Every new day brings with it more reminders and more of what are now just memories. Last night I went with Shaun to see Guardians of the Galaxy. I’m not sure if Erin wanted to see it. For some reason, she was wary of superheroes and didn’t watch many of those movies. Maybe she thought it would be scary. We had talked about seeing this one maybe, and she enjoyed Groot in the commercials and of course Rocket.
Just pulling into the parking lot was hard. For Pete’s sake, there are so many “firsts” I will have to do without her that I think everything is going to be painful. She loved movies and we rarely went without her. That meant that we didn’t see a lot of “our” movies but we saw all of the kid ones. Usually a friend would come along too, and they would sit and giggle in the back seat of the van on the way there and back.
So by the time I got into the seat at the movies, having skipped popcorn and then finding a seat for only two, I cried. Big tears. She always sat in between us so that we could protect her. The last movie we saw together, which I think was Malificent (and she saw it 3-4 times), she raised the arm holder in between she and I and laid her head on me for awhile. At the end of the movie, I cried in the bathroom, and then on the way to the car, and part of the way home. I miss her so much. Honestly the previews were tough to watch too. A My Little Pony movie is coming out and we would have seen it together. Probably the Box Trolls too.
The other day I was thinking of how she loved the Flash Gordon theme song from the old 80’s movie, and also Werewolves of London. I saw something on the internet that reminded me of Flash, and immediately I thought of Werewolves too. I tried to introduce her to Godzilla (Blue Oyster Cult), but she wasn’t as amused. She didn’t’ know who Godzilla was, and I had to look him up on the internet. When the previews for the latest Godzilla came out, we looked again at the old one and laughed. That was all we had but today it’s just sad and funny.
To add insult to injury, we got home and upon being asked which snack to eat I picked popcorn. Half way through the bowl I realized that the three of us ate popcorn for a snack nearly every night. I could see her little hands going into the bowl. Yeah, I know I am half-nuts, but these are the things that my grieving heart remembers.
I slept with her Bunny last night hoping that would draw her into my dreams. I lucid dream and honestly have often dreamed of the dead. They come to visit and I know they are deceased and so do they, and we share moments or whatever. But all of my dreams last night were completely devoid of Erin. Almost conspicuously so.