This morning, so far, I am teetering on the brink of sadness and being OK. I think I am mostly OK. For now.
I have just realized that I am being “gutted by fire” at the moment. Erin’s death left me empty enough already, and I had previously described myself as a house that had been gutted down to the rafters. I added that I had to make sure that I rebuilt myself in a constructive manner.
However, yesterday I began to really “get” the whole fire metaphor. I told my therapist that I felt like a burn victim, because my feelings are “you can come close but do not touch.” I am very raw. My “skin” is healing but I am raw, damaged, and I cannot bear something so intimate as physical contact or even close emotional contact. Now my higher consciousness has been trying to get this across to me for a few days.
As I continue, I also want you to keep something in mind…these insights I am getting, they help me somewhat and in the long run they will get me to where I am going, but they do not heal or fix my grief.
For two weeks at least I have been tracking the Bardarbunga volcano in Iceland, and a few others around the world. Well that is total fire energy there, and it’s “coming to the surface” and “getting ready to blow.” I have had readings, and all of the “seers” have characterized the recent full moon as total fire energy too. You don’t usually see that in the moon, but that’s what everyone has been saying. And then you have our life-giving sun, who just sent us a couple of strong flares over the past few days. One was an X class flare, and it promises to hit our lovely blue planet within a day or two. The sun’s energy affects all life on Earth and also the plate tectonics (you will see it if you track quakes). They have finally said that it affects weather on our planet too. (I knew that already, and so did the scientists, but they just recently said it.). I guess you could say that we are all “in a firestorm.” Fire is cleansing, and if you let it, it will consume your baggage. I can tell you that I am begging for that for myself. I want a clean start, I want to be made new so that I can go forth into LIFE and do whatever it is that I am supposed to do for the rest of my life.
I am also not lost on the metaphor of the “40 years wandering in the desert.” I was just reading an article the other day that noted how this metaphor, sometimes taken literally, is meant to show us how the first 40 years of our lives are spent figuring things out. We are growing up, making mistakes, before we finally get mature enough to find our home or our true purpose. OK, well I just turned 43 but I think approximately 40 years is a reasonable idea. And I turned 43 the day of Erin’s service. I have also had a horrible 7 years, which is another power number and found in many stories and such. As a side note, I actually wrote earlier in the year how I was so glad that this 7 year cycle was over, because I thought it meant better things.
I know, you have to be careful what you wish for. One of the things that metaphysical sources will tell you is to ask for specifically what you want. But then on the other hand, many teachings tell us that we can’t control the journey. Then you learn to just ask for the outcome to be in the highest good for all – for everyone involved. That way you are asking for the “best possible outcome.” But what does that mean? It doesn’t’ always mean what we think it does.
Was Erin’s death the best possible outcome? Apparently I am to believe that, and I suspect it’s actually true. I have no idea what continued living would hold for her, or what her individual soul plan is. I also have no idea what the rest of this life holds for me. I do not know what that point in time meant to the integrity of this creation. So I can get on board that it was meant to be.
I’m not happy about it. I did selfishly ask for her to stay. It was selfish for those of you who disagree, selfish because it was my desire. It was my need. And I freely admit it as such, and I don’t apologize for it. In the end I did tell her that if she had to die I understood but that I would never agree to it if asked. I would never willingly let her go, but I would if I was forced to. That was the best unselfish compromise that I could muster, and it still is.
The last thing that comes to mind this morning, is that it is not lost on me either about the fires and how I am living in hell. I don’t personally believe in hell, but as a metaphor I have long thought that Earth was probably the same as hell. It certainly is for me now anyway. But I guess I can use these “fires” to my advantage or I can just wallow in them forever.
My human consciousness does not know how to find the doorway out of this whole thing. I hope my “higher” consciousness does. I am frantically looking for the doorway and the key to it.