Sep 12

Will it EVER End?

I had a break down yesterday afternoon. It lasted all evening. I managed to have a good night’s sleep, but I woke up this morning, tired, and immediately felt depressed. I had a lunch appointment with my grief counselor, and the entire drive there I felt exactly like I did two weeks ago on my first appointment. I felt despair, was crying, and had a good case of the shakes. I feel this grief in my very cells. In my soul. Whatever – in my physical body it feels deep within, almost integrated within me now and not sitting on top crushing me.

She told me that I am actively grieving, and that I am actively engaged. It’s a good thing. We talked for an hour, and she gave me good feedback. She said it would hurt, it does hurt. I need to expect that. I am not even out of the initial period of grieving yet apparently. We talked about my view of Spirit after the body dies. In case you haven’t caught on, I believe it lives on, reincarnates, and who knows what else. So I know it’s not “nothing” after you die. But HEY – WE ARE IN PHYSICAL BODIES. MY DAUGHTER WILL NEVER BE IN THIS REALM, AS ERIN, AGAIN. So no amount of comfort is found in anything spiritual for me. I’m not trying to be rude to anyone who has offered me heartfelt comfort in the form of words, but I need to express that. I did this morning in therapy. I am expressing it here.

Of all days, I have to leave in 45 minutes from my work at home office and go to a client site. I hope my red eyes are not upsetting to the two people I have to meet with. I cannot rein it in today.

I am also back to having an upset stomach when I eat. I guess that’s good for the weight loss, but probably not good for my body. I’m also back to the realization that I care very little about what happens to this body. I am not going to go catch some live virus, or step in front of a train, but I don’t care. I have experienced the ultimate loss. I have faced the worst possible thing that can happen in a person’s life. In my life. I would say “to me” but I know it’s not all about me. It’s first and foremost about Erin. And it’s about Shaun, and our families, and Erin’s friends. Still, my grief is all about me. Completely about me. No one else knows, feels this way, or understands how I feel. Really not even Shaun. He feels his own way.

Yesterday I went into the front yard and this beautiful black and purple butterfly greeted me, then flew away. I pulled in from the therapist today, and the same butterfly flew across the yard just in time to graze my car windshield, and then flew away. I knew it was Erin’s spirit. And I thanked her. I know her spirit would like for me to feel better. But apparently there is more to do here, more to learn, or maybe I could feel better faster. If there is a gift in all of this, I am not sure I will ever get far enough to receive it. Today, so far, is a terrible day.

By the way, I have not yet been able to work on the “Erin” site to get it up and running to move this to there yet. It is too painful. I can’t go there right now.

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