I woke up around 4am to a dream, and a headache. I think the headache was sinus related, but the dream, gave me heartache. There was more to it than I remember, but I became consciously aware in the dream when I was riding in the back of a black SUV, being chauffeured by someone who I do not remember. I told the person to stop at this particular house. My mom’s 2nd husband’s oldest son, Jay, was in the yard with a dog. I think it might have been a doberman, and my mom’s 2nd husband had them before they married so I guess my psyche remembered. Suddenly I started thinking, well it has been awhile, I guess Puppy has died. I really did not know how long it had been (been since what?!), but I didn’t say anything until suddenly I see Puppy in the yard. I was so happy! And I said come here Puppy, and he jumped into the back seat with me. Jay said something, and I said well you know you were only supposed to keep him while we searched for Erin. He was about to argue with me, as I petted Puppy, and I woke up.
For a split second I thought she was still here, and that we were looking for her. Then I knew, and I was really overcome with grief. At 4 in the morning. With a headache. As you can see I have started my day splendidly.
Well there is more symbolism in there that I need to ponder. When my mother did divorce that husband, we left behind a pet cockatiel that Jay ended up with. I never understood or realized why we left the bird, as he was my pet, or why we didn’t ask for him back. It was like a bit of amnesia. And when I “woke up” enough to ask, too many years had gone by. I guess my point is that my mind must be making sense of this time of transition. But boy, it hurt. It wasn’t very helpful at all.
I went to bed sad too. Yesterday wasn’t a good day. Memories didn’t help, they just plain hurt. I have flashbacks too, mostly of the time we got to ICU just before she was put into the medical coma, some of the time in between, and the moments of her death. I wish those would lessen. Those are very painful too and they just come up at inopportune times.
The picture above was sent to me by one of my oldest friends on the day of or day after Erin passed. She said she really felt that image and had a strong urge to send it. After I posted about the butterflies, she told me that before she read that post, she had the urge to send it again but didn’t. Then when she read the post she did re-send. Another friend said yesterday she saw Erin running in a sundress in the water with butterflies all around. So I sent it to her. I guess Erin really wants us to have this image of her in our minds. She showed herself to me a few times “hovering” over some water, playing. I’m glad she is happy.
I have to follow that up with “I wish I was.” I say that in response to a comment on another friend’s post yesterday by someone I don’t know. This other friend lost her son in a tragic accident. I have only come to know her recently but it’s clear that she’s at least as sad as I am, and I understand completely. But her commenter, said something like “oh don’t be sorrowful be happy and tell people he is happy and with the angels when they ask.” Uh, really lady? Don’t be sorrowful? Be happy? Let’s kill off your kid and then you practice what you preach. I know – that was really ugly. But there are some comments I can’t respond gracefully to and that is one of them. I wish I didn’t know my friend’s pain, but I do, and this commenter lady hasn’t got a clue.
It’s pretty obvious that most people don’t know what to say at transition periods in others’ lives (i.e., tragedy, terrible periods). I really don’t know either, but I can at least just say “I’m sorry” and leave it at that. Truthfully, I am sorry that someone else has to go through pain. Perhaps we use the word sorry too interchangeably, because what I mean is, “It hurts me that you have to experience pain.” But I think most of us “get it” when someone says “I’m sorry.”
Anyway, I am having a rough time. But you wouldn’t believe what writing does for me. Sometimes as I write these, I just cry huge tears. They roll down my face and I have to stop and wipe them off. Sometimes I can’t see the screen. Today, for some reason, instead of crying I am seeing perspective. But I asked myself when will this end? And the answer is NEVER. That is the crappy thing about it. Never. I will never experience a normal life. I cannot go back to “before Erin” nor can I go back to “life with Erin.” I am forever changed. I don’t know my place in this world anymore. I can still be an effective leader, because I know all of the right things to do and say. But will I be hollow and devoid of purpose? You can see my conundrum. I will leave it at that today because I am truly lost and don’t know what other words to say to myself in order to move forward. Wish me luck.