Sep 15

Ups N Downs

I must say I have more downs than ups lately. And I have noticed a few things that don’t make me feel much better about anything.

First, I have noticed that when I look into Erin’s room, I now Know (big K) that no one lives in there anymore. Even the items on her walls are no longer “living” to me. I don’t know if that makes sense, but that’s how it feels when I see them.

Second, the pain feels fresher, but her voice and her shape are now distant memories. I don’t like that at all. I feel so far away from her now.

I know that everyone is moving on with their lives. Even those who loved Erin very much are moving on, and I’m sure they think of her less and less. Less than I do anyway. I can’t go five minutes without that heavy feeling in my heart. Even if there is no name put with it, it’s a very dark and heavy feeling. It doesn’t feel good, and it feels worse than “bad” too.

I can’t win for losing either. Shaun and I decided yesterday that we needed to get out and get some fresh air. We went grocery shopping at Earth Fare, and we were hungry too. So we stopped at Chipotle. We ate there once as a family sometime this year, and my picky little eater hated it. But after we sat down, I realized that when Shaun and I had time to go out it was always family time. So even though this place should have been a “safe zone” with no memories, her absence was memory enough. It’s hard to enjoy your food when you are fighting back tears.

Every aisle at Earth Fare is a challenge. She hated being dragged out there but was always with me when I went. Everything I saw was something I would have bought not for me, but for her. Oh, and I can’t even look at the ice cream aisle. I actually turn my head when any ice cream is involved.

My therapist put my structured therapy on hold because I have so much emotion I need to process otherwise. I realized that I feel alone. I know I’m not alone, but there are things going on inside of me that I can’t possibly explain to anyone, and so I DO go through it alone. Writing here helps me because I am able to hash out my insides on paper so to speak. So thank you all for listening.

When I heard back from my former mentor, Jelaila Starr, she said she would be surprised if I wasn’t angry. I did look at that. I guess I am angry, and here’s why:

  • My daughter died. She was taken from me.
  • I had no control over it. No one asked me. No one gave me a chance to change things, or bargain. I would never have willingly let her go.
  • It’s not fair. Even if I did have a soul agreement for this to happen, don’t I also have the right to change my mind? Shouldn’t Erin’s soul have had to ask me again? No one asked me.
  • I am in misery. This isn’t something you recover from. This is something that changes you but that leaves a very ugly, deep scar. Is that really what I chose at a soul level? Is that what the All That Is wants for me? Why would this happen to ANYONE? This is a shitty destiny or fate. I forget the word usage at this time.
  • I have lived a good, decent life. Many have not. Why would this happen to me? I don’t understand. I am devastated, and I did as much as I could, from the heart, in service to others. I tried to be kind, decent, and compassionate and I taught her to be as well.
  • This seems like punishment. It is cruel. I didn’t deserve this.
  • I know Erin is OK. I am not OK. NOT OK. Did anyone, dis-incarnate or not, involved in this decision consider ME?
  • I did understand what was happening when Erin was still conscious. I did not get to hear her voice and tell her I loved her, in a way I would have liked, because I thought I would talk with her again. I am upset over that. I lost her before she was even dead. I didn’t understand. How could I have missed what was happening?

You can see from my language that I am playing the victim here. And guess what? I can’t help it. I can take responsibility as far as my belief in soul agreements and that her soul is master of her own destiny, but that is as far as I can go. Shouldn’t someone ask us incarnated Earth humans how we feel? I know the answer to that. If we knew we couldn’t control the journey we would never take it. Or if we knew beforehand what it holds for us. Why would we? Who wants this type of pain? Well my belief that the soul never dies is little comfort now. I am a mommy who wants her 10 year old daughter back. Trust me…I’ve been over everything in my head because of my belief that nothing is impossible. Necromancy, cloning, parallel universes, my own death, etc. The answers for all fall in between violating her free will, it wouldn’t be “her,” and I have no assurance upon my own death that she will still be the “10 year old Erin” that I so desperately want to see and live with again. And before you tell me how crazy I sound, you lose your kid and then tell me how you feel. Seriously.

I really am not sure what I would not bargain to get her back again. I might bargain the whole universe away if it was mine to bargain. It really is cruelty to take away the child that you carried, and nursed for 11 months, and never got to see grow up. I am still looking for the key to this door.

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