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Sep 04

And, Back…

Boy did I wake up feeling sad today. The ugly feeling is back in my heart and pit of my stomach. I managed to sleep longer, not waking up thinking about how she is gone. But once I got fully awake the feeling hit me. And I am just so, so sad.

I know, or have been told, there is no cure for grief. I understand and believe that. I actually expect to feel differently in a little while, if today is like the other days. It’s just that when you feel that deep sadness, it is so very deep and empty that it is almost too much to bear.

This morning again, I think of all that she missed out on. Space Camp came to mind. Of course, she missed out on the Nature’s Classroom last year because she was in the hospital, but they got her a T-shirt anyway. Erin showed Krista K. that she had missed out on a LOT in the past year, and that she was missing out on some stuff now. I guess maybe her soul had some regrets on that? I didn’t ask – should have. Maybe it was just an acknowledgement of the things I have been thinking about. Shaun said to focus on what she DID get to do, but I guess I am also missing what WE didn’t get to do or share.

She’s missing 5th grade. She wanted to be an assistant in Mrs. Stokes classroom this year. She always went when she had after school or free time back to help her out in her classroom. I know she was hoping to get picked to help, and I bet she would have.

She’s missing art. We had to cancel her last art class at the museum due to her being in the hospital again (May). And she didn’t feel well enough in the hospital to draw anything but Buffy. The support staff did bring her some artsy things do to and she did a few of them before she felt too crummy, but it wasn’t drawing or painting.

She missed a lot of karate, and once again missed her belt test in August. That was the 3rd missed belt test. She was bummed about that and so was I, because she worked so hard and was pretty good at it.

She is going to miss the season premiere of Gravity Falls! I have to think that she continually reminds me of this, because I think about it nearly daily. She loved Mabel, and especially the Mabel short’s they put on as commercials. Her favorite was Mabel’s Guide to Art, but she liked all of them really. She really loved her cartoons, and I miss seeing them. Yeah, I know, I could watch them alone but I would just think of her. SpongeBob is a great example – I watched that before I was even pregnant, and she loved it so, I don’t think I can watch it now. But maybe I will start with Gravity Falls, since it seems that she wants me to remember that one.

I was asked in therapy yesterday to write out the story of her illness. I didn’t tell the therapist that I had already started, and had to stop when it got too painful. But since I have to complete that now, I will get the other site, which I am calling Erin’s Story, up soon and move the Erin talk over there. And most of the grief talk too.

On another note, I’m pleased to hear that some of you are enjoying my journey. I have always learned through interaction with others, and that is a primary reason why I have always written. I figure maybe one sentence will help someone else, and so then it’s worth the effort. Plus, working things out on paper always helps me.

Love to you all today.

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