So far, I have written two posts on grief and pain that I chose not to publish. I may do so one day but it isn’t necessary right now. I realize that those of you reading have chosen to read my posts, but I also know that it’s unfair to spew my emotion all over another person. When I publish a post, it sort of does that in the invisible grid that is the internet. Anyway, perhaps that is some sort of progress.
I am not there yet. I am not anywhere yet. But I can detect a small difference in my outlook this afternoon. I still question why this happened, how it happened, why me…all of that stuff. I am still grieving and hurting, and quite miserable. But I am finally able to step back into my emotional clearing background and ask the universe to show me the value in this situation. There has to be some value. Because if there isn’t, then this really is a hopeless dump of a planet that we live on. So if I cling to one belief, that will be it. Because if terrible things happen for no big picture reason, then we are all just being tortured.
Being open to this is progress and I will take any little bit of that. I do not like the space that I am in emotionally and mentally. I don’t see a way out of it but I don’t like it, and so I at least want to move around within it. Does that make sense? Not so much to me seeing it in print but I felt it like that.
Your kind words and everything you collectively have done has kept me going over the last few weeks. Sometimes it only helps for a split second, but getting through that second is just what I need. I have received kindness from people I don’t even know online (I mean, they are friends of friends or something), and it has been overwhelming in a good way. Before Erin died, I could see the light in their kindness and the kindness coming from those that I do know, and it was/is beautiful. I have been in the darkness since, but your kindness has kept me going.
I may not feel so hot tomorrow morning. I may have to admit that I lost that little ray of hope and start from scratch. I don’t know. Emotions are an odd thing. While it is technically “fictional,” the stuff about emotions that we learn from the Vulcan’s on Star Trek is true. They make us a mess and erratic. But eradicating them isn’t the answer either. Balance is what we need, but most humans haven’t mastered that yet. And that is hard to do when we keep having our lives turned upside down, but maybe that is the point. I say that rhetorically, because I don’t know if there is one.
This event in my life has sort of stripped me bare. I would have to write an entire paper to explain it properly, but I went from being “full” to “empty” in a matter of minutes. I laugh all the time about Belief Systems being BS, but I was mildly surprised when my belief structure was suddenly gone. Everything that I would have told someone who needed help or advice suddenly sounded utterly stupid. And I believed none of it. Then there were a few things I had to admit were probably true. One of those being that everything happens for a reason. I should say, reasons (plural) because I’m sure that our spirits try to get the most bang for their buck. At least I hope they do. With my little ray of hope shining right now, I hope they do.