Oct 09

Schisms of Self

LivingMemorialI am really not sure how I am feeling today. I feel that I am on the edge of a cliff of emotion, losing my grip and ready to fall right off into an abyss. I am avoiding Erin’s pictures, and all remembrances of her for the most part. I woke during the night longing for her once again. It was like as I tried to push the memories out, they were rushing into my mind in a flurry, trying to get there before the door closed. Then I dreamed of her for a few minutes, and she had picked out two head bands that she wanted and I bought them for her. In my dream I knew she only had a few days to live to wear them. I don’t know what that means, since I have only just now acknowledged the dream to myself. The price tag on one of them was $7 and something. Maybe it was $7.49? That would be two 7’s in a sense since the square root of 49 is 7, and 7 is a master number. That particular one was an exact replica of one she had, except as decoration it had a small cup on the side of it? I thought in the dream why would she wear a cup! But, Erin liked lots of different things and I never told her anything was ugly. She was very creative.

I am going to visit family this weekend in Starkville, MS and going to the Auburn vs Mississippi State game. It will be a big event, since ESPN is hosting Game Day there and the teams are ranked number 2 and 3 in the order they are mentioned above. “Used to” that would have been fun. However, this morning I woke up panicked about it. Erin never got to go to an Auburn game. She wasn’t that into it, and tickets are expensive, so we were going to wait until she was older (we only went to a few in the last 10 years ourselves – maybe 2!). And this is the first time to go visit family without her, and to stay in my cousin’s home without her. The last time I was there, she slept in the bed with me and it was our “little” cousin’s high school graduation I think. She loved visiting them, and she loved their cat. I’m just not sure how I am going to hold up now with all of that, and I am dreading the trip (Sorry cousins, I’m sure I will manage).

This is nothing new. Shaun and I went to our local Mexican restaurant last night for dinner and I teared up and nearly cried at least 3 times sitting at the table. The last time Erin was there with us, she knocked an entire glass of water over which went across the table and all over me and my seat! LOL I was soaked. But last night they had spider web up for Halloween. We were supposed to do that for her last year again, and didn’t. We promised we would this year. Which led me to think about her last costume, and how damn mad I am that she isn’t getting to pick out one this year. She loved all holidays. We made them fun for her.

All that I can fore see is a never ending barrage of dates and events that will make me even more miserable than I wake up every morning. Aside from holidays, there is her birthday, Shaun’s, and mine which has the double whammy of being the date her service was on. Yes, I knew that when I planned it. I didn’t see any reason to drag out the shitty events of the time a few more days, so that I would then have another date to stress over. My birthday was ruined anyway. Then there is the entire month of July, and let’s lump in August. We spent a good deal of time away from home and in hospitals those months. There is just no way to be happy about that. And then you have school starting, fall break, spring break, etc. What better way to remind yourself that you now have no child? I don’t look over at the school anymore when I pass (it’s on my route out of our neighborhood), but it doesn’t escape me when I pass at 2:30 when she would be getting out.

And yes, it perturbs me that you still have your child. I know that’s not the right way to feel, but at least a small part of me feels that way. It’s not fair. I know you feel the same way, too, but it still is upsetting. And on that note, it upsets me that I can’t feel happy for my friends and their children who I also love, and that I feel even one ounce of jealousy or that I am covetous of what you have. And it upsets me too that I miss Erin’s friends, and their parents. I am the epitome of polarity it seems, something that I have spent the better part of 15 years trying to eradicate from my Ego/personality and bring myself into balance. It isn’t logical, and it doesn’t make sense. But neither does “what happened to me.” I put that in quotes, because being a victim doesn’t agree with my world view on co-creating my reality with Source. But what in the hell else am I supposed to think? The “Great Schism of Nicole” is surely afoot. (History buffs may find that funny. Shoot me – I’m nerdy).

Oh, and the picture at the top, well that arrived in the mail this week. The funeral home must have done that for us. It is very nice to think that she also contributed to enriching Mother Earth and nature, but it made me cry too. I’m so tired of crying, it makes me want to cry. Another irony.

One last thing – sorry my image was crooked. I am too pooped mentally to redo it.


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