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Sep 20

Saturday (Lack of) Thoughts

I am not quite sure what to share today. I still feel awful, like life isn’t worth living, and like my life is over. It’s funny…I never wanted kids, and then when I got pregnant I fell in love. And I’m still in love with her even though she is not here. I never wanted to be a soccer mom, but I loved my life with my child. Now I have constant reminders, and everyone I know with children are living their lives and their kids are enjoying theirs. I don’t know that my mind or spirit will ever make sense of that.

I have so many knowings in my heart, but none of them seem to matter. I understand a whole lot of crap, but it still doesn’t make it any easier or make me feel better. So WTH? That’s what I woke up thinking this morning. WTF. WTH. WHAT and WHY. Those should be questions but they are statements, very strong statements. Honestly someone could prove to me that she died to save the world and I would still say I don’t care. So what? She was my baby. I am a mommy without my baby.

I still don’t’ know how to move on from this and even though I am not boo-hooing at this present moment, if you could see the look on my face you would know how I feel inside. I can stop and observe myself, and I do frequently. My shoulders are curved in, my eyes do not open all the way, and I have no smile. I am downtrodden. I have nothing to be joyful about other than the fact that there are kind people in the world who have reached out to me, and I have a wonderful husband. But we got screwed, he and I did.

I’m headed upstairs to watch Supernatural now, and will write again later when I have something more interesting to say. We are half-way through season 2. It’s a good show if you like that sort of thing. I like the idea of fighting against evil, so maybe that can become my new hobby šŸ™‚

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