “Thankfully she is not in pain anymore.”

I had a very miserable time at the game day festivities on Saturday. I don’t mean that as ungrateful to my cousin and her family. They were very sweet and caring, and did everything they could to make sure that we had fun. I’m sure Shaun enjoyed it. He grieves differently. For me, I was overwhelmed with a barrage of kids, families, and on the flip side things that I wish Erin had been there for including the Tiger Walk and the game itself. I didn’t know until after I got there how badly I was going to feel. It peaked with an inability to breathe and a feeling of severe depression mid-day. I had already been sad the day before when we got there without Erin. I woke during the night sad and realizing that we had been there almost exactly a year ago to pick up my mother. Erin did crafts (painted some wooden things and she also drew pictures), and played with the cat. I thought of all of that around 3 in the morning. I just wake up fully conscious with images and feelings attached flooding my psyche and heart chakra. So it’s not something that I can control.

The therapist also asked what gives me comfort? I couldn’t come up with anything. I know that wasn’t what I was supposed to say in therapy, but I am pretty much a lost cause I think at this point. I am perfectly fine with not desiring anything further in life. Which would be fine, but I’m not happy. So it’s not like I am in my place of zen. Instead, I have lost everything and I don’t care anymore. I think I’m OK with not caring, but I can see how it might lead to problems later on. Plus, it’s probably not fair to Shaun. I thought before going to therapy that I was done and didn’t need anymore. Maybe I should continue? That’s a rhetorical question for now.

I go back to my thoughts that I can’t fathom that people out there in the world feel like I do and are walking around alive and functioning. I got a life sentence in prison. Death would have been better for me. Kinder, and more palatable. We as people move on with our lives because we are forced to. Those who don’t, well at least they are released from their pain. I don’t begrudge them that now. As a practitioner of emotional clearing, I have looked back upon many “horrible” situations with thanks, and said I am so thankful that this or that happened because it allowed me to grow and be who I am today. Well, I will never be thankful that Erin died. This just doesn’t fit with anything at all that I have ever learned or read about. Will I grow from this? Probably. I was already changed in many ways during the first week in ICU. Now I am no longer who I was in July 2014. So I will grow and become someone else, and maybe I will become what others admire or something, but I will never have the same capacity for happiness. One cog in the wheel of my heart is missing and it will never be complete in this lifetime or this body. So yeah, I guess I am in a state of despair. And I’m OK with it and have no desire to “fix” things. I see no solution available and just don’t care to find one.

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