Sep 10

The Hamster

hamperOr should I say, the Hampster. Erin always called her clothes hamper the hampster. As I was putting my own socks down the chute last night, I had to walk past her room and I thought of that. She had cute, silly nicknames for so many things. We had many funny stories about those to tell, some of which weren’t purposeful. For example, when she was little she would sing “Baa baa black sheep, have you any wolves?” Once when she was 2 or 3, I said “Honey, it’s wool not wolves.” To which she yelled at me “NO IT IS NOT!” and started crying. When I would tell her that story, she didn’t remember it and would laugh and smile!

When she would read books, she usually couldn’t pronounce the more complex names and would just make it up how she wanted it to sound. The one that comes to mind is the American Girl story about the two girls from New Orleans, and even when I would pronounce Marie-Grace’s name for her, she would just call her Murray or something similar. And she would say “I like that better.” LOL I wish I could tell you how many times I had to remind her that when she was reading she had to read it how the author wrote it. But she would just paraphrase, even when reading out loud. It drove me nuts, but I knew she understood it because she could paraphrase it, right there on the fly.

It seems that yesterday was a day for memories. The little ones, the ones that pop up when you just open a cabinet or pass something. There were few things in Erin’s room and life that she didn’t assign attachment and meaning to. That was why, when Shaun would ask her to donate some items to make room for more, that it was so hard for she and I to pick things to give. Sometimes it was clear there was no attachment, but most of the time there was some significance. I can look around her room now and remember that attachment. I plan to write it all down with pictures, in a scrapbook of sorts. I don’t want time to make me forget.

You know I have met with a Medium. I also have several friends with clairvoyant ability, and have been seeing another Seer for healing purposes. In every reading, etc. Erin shows up. And the message has been the same – she is there with you, and she wants you to know that. And while sometimes I can sense her, it is little consolation. I miss her so much in this physical world, that it makes me cry big tears. Even if this was the greatest spiritual lesson ever experienced on Earth, how does a parent get through this? I suppose there is an answer, but I cannot yet see the doorway to get to it.

You see, it’s not the memories that I hate. The memories make me smile, if only for a second. The sadness comes because I wanted to make more memories. More WITH Erin, not without her.

Now I want to share some memories that I hold dear. The first is a “grocery list” that Erin made I think in the spring of 2013. I believe that Anna Kate didn’t move until February 2013 and this was written after she was missing her. Also, disregard the blueberry muffins written in ink at the bottom. My mother, who had dementia, thought it was a real grocery list 🙂













Next, here are pictures from Erin’s first belt test at Alexander’s. It was for the yellow belt, and these were kindly sent to me by Elena Barbre, who had two sons in Erin’s class.

Erin_yellowbelttest_08201She would have been a second degree blue belt now, but she never progressed past orange belt due to having to start and stop. But when she would start, she would successfully earn her stripe. She was bummed about about the whole thing when we would discuss it. She was actually pretty good at karate.









Last, here are items that A New Leash On Life posted today on their FaceBook page (for sale). We donated a good bit of what was in the left side of this picture. It made me sad to donate, happy to see it, but there is no way that i can celebrate Halloween without my baby. I kept a few special things and donated the rest. I hope they make another family happy.










As I finished up this post, I cried my eyes out. Funny how I am fine one minute then another minute I am in tears. I am so sad, and I miss her. And knowing that this situation is permanent, it is killing me. That sums it up completely.


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