Well today is a new day, and it could go either way at this point. I had a relatively good night last night and I did notice but I was unsure why. At some point during my decent evening, a friend sent me an article that happened to be about Alexander the Great and Hephaestion. They were inseparable from childhood, and lovers. Their bond was so deep that even in the short article I read I could feel their love. Deep, caring love is how my friend described it (I am not talking about anything sexual). And I realized that as I was reading that, I was thinking of my relationship with Erin, and that I did recognize the deep, caring love. And I felt that love for a little while last night instead of sadness.
Sometimes spirits will send you messages of smell to let you know that they are with you. At some point before bed, I smelled macaroni and cheese very strongly and I knew it was Erin. That was one of her favorite foods, if not her absolute favorite. Being able to elevate my vibration past the sadness for that short while had enabled me to connect with her. I also was able not to cry at this gift, and smiled instead. I will take whatever connection and whatever peace that I can get you know?
I am crying now, but I woke up again with the panic feeling in my heart area. My brain knows she is gone but my heart still mourns. I did see/hear her for a split second during the night. I don’t remember what was going on, but she was concerned about Puppy. I heard her little voice, the one where she was worried – intonations and all – say Puppy, and I knew. I told her Puppy was OK and then I promptly woke up. I guess I mention this because during the night it’s a good feeling to hear and see her. But after I become very consciously awake in the mornings, I begin falling apart. I actually have silly thoughts like maybe I was so distraught that it wasn’t my child who died in the hospital, maybe she is still there? No, she was cremated and I’m sure they did the right person…all of these things crop up and my brain processes them. And I think things like “another morning without Erin” and other things, and I miss her. And so my heart chakra area contracts, and I feel it physically as sadness, stress, and panic.
I am bummed this morning, but not nearly as much as I have been since last week. I will take that as a blessing. But I did spend a great deal of yesterday expressing my anger at the fact that “she left me” and “why won’t someone help me.” I guess if I could just jump right out of feelings of being the victim I would be Vulcan and not Human. Someone pointed that out to me yesterday in non-Star Trek terms, and she was correct. I have to go through this stage before I can hold myself to “my standards.” This is something I have never experienced before, and it’s the worst of the worst. I cannot expect very much grace nor perfection in the process.
And ah, I just realized that quantifying what I am feeling into a process apparently doesn’t sit well with me. Well that is new, and I have to look into it (i.e., into my feelings). I think, too, I’m tired. I am so tired. Erin was sick for 9 months before she died. The gestation period is not lost on me, but I can’t go there yet either. As much as I would like to find the higher perspective in this, apparently I am not ready yet. I want to be ready, and rid of these awful feelings, but I am not.
Speaking of awful feelings, yesterday two friends shared with me their stories of depression – deep depression – and how for years they have felt that way. They described almost to the letter how I am feeling. One has used tools similar to the ones I have used and still gets no relief. Before this experience I might have thought that my friend was doing something wrong, not doing enough, or was just having a pity party. I don’t know that I ever thought about it but those are things I think I might have thought. Now, I think “how have you gotten up each day and functioned? You seem so normal to me on the outside. How awful for you.” Well, I think a lot more than that, because I am finding it hard to believe I can live in this state much longer.
Some people use medication, but that isn’t for me. I almost tried it but decided that medication doesn’t fit on my path. I feel that if I go there, I may never go back. I also believe I would no longer be “me.” But that is just me. And I think I have to admit to myself that I feel I am doomed to suffer. I don’t want to be, but all signs point in that direction.
Right now I am feeling better than yesterday. That can change at a moment’s notice. Grief seems to be like waves, and they overtake me like a hapless boat on the sea.