Aug 30

Musings Today

I am not sure why but as the day progresses, I notice I get deeply depressed. Maybe it is because in the course of a day, near the end of it is when a family sits down together. For dinner, to watch television, or play games, or whatever. My body, mind, and spirit knows at that time of day that someone dear is missing. I started out yesterday evening feeling better, after my massage and reiki. Lori Pence with The Healing Arts Center did relieve me of some of the chaos in my body and spirit, and so I felt well enough to go to dinner with Shaun. Not far into dinner, I got depressed. The last time Erin and I were at Bridge Street, she asked to eat at PF Changs and I told her, Daddy will get his feelings hurt if we eat here without him. I knew he was home waiting on us to eat. I wish, now, that she and I had eaten there together.

There are going to be a ton of missed opportunities that I remember and I know this, but it doesn’t make them any easier. I have started going into her room at night, and touching her place on the bed and telling her goodnight. I tell her how much I love and miss her, then I cry and go to bed. I assume this is normal, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about her absence.

The reiki lady told me that my throat chakra was blocked and to talk and journal, so here I am. I had contemplated stopping to be honest. She also told me that my heart was broken. I guess I knew that, but I hadn’t put it in those specific terms yet.

I wasn’t too sad to get out of bed this morning, but I was still sad. I AM still sad. In fact, I cry as I write this.

I’m really not sure why I am writing this any longer, but maybe it will help someone to understand what someone they know who is grieving a child is going through. Maybe it will make someone else grieving a child know they are not alone. Maybe it just helps some random person with compassion and understanding. Maybe it helps me.

Oh, perhaps I left out something important. Yesterday Shaun picked Erin up from the funeral home. I have a hard time saying “her remains.” But that is what it is. They gave me a small lock of hair as I asked for, and her remains. When I saw them, I hugged them and cried. I’m really not sure why, but I did. That’s all I have left, and her memories. I can tell you that no amount of religious or spiritual beliefs can help you through the physical separation from your loved one. Nothing in my extensive background in emotional clearing, and some other studies I have done, can help. It hasn’t helped. My brain understands the logic, but there is no logic in this. The heart does not understand.

I did get a password, finally, to the legacy website that came with her service package. That means that I can set her up a memorial site that is supposed to be there “forever” and I will do that soon. The benefit is the format, which is good for displaying pictures and such. I may mirror some of that here, and will probably just set up a sub-domain for myself here anyway specific to Erin. I will post that if/when I get around to it.

I’m back to being rather unmotivated as I work this through. The only thing that I can say with certainty is that this is horrific, agonizing, and I know it will never be over but I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t stand this. I want a solution and there is none. Thanks for listening to me this morning 🙂

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