First I want to say that today, I feel stable. It is not because of some inner breakthrough, though. It is because on the advice of Beth Terrence at The Heart of Awakening that I added the Bach remedy Sweet Chestnut to the Bach Star of Bethlehem that I was already taking. In short, the SoB is for grief, and the Chestnut is for uncontrollable crying (among other things). I still feel sad, I still have an urge to cry, but the tears aren’t rolling down without warning and I don’t have such a terrible heavy feeling. That feeling seems to go away a short while after I take both remedies. If you aren’t familiar with Bach remedies, go read about them. You can get them at any local health store and also online. I get mine online from PureFormulas and locally there are several places that carry them (in the Huntsville area).
So not great, but different. Maybe stable isn’t the right word? I don’t want to give the wrong impression here. I could falter any second, really. I still miss Erin every moment, and I still have a lot of emotions not the least of which is sadness. But I am not boo-hooing right now.
But what I really wanted to say, is that this is the single shittiest thing I have ever had to experience IN MY LIFE. Perhaps in several lifetimes, or maybe all of them. I am sure I have said that, and if I haven’t verbalized it there is no way that it wasn’t clear before now. I keep coming back around, though, to WHY ME? And I think that maybe, since now I can think without crying huge tears, that I have narrowed down my frustration and anger. And hurt. Let’s not forget the hurt. My conversations with myself include:
- Brain: I know, my soul and Erin’s soul (and Shaun’s) decided before we incarnated that this was the plan. Heart: I would have changed my mind. Didn’t anyone foresee how painful this would be and that I would not be able to recover? Someone should have asked.
- Heart: I have spent the last 15-20 years working on personal growth. I have worked on integrity, compassion, kindness. I am not perfect but I spend my time being service to others. How could this have happened? Brain: I don’t know. I am stumped on this one other than it was meant to be and it was in our soul contract. Heart: Screw you. This was a huge mistake. Someone should have foreseen that I would not recover from this.
- Brain: I am so tired of crying and being sad. Heart: I can’t help it! I am mortally wounded. I will never recover. Never.
- Brain: Wasn’t there something we missed? What else could we have done? Heart: It doesn’t matter. She is gone. This is too painful to keep flashing back over and over. Please stop, but don’t let me forget her.
- Brain: You know that you felt that her higher self knew. She used to cry about turning 10, and her little body didn’t give up any of its secrets. Heart: I know, but I don’t care. I want my baby. This is cruel and unfair, and I know that but I will never accept or be OK with it. Even if it is true.
- Brain: I know we can’t interfere with Erin’s free will, but why did she want or need to leave us? Heart: I don’t know, but it is killing me.
- Brain: This doesn’t make sense. Heart: It doesn’t make sense. I am done with this journey. It feels hopeless. What more could the universe ask of me? It has taken everything. There is nothing left for me now.
I suppose that this is somewhat similar to a person being put under duress, such as being told that the sky is black but they can see clearly that it is blue, and they are being beaten down until they believe it is black. Everything that I Know both big and little k, that I understood, is now in question. And I am beating myself down. I don’t know the point of that, either, because none of it matters. It doesn’t bring her back, and it doesn’t help me to feel better. In case you wonder, it’s involuntary. I cannot control my brain’s dialogue, my heart’s feelings, or the flashbacks. If you are ever in this position, you will understand that in a way you may not now.
Perhaps it will just help me on my spiritual journey, or maybe it helps humanity as a whole. This journey has definitely changed me. I was changed the first week we were in ICU. I changed even more after she died. I might not have changed if she had not been sick, or lived. I don’t suppose to understand why my cog is important to the entire wheel, or if it even is important. I just hope that in time I gain understanding and some answers. And I hope that at that time I am not so pissed that I can actually see them for what they are, and that I don’t reject them out of anger.
I miss you Erin, and I love you so much that it hurts. And I’m sorry I am so sad.