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Sep 24

Boldly Going

Mommy_Erin_STI’m cautiously optimistic this morning. Yes, I still woke up with a clinched up heart chakra and somewhat of a rolling in my stomach, but I am sort of OK. Now that sounds pretty pitiful doesn’t it! The fact that I am pleased with being “sort of OK.” Well that is what it has come to and so here I am.

I did realize just a few minutes ago that each day, I really do need to cry some in the mornings. It is an energy release. Right now it’s just below the surface, begging to come out. Good thing I work from home, because I can’t cry on cue and I would certainly hate to have to do this at work every morning. Have I mentioned yet that I haven’t worn a stitch of makeup since around August 1? I even had to go to a business meeting sans-makeup a few weeks ago. The reason is the crying. I look a lot better without it than I would with black streaks running down my face.

Yesterday, I read a lot about life after death. I’m sure you all have your opinions, but this is my story and I’m telling you what I’m doing and what works for me. I had already read a few books talking about life after death…you know, I don’t like that description but I guess it technically is the death of the physical body. Anyway, whatever I read yesterday clicked with me in a way that the other stuff hadn’t. It filled in a gap maybe. I read several pieces from Wes Annac, much of which was channeled as well as pieces by some other metaphysical teachers. What it gave me was understanding, and it gave me hope.

I get glimmers of hope but there isn’t much hope most days for me. I think I read this week sometime that people who are grieving lose faith and hope. For me, I lost faith, at least briefly, in everything. I know I joke about Belief Systems being BS, and while that’s partially true, it’s very disconcerting to question yours 100%. Usually when you adapt to new knowledge and ideas, you are changing pieces. When Erin died, mine was shattered to bits. I can tell you that I have not re-adopted everything I thought I knew before. I have picked up some and tried to find a new place for their pieces, but not entirely. For the week or two that I was truly empty, it was a dark and scary place.

I have to be careful clinging to hope, though. I am wise enough to know that clinging to anything too tightly can cloud your vision. But when I catch the glimmer, I run after it as fast as I can and at least check it out. In this case I think it paid off, because while I had a definite opinion on what happens after our bodies die, honestly I had not read up on it because there was no need to. Now I feel that I have a more enlightened understanding, and I’ve been forced to think about things differently.

In the end, my hopes are few and simple. I hope for a connection with Erin’s soul, and not in the future but NOW. I want to continue our relationship. So I am motivated to find a way to pierce this veil of separation as they call it between life on earth and the beyond. I hope to see her again some day. I accept that when that happens, she may not look like my 10 year old daughter but I will know her soul. Souls always recognize each other, and I will love her just as much as I do in the body that she had here.

Before I go this morning, I want to share a dream that I had last night. I (finally!) dreamed of Erin. I will include all of the details for anyone who likes to analyze dreams.

Erin, Shaun and I were in some gift oriented store. I became conscious of the dream while I was looking at this small brown teddy bear. I wanted the bear, and so I picked it up. It had this voice box thing like you would put into a build a bear that was supposed to say something related to Star Trek, but it didn’t work. It was the last one they had left, so I held it awhile and decided. In the meantime, Erin – who was in her pajamas – picked out her own stuffed animal and put it on the counter for Shaun to buy. I decided to just get the one I wanted and I laid mine next to hers.

Shaun and I sat down and he began talking about various karate places in Huntsville. He said, “do you know that (I don’t remember the name) goes to Joel’s?” I don’t think that’s a real one, but in the dream I got this picture in my mind of this building that was Joel’s karate, and I said “No, I didn’t. Don’t you think that’s odd?” And he said yeah he did. Then I asked him, “What in the world are we going to tell Alexander’s? They came to Erin’s funeral!” If it isn’t clear, what I meant was that she was back, and living, and what are we going to tell people? We were smiling and we didn’t care, but it was a valid question!

I looked at her standing there and I was so happy to see her. It wasn’t lost on me that she didn’t speak, and I suspect that played into the broken voice box on the bear I bought. But as I’ve mentioned before, the dead don’t speak to me YET in my encounters of them during dream time. I hope Erin breaks that cycle because I want to hear her voice. At any rate, I promptly woke up, realized what I was dreaming, wanted to go back and jump back in, but was so worked up I couldn’t go back to sleep well the rest of the night.

Now about Star Trek…I may have mentioned that I am a huge Star Trek fan. I wanted to share that with Erin, and we began with TOS on Netflix but never finished it. We did, however, stop by the Star Trek museum in Riverside, IA, just a day before she was admitted to the hospital for the last time. That has made the trip and the subject bittersweet for me. But I am sure that was no coincidence in my dream.

I have not downloaded the pictures from my phone yet from that visit, but I did scan a flyer I picked up from the musuem. We missed the annual convention by just a few weeks. I wish I had the chance to tell Erin about Martok and Gowron. What Star Trek fan doesn’t love them? Enjoy the flyer below. And PS – what a lovely synchronicity. I did not even open this flyer, and realized AFTER I had titled this post Boldly Going, that it was printed on the flyer. If I didn’t have a smile earlier I do now 🙂

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