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Sep 18

Just UGH

I had planned to share some stories about things people have told me happened after Erin’s death this morning, but I did not wake up with a smile on my face so I’m going to table it for now. I woke up panicked again. I knew she was dead and not missing, but the feeling is a distinct feeling of panic. I don’t know what my body and mind thinks I can do about it, but it’s an awful feeling. Maybe it’s like I realize, like it’s new, that she’s never coming home. I don’t know but it’s an awful feeling.

I get very depressed at bedtime. I noticed that in a huge way last night. I spent probably 2 hours laying there, wondering how in the hell this happened, why it happened to us, how I could have done something different to prevent it, and so on. I wondered how damn stupid was I to know her lungs had “stuff” in them and take the doctor’s word that it was normal after a thoracentisis? I should have pushed harder. I had forgotten she went into septic shock. Maybe that was the nail in the coffin. I don’t know. I wish I could stop thinking these things but I can’t. The therapist says it is normal. It’s the mind’s way of desensitizing you. I guess your mind thinks that after so long, so many flashbacks, the trigger for pain won’t be so great. You will be used to it. I think I’m going to politely disagree.

Honestly, as time goes on this appears to get worse. My agony is definitely worse. I miss her so much that it is killing me. I have been told that I am living moment to moment. Look for a good “moment” not a good hour, or day. I get it, but how can anyone live their life that way? “Hey I had a good moment today. But the other part was pure agony. Win!” I don’t think that is how I want to live my life. Life is hard enough without having to live it in agony.

And I don’t have a solution. I am completely lost. Lost and miserable. I’m not even sure I want a solution, because the only thing that can “help” me is to have Erin back with me in the physical. I don’t see myself happy in the future, I have already noted my ideas on suicide, I’m not willing to martyr myself for some cause, and I am unmotivated. So really, if anyone has any pull with a remote monastery or something, put in a good word for me. Because all that I can think of is to run off and hide.

I guess I will end this one with a promise to post the stories in a bit. I am having a good moment, right now, this minute. I know it won’t last, but maybe I can keep it going just a little while. Wish me some peace today, please!

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