This morning I woke to look at FaceBook, and found that a friend and former co-worker’s son had died last night. He wasn’t a “little kid” but her son nonetheless, and I am very sorry for her. She came to Erin’s service and I immediately panicked, because I am not sure I can come to her son’s. I am very raw. Like a piece of meat still on a living bone is the best way I can describe it. Many things, seemingly unrelated, upset me.
Then I read a FB friend’s post about her friend, who had lost his son to cancer last night. I clicked on his profile to see a young boy close to Erin’s age. Now that broke my heart and it brought tears again this morning. There is no reason why we should have to suffer these things. The children who are gone, they are ok. Their spirits are not suffering and are following their plans – I won’t tell you what that is because I believe it is unique to each soul, and you may have your own beliefs you include. But WE are suffering. My personal belief is that we can communicate with other realms such as the space spirits go after they pass on, etc. And even if I add on to this, that one day I will release this body and go back to my spirit self, I will still never see Erin again in the physical world. And who is to say that I will see her in the non-physical? I have no idea. It makes me sad. And I am sad for the other parents who will no longer get to hug their children or see them smile.
On that note, and since I have a terrible sinus headache this morning, I will try to switch gears and tell you that I found and saw a grief counselor yesterday. For anyone who needs one, Alissa Lapidus with Empower Behavioral Health is a specialist in grief counseling. In fact, she was the only one I could find with a certification in some grief therapy that I can no longer remember the name of, and she just happened to have an opening yesterday afternoon. After about 30 minutes or so of crying, and telling her my tale of woe, she did a guided meditation with me. She told me that my body needed oxygen to it after being so stressed and constricted, and that it would also help me feel better. It did, but I have to tell you that near the end of it she touched me on the foot for a few minutes. I never asked her about it, and she didn’t mention it, but I think she did some type of energy work on me at that time because I did feel better Inexplicably better actually. Whatever it was I will take it, because I came home to an empty house (Shaun was watching football), and I was in bed asleep by 8:30. I had a few moments where I was sad and crying during the evening but not too many. I was lonely I admit, but I was so sleepy. And so I slept almost all night.
I also have an appointment with someone she recommended, later today, for a massage and energy work. I hope she can help me to balance some of this energy and grief. I know my chakras are probably very ugly looking (if I could see them). They feel ugly anyway. My heart chakra feels black and charred. I tend to have blockages in my crown chakra, and so the energy settles in my 3rd eye area manifesting as sinus issues. I woke up with liquid in my head this morning, which makes me feel like I am sea sick. And my root chakra, it’s probably just not working because survival isn’t a top priority right now. But my solar plexus, while out of sorts, seems to kick in here and there. I suspect that is my Leo tendencies jump starting that. Anyway, I feel physically crappy and emotionally a tad bit better. I will take any sort of progress that I can get.
And on that note, I am going to see a medium on Tuesday evening. A friend in Nashville just happened to mention it and it felt like I should so I am. While I believe in mediums, and I believe this one to be authentic, I have no expectations. But what I have asked for is some understanding, and some little piece of Erin to speak with me so that I feel better. I hope I get that. On Wednesday at lunch, I have an appointment by phone with Lisa Gawlas. I don’t know what she is supposed to do, but I got a clear message twice to contact her so I did.
I also have a mentor and old friend, June Stephenson, doing work on me from long distance (she is in CA). She is an excellent healer and I am glad to have her helping.
I am doing what I have to do to dig myself out of this. I don’t expect to ever “not grieve” over Erin, but I cannot live my life this way. This is too much to bear. Everyone is different. Shaun is grieving differently than I am. Some people will find solace in their church. Some will start an organization and help others, which I may do at some point. But I realized yesterday, that while I see no end in sight, the same intensity every day for 2 weeks (not to mention the time she was in ICU), was killing me. So I am throwing the kitchen sink at it. Something has to give.
And I will admit, that I contemplated suicide for a very, very short minute. It would be the easy way out, which I never take. Also, I don’t like pain and can’t inflict it on myself. And finally, this is done. Erin is gone, and I can’t bargain for her to be back here. So I can’t waste the rest of this life on an act such as that. That is MY path and I don’t want to denigrate anyone who has ended their lives. I don’t know if it’s easier that I know the reason for my depression, and some people with depression don’t I assume…the point is I don’t know what another person is going through but if they are that miserable then I believe it is their choice. I do hope that they consider those they leave behind. Anyway, I believe that my life has been one of learning and personal growth, and since I believe in past lives I believe that I have been making amends and changing patterns and such during this lifetime in order to not have to repeat it. To throw it away, would be a slap in the face for Erin. I have to go back to my strong belief that we agreed to this lifetime together, and that whether her sacrifice was being born or having to leave so early, it can’t be in vain. By the way, my beliefs evolve with knowledge and understanding. Every day I ask for more clarity.
And now I am crying again, and will end this post with the promise to post more of Erin’s life a little later today.