The past few days have been utterly terrible for me. It is difficult to start a day when you already feel bad. Emotions do affect how your physical body feels. Think about it…when you are upset, you get a sick stomach or a headache or something. In metaphysics they call it the Emotional Body, and it works in tandem with your Physical Body. They are just layers occupying the same space, and they do interact but they have their own function. Depending on what you are reading, you will also see a Mental Body and possibly some others. I don’t want to get down in the weeds on this – who really knows right? We are talking about things we do not have methods to measure yet.
And I’m just going to throw this in here…solar flares and CME’s. Yes, they affect your physical and emotional bodies. Sometimes when there are a lot of protons, etc. bombarding us people get irritable. For me and a few others I know, it made us feel worse with our sadness. I think those others didn’t have a grief issue, just depression, but they noticed it too. It’s like the difference between an upset stomach and food poisoning. It was very difficult to bear.
Today seems somewhat different. I did wake up in mid-conversation with Erin. I think I was probably seeing her in a dream I did not remember, and I think I was telling her that even though she isn’t here where I can see her that I still love her. Or something. Then the day began. That means, my first thought is “Erin” and my second thought is “Erin is never coming back.” Even though typing that made me actually cry, I think I can also say with a smart ass tone “What a great way to try to start my day, assholes.” I don’t know who the assholes are, but it seems appropriate to add that.
I know that I have felt Erin’s presence. I talk “to” her regularly, and sometimes I get what I am pretty sure is actual communication via some sense or thought in my mind. I want to take a minute to say that I am clairvoyant, clairsentient, whatever the “smell” ability is, and empathic, but when it comes to getting my own answers I fail miserably. I second guess the living crap out of myself and I could have gold in my hand and still ask “Is this real gold?” You get the point. But I have communicated with her, some. I will leave it at that.
One of the things she has told me briefly is that she wants me to teach others. I know what she means, and she doesn’t mean to go out and teach school. I have had a tumultuous life and it would go to waste if I didn’t use what I have learned. If I could paint you a picture of life lessons learned from pain and agony, I would have a masterpiece. Some people have one main event, but I have had many. When I look back over what has “happened” in my life, wow. I really should be on drugs, or a serial killer, or in an asylum, or something. Instead in the late 90’s I stumbled upon training on Emotional Clearing, and I jumped in with both feet. I was already dysfunctional, and well, feeling all of that old pain again and not being so mature made me even more so. I worked on integrity, ethics, all of the character related things. Yet I still could not figure out how to bring balance and have a healthy relationship with Shaun or anyone else close to me. It’s that whole forest for the trees thing. I am pretty stable and healthy emotionally, but I’m not perfect and apparently I am not “done.”
After a lifetime of crap, I just wanted some peace. I had it all to be honest. I had a wonderful daughter, a husband who after 17 years I still love with all of my heart, a new house (finally the size I wanted and in a beautiful neighborhood with wonderful neighbors!), great jobs…I never saw this one coming.
I guess if I can separate my grief and devastation from myself for a minute and look at this as I would if I were counseling someone to clear their painful emotional triggers, I would tell them that this is quite possibly the greatest gift of their lifetime. How is it a gift you say? And how is that consolation? It’s no consolation. It is awful. But you need to find a way to find the lemonade in your basket of lemons. That won’t take away the grief, but it may help you to live with it and not let it all be in vain.
That is what I’m working towards. And I don’t want Erin’s death to be in vain. Whatever the universe has in store for me, if I let her death be in vain then it was all for nothing. And ugh, I may have to repeat something this awful to learn the lesson in this life or another. If you don’t believe in reincarnation just know that I do.
Unfortunately, I am now qualified to understand what someone is going through in their grief and pain. I’m also qualified to understand growing up in a dysfunctional, borderline dangerous, chaotic home. I’m qualified to understand losing your material possessions and rebuilding from that. Those are the big ones. I’ve had a lot of life changes and so I can understand where you’ve been. I can teach you methods to overcome the adversity, the anger and all of those lower emotions, and to find a place of balance and peace. I understand I have compassion due to that understanding. That’s what Erin meant.
I see that value in that, but I’m not quite ready yet to consider it. However, I do put it into practice daily when I see someone in need. Maybe that’s all she meant.
We are all parts of the whole. I feel like I am transmuting grief for the entire planet right now. I know that I’m not the only griever, but if you could feel how my heart chakra reacts to this entire mess you might be surprised. If I could harness the energy, I could power the entire McMullen Cove and maybe the surrounding areas too. It’s huge, and it’s also wearing me out.
I emailed my old mentor yesterday to ask her about grief. I think I mentioned that. She replied and said that she had a hard time believing I wasn’t angry. So I have to really mull that one over. She said that Acceptance is the final outcome of the grief process. Anyway, she had written her latest article on grief and it’s called Each Loss Holds a Blessing. It’s funny because I read it already, but it didn’t resonate until now. Some of the things that she said, are things that I am also feeling. Anyway, it’s a good article on the higher perspective.
As for the higher perspective, that’s all that I have got to focus on. Otherwise none of this will ever make sense. It will be senseless, cruel, and just another part of this shitty world. But knowing we are all parts of the whole, we have to also know that each part affects the other parts, and so I have a place in this event somewhere other than just “grieving mom.” If it was her time to go, there was a reason. I want to make sure that I honor that with my life.
I have definitely digressed a lot here, but I think I emptied the thoughts out of my head. For now anyway.