Ah! So I didn’t post anything yesterday. I honestly got started, then I forgot. I had some distractions and I guess it kept me from breaking down too much. Here is what I had started, and then got sad and stopped writing.
Some days it is hard for me to really believe that Erin is no longer here. I do not say “she passed away” because I need to face reality, and that reality is that she died. Saying that is surreal to me. How could it have happened? I ask that philosophically because I know it happened, etc. There is still a part of me that doesn’t understand.
Yesterday I wrote my completion letter for my grief therapy “homework.” I did feel better after writing it. It gave me a chance to put down on paper what I am sorry for, and what I just simply wanted to tell her.
Still, it sucks to wake every day with that feeling in your stomach and heart area. You know the feeling – like when you suddenly know something is wrong and you are so worried that you can hardly stand it? Yes, that one. But it doesn’t go away. My heart chakra is so tender and sore, that my physical chest area actually hurts to the touch over my physical heart area. It’s like it is sore from being punched. I bet I have produced enough energy in the past two months through that area of my body to power my house.
I also wonder, how many more days, weeks, or months can I stand to feel so lost? I am metaphorically walking in the desert with nothing in sight. I just go through the motions, like putting one foot in front of the other because that’s what you have to do if you want to be walking. And I walk (metaphorically) because that’s all that I know to do. I’m not sure I even care anymore if I ever get to the other side, but in the moments that I do care, I feel so lost.
I had a reading yesterday with Lisa Gawlas, and a different type of reading today with Betsey Lewis. They are both unique in what they do. Readings aren’t one size fits all and everyone has their niche. I found out from Lisa that I am headed in the right direction, with Erin non-physically guiding me by my side. She shows up in all of my readings with Lisa. I am so glad that she is still close to me but so sad that she’s not physically here. So I struggle with that. I’m happy for a moment, at least. Anyway, I’m headed in the right direction for my life, so that is what I needed to hear. I did not want to be stuck.
I got the same general message from Betsey this morning. And yes Erin had communicated with her. Long story, but I knew that I was supposed to ask Betsey to look at Erin’s astrological information for my reading. I even offered to pay her extra because that was extra work and I didn’t ask until after I had booked it. Anyway, when I am able to step back and look at my situation objectively, I am able to see that her death was unavoidable. It was “fated” so to speak. All of the astrology and numerology shouted that out in a big way. Yes, it shouted it. Erin needed for me to know that I couldn’t have prevented it. I guess you all know I’ve been agonizing over that right? No, it doesn’t make me less sad, but it provides me with some understanding. I understand fate and destiny quite well. It’s hard when it’s yours to have to swallow though. A bitter pill.
On that note, I have believed since I was much younger that my destiny was to help people and to lead. I began down that path in earnest around 15 years ago, but I have not developed it very actively. I piddle here, piddle there. I have gifts if you want to call them that. I don’t use them. I can be lazy, unmotivated, and I’m fearful of failure and being wrong. I guess I’m not so different than many people but fear is usually a personal thing that is unique to everyone experiencing it.
Well Betsey gently called me out on that and said that I am supposed to get up and use these things in 2015. Erin’s death has shaped me in ways that I can’t begin to describe, and no I’m not happy about it but I do see how it will help me to have had this experience in the future. I would rather have learned this another way, trust me. An involved dream would have been fine, one that was so real I could learn from it maybe. It seems that I need to make lemonade from these lemons, an irony since Erin loved fresh (real) lemonade which takes a boat load of lemons to make.
I guess today, I feel very bittersweet. I have exciting new things ahead of me if I take action to make them happen. I am starting over – scary but exciting and it would be to anyone. I am loathe to leave the past behind because that’s where Erin is, or was. I know she is in my heart, though, and I will take her with me wherever I go. What greater gift, and greater love, could I possibly ask for? Her soul sacrificed a lifetime of love and togetherness to help propel me forward. And whatever else she accomplished during her short time here, I can only imagine.