I have no title today. Usually I write the title first. It just pops into my head and there it is, and then I write and usually it fits somewhat at least. Today there is nothing. I have been saying I feel empty and perhaps this “nothing” in my mind has caught up to the nothing everywhere else in my body. I feel paralyzed, immobilized, fearful, and like a victim. It took me over a month to get to this point.
I am supposed to be trying to do something joyful for an hour each day, in honor of Erin but for myself. I haven’t really been able to do that yet, because I can find no joy. Anything that was joyful, anything that can be joyful, brings up memories that I can’t deal with. I think that’s important to note – I am now practicing avoidance with HER. I can barely look at her pictures, into her bedroom door, or at anything that she did. That’s why I haven’t been celebrating her life the past few days. I long to see videos, hear her voice, see her smile, but I can’t. I put my hand on the back of her chair at the table last night before I locked up, and I could feel her energy. It just made me cry. It makes me cry now typing about it.
I know many of you have experienced loss. Unfortunately many of you have experienced the loss of a child. I understand how you feel, but you know, not really. Because we are all unique, and I’m sure you don’t feel exactly like I do. Not exactly, but probably close.
Last night I thought to myself, I held my 10 year old daughter’s hand while she died. While she died, because I had to tell them to turn the machines off. I watched her fingers turn blue, and what life was left drain out of her body. She died within a few minutes. I know it was the right decision. And you know what? That doesn’t help.
I want to hold and kiss her so badly, I feel like a crazed lover who has been scorned or something. I woke this morning thinking of her little shirts. I could see her shoulder width and the arms and know how big she was. I thought that she was so tiny in the waist, she was still wearing kids size 8 panties. They have princesses and My Little Pony on all of them. Her favorite thing to wear was t-shirts, and if she wasn’t wearing that most of her clothes at least had sequins or cats on them. She loved her cat shirts, but she loved them all.
I know she is OK, wherever she is. This is MY loss. I am afraid I am not fixable. I don’t understand how people continue in the world like this. I am still looking for meaning, but right now I don’t understand what I have done to deserve this. I am mad that there may be a higher perspective, and that if so I co-created this life even with Shaun and Erin. Didn’t my soul understand how painful it would be? Did our souls foresee all of this suffering? Why didn’t we change our minds? Why was this my destiny? Why was it hers? What is the meaning and the big picture?
All of those things I do not know right now and may never know. Maybe when I’m better I can help other grievers. I want to learn from this, but it’s hard. Most of me would rather just go find a hole and crawl in it.