As I suspected, I became very depressed last night again. It was involuntary. I was sitting there and it came over me like a wave. I really was not able to get out from in under it before I went to bed, and it is coming back now. When I wake in the morning, I have to remember that my baby is not there to greet me. I always tried to wake her up gently and lovingly, even if 10 minutes later I had to get her out of bed more harshly (for school). The last few weeks of school last year, I would play her a cute cat video and she would get awake and in a good mood to get out of bed.
I called Erin my booger, sweet pea or the sweetest of peas, and my little lady bug. She would call me Mommy, Murmy, and Meowmy. There were a lot of things that were meows. She loved kitties.
Erin loved her Daddy. She was such a huge Daddy’s girl that sometimes it was just irritating! To a Mommy anyway. He could do no wrong. Well that’s ok – it was their special relationship. I was the disciplinarian mostly, which is a thankless job, but a parent has to be. A regret that I’ve been holding on to is never going to get our nails done. It’s expensive, and when we decided to finally do it, I didn’t know where to go. Then Iowa happened. We thought we were all coming back home. I didn’t know.
I will post some of her artwork today. I found a note she wrote me while I was on a business call in July, written on the back of an index card. Those are like gold to me now. It’s a piece of her somehow, and I will save it forever.
I am teary but not flooded with tears right now, so I guess that is progress? The pit of my stomach feels like someone just punched me though. My heart is heavy. I am very sad.