Sep 03

Moving Into the New

Erin_ButterfliesI suppose that I am moving into the new energy of this month, the upcoming full moon of 9/9, and of Me. This morning my grief therapist told me that I was taking all of the right steps to move forward and she commended me for that. I forget her exact words, but I guess I was a little surprised that I was “doing it right” because I have no idea what I am doing except for surviving! I also had a session with Lisa Gawlas, who told me that she saw me with my heart and soul energy leading the way, and also saw me on nice, fresh, soft green grass barefoot after the full moon (i.e., landing softly and safely). My mind says to that, Well I better after all of this crap! So you see, I am also getting my sense of humor back somewhat.

Yesterday evening I traveled to Nashville to see Krista Kaine. First, let me say that if you even think you believe in mediums, you need to make an appointment with her. She is the real deal. She is a medium and psychic, and those do not go hand in hand. She does actually connect with the deceased, and I know this because I basically spent an hour with Erin yesterday. Had I not been convinced, near the end of our session she said she had a message to give me, and she said she had to get up and give it to me like Erin was asking. And she got up, and she gave a very good impression of Erin’s voice modulation and more importantly, her arms and hands waving as she said “Mommy, Angels are real and they are EVERYWHERE! They’re everywhere!” She had no way to know how Erin would become animated, and many of you may not have known because she had to be very comfortable with you to do so (she was otherwise very shy). If Angie S. or Melissa H. are reading this, they will know. Their daughters know. And I know.

I didn’t ask any questions, although I wished I had on the drive home. But she literally talked with stuff from Erin for an hour and at the time I really didn’t have any questions. I had not prepared any, because I just wanted the connection with her and that was all. I asked her to connect, and to make sure I was certain it was her. And she did, and it was. It was very comforting just to know the conduit is open.

ButterflyNecklaceShe asked Krista to give me her necklace, which was a butterfly. Krista asked me if she liked butterflies because she kept showing them to her, over and over. She even asked me to make sure to plant things that attracted them. At the time, all that I could come up with were a few butterfly pictures she painted, two hanging from her ceiling (which she referenced by their glitter), and that she indeed liked butterflies. But afterwards it dawned on me that Erin had “made” her name above her closet door just this past spring with some butterfly stickers she had asked for at Christmas. Also, I recovered her vanity seat with a pretty butterfly fabric. She has them everywhere in her room actually!

Anyway, I learned this morning that some of my struggle during the time that Erin was sick, stemmed from my childhood and growing up with a parent who drank often and heavily. Well, I knew where my “control” issues came from, but not that other children of alcoholics struggle with the same things. The point is, what the mind and ego thinks it can do, it spends a lot of energy on. And that results in stress, and confrontation, and lots of other things. Well I am pretty sure that I blew it all out during Erin’s illness and death (it feels like my “baggage” was incinerated!), but I honestly do not want to revisit this shit again during my lifetime or any other lifetime. Forget that! So I added extra sessions to work through some of that. Who knows…I am stubborn and like to do things myself but I am willing to let someone help me this time.

Lisa Gawlas wants me to learn to meditate. Well that is the second time someone has told me that in the past week, so I guess it is a hint. But not the traditional meditation – she calls it co-creative meditation. Sounded like something I can do, so I’ll give it a try. I added the link above in case anyone else is interested. She’s a neat person, and so sweet. I am really blessed that I was guided to such sweet, gentle people to help me through this.

On that note, I am really blessed to have such sweet, gentle friends and family too. I have thought of so many of you that I want to thank personally. Unfortunately it’s usually in the car, or in the bed, and it never makes it to my fingers to type or write. But I can tell you that if you have written me even one word, called me, texted, or sent me mail or food, I appreciate it very much and I love you for it. I can speak for Shaun and say he does too because I’ve heard him say it.

You may notice a tone change in my “voice” here and yes, I feel it too. Yesterday on the way to Nashville, I caught myself singing and listening to the radio. I haven’t done either of those since Erin died. We sort of shared music. I would play all of the stuff I loved from my childhood, etc. and she loved some of them too. Have you seen Guardians of the Galaxy? Star Lord said that his mother made him a tape of songs she loved from her childhood, and he loved them too. Had a cassette tape deck rigged into his damn starship LOL. That touched me because that’s what I did with Erin. And so it’s been painful to listen, and I wondered if I could ever enjoy music again. I did yesterday, and I’m so glad that I was able to. I have actually heard a few songs that she would have loved for me to play at her service. She loved Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” for instance. I had forgotten, because it had been awhile since she listened to it. She also loved “Love Shack” by the B-52’s. I heard “Roam” yesterday and realized I had never played that one for her. Too bad. I think she would have liked it.

Erin is aware that I am celebrating her here, and she liked the idea. For us energy workers, September is a huge transition month into October, which is all “new” energy. Thank you for continuing to help me through my transition and let’s keep our focus on moving forward as much as we can.

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