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Sep 27

Clouds in My Coffee

Having a moment of clarity this morning, I read Lisa Gawlas’ most recent blog article and I got it quite strongly and clearly. The article, linked here, talks about sitting on the fence and basically how the universe (source, god, insert your word here) sometimes comes to points where it will propel you one way or another. This occurs whether or not you have made a decision, because as Neil Peart so aptly wrote “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” Anyway, Lisa is discussing the lunar energies that are active right now. I forget why they are important, but I can see my own saga playing out in what she is writing about.

I got interrupted and have lost some of my clarity, but let’s see if I can pick this back up. From every spiritual writer that I read, it appears that we are in yet another period of change where we can choose the “old world” or the “new world.” This is the macrocosm, because you can see this theme play out every day in your life with the choices that you make can’t you? You either choose to do things “the way you always have done them,” regardless of whether the outcome is desirable or successful, or you choose to do things a new, different way. The truth is that you can’t have things both ways. You can’t be a full-time CEO of a company while still being a stay at home parent (OK, not in most cases). Does that make sense? You choose your path, one way or another. You may choose a hybrid but you still make a choice to either keep going as you are, or to change. And you do this every day. WE do it every day, perhaps multiple times a day.

Without delving into the depths of my own mind and soul, and hashing out my current bigger picture clarity on the “Why” of Erin’s death, I can say with certainty that I am in between the Old World and the New World right now. And not by choice! I was put here with her passing. My current state of grief has me clinging to the Old, because the Old was my old life, the old me, the Me with her still here. I am not saying that Erin died so that I would be propelled into the New. What I am saying is that now I find myself Here, and I must choose which way to go. You would think that it would be easy to choose moving forward, assuming that means that you would feel better right? It’s not so easy because it means letting go. Letting go of sadness, of anger and other emotions; letting go of my old life and letting go of my former persona of Erin’s Mommy. How can I still wear those old hats when I no longer have a job function to perform under them? Well I don’t have a graceful answer for that. But I can foresee letting go of other facets of the Old Me also. When she died it destroyed me, literally shattering who and what I was from the inside out.

I am afraid to move forward and let go of the Old. I am afraid that means letting go of Her. I know that I will never forget or stop loving her, but what does moving into the New mean? Can someone guarantee me that I will not lose her forever? These are irrational fears, but they are real. In a way, her death has taught me that the only thing worth keeping out of my shattered self is Love. Nothing else matters – not money, not school, not all of the crap we had to drive to and make sure we attended, not the house, not the petty arguments about daily crap that we got into as a family and as individuals…nothing matters but Love. And I capitalize Love because I am talking about Unconditional Love. I love Erin unconditionally, and I guess that is what I will take with me into the New.

I guess I did find that clarity this morning after all. I still miss Erin so deeply that I am sad a lot, but I am getting used to it in a strange way. Blessings to everyone this morning, and good luck on your own journey into the New, if that is where you decide to go.

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