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Oct 10

Sucks

Getting ready to travel to my relatives home for the big game, but I’m a little sad this morning. I was a lot sad last night. I don’t fault Shaun for going to visit friends, so don’t take this that way, but when I am alone at night I seem to fall apart. Around 10pm I was a shaking, crying mess. I begged the Creator, or the Great Mystery as many Native tribes call the energy of Source, to just take me and end my misery. I then got a message from Spirit, which is really for another topic so I will leave it out. I was still very sad, but able to at least stop crying.

I turned over and I felt the “feather touch” on my arm, and knowing it was Erin I thanked her and smiled. I have been told, and read, many times that spirits will touch you and it will feel like a feather on your skin. Well, it sure did. That was the most profound that I have felt it yet. Thank you Erin. Mommy needed that.

At least I will be distracted on my trip. I still have to work this afternoon, and have work to do via telephone on the 200 mile drive or ride. Not sure I can rely on Shaun to drive, since he doesn’t know the way through the back road towns I take to get there. Before you ask, going Interstate is much slower even though you can drive faster. If anyone wants the back road directions to Starkville after you read this, message me and I will provide you which towns to go through. I don’t know the road names!

It really sucks that everything I do is just filling up my time. I apologize in advance to anyone who I ever make feel like you aren’t “enough” if I am spending time with you. Nothing is enough. I have this hole in my heart, and it has sucked out my joy so everything is just filling time. I just don’t enjoy things anymore. I don’t know if I “can’t,” but I don’t. Perhaps one day I can. Now, right now, I don’t.

I hope tomorrow is a whirlwind of busy for me so that it just passes quickly. I don’t expect to enjoy anything. Maybe I will run into other relatives who will hug me and tell me how sorry they are, and if so maybe I will avoid crying. Maybe I won’t. I have moments of laughter, but I wouldn’t call it full on happiness. I’m not sure what to call it. Maybe I will have some tomorrow.

So this post is called “Sucks.” Because it sucks. And the black hole in my heart chakra is sucking (i.e., draining) me of joy and happiness. And if I had any energy at all to care, I would, but a large part of me just doesn’t. The other part is miserable.

Not sure why I shared my sucky feelings, and hope I didn’t bring you down too much. I am just being honest, which I feel is important on this journey. Maybe someone else out there realizes they aren’t alone in how they feel. No matter what your situation is, you don’t have to compare it with mine. If you feel this way, I’m sorry no matter what the reason. Admit your pain to yourself and feel it, and process it. I wonder if mine will ever stop flowing out. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. This isn’t like any other situation I’ve ever had to deal with.

On that note, I shall end this transmission of misery. Live long and prosper, peace, and namaste.

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