Whew, what a week! I have had a hell of a week, and that’s why I have not written in a few days. This week, I’m having my mother put into a nursing home, and my daughter who is 10 has doctors saying that she has an “abnormal” lymph node in her neck. Between the two of them I have missed more work, been exhausted, and realized that I was full of fear and sadness and grief. I really don’t know which one of those was worse, but I think probably the fear.
On Tuesday I had a session with a lovely lady named Linda Marshall, who did some energy work on me called Running the Bars. Here is a website that will tell you more about it, and I also encourage a Google search. One of the things that I released programming from on that day was my need to have control. I don’t know where it comes from in past/parallel lives, but in this one, it was from being a child and young adult and having what should have been my safe home environment be, well, not safe and constantly invaded and disrupted. That’s another story, so I will leave it that vague and move on. But the result was that what I WAS able to control, I did so fiercely and continued to do. Funny that I still experienced a whole lot of uncontrollable situations. Those ranged from my husband refusing to turn down the television late at night (for no apparent reason – was a set up from my guides!), to anything else that I felt I needed to be safe and peaceful being disrupted and my inability to stop it. There are so many examples, well I could go on forever. And I also have to confess, that although I would tell others not to have a vested interest in how their situation resolved itself (i.e., don’t try to dictate what a “good” outcome is, just let the universe do it for you), well I scripted all of mine over and over in my head while going over a myriad of possibilities. Whatever “it” was at the time, it happened every time.
So finally after my session with Linda, and coming home very peaceful and balanced, I literally had a panic attack in the bed that night over my daughter’s lymph node stuff. I realized that I did NOT HAVE CONTROL. It scared the living shit out of me, and I also had to for the first time say words to myself like cancer and lymphoma. Well that upset me to no end, and here I am at 1am freaking out all by myself in the bed. Kem, my higher self, was there but was nudging me to just let it happen. Feel it. Be part of it. Geez!! Well I did and I’m still here and alive…
Wednesday found me in the Geriatric Psych section of the ER all day with my mother, and I came home that evening beaten down. And I cried, a lot. I cried specifically on the way home from the hospital because I had to let it all out. My husband pointed out that I had become emotionless? I told him, well that’s how I keep it together. I focus on the mission, etc. and I plow forward. But I am not emotionless. I had been awhile since I was honest with myself though, and so as I cried I stated how sad I was, sad for my mother because of her situation and condition. I was sad that Erin has been feeling so poorly, and I was afraid that she was really very sick and that I would lose her and that she might have CANCER. Acknowledging that fear was huge, and I let a shitload of it out and I woke up on Thursday feeling empty. But much clearer, and much better.
Thursday found us at St. Jude’s local clinic, where the doctor told us that the CT scan showed contrast and that “it usually does that with cancer.” There is more to it, too much to really get into because it would take away from my message but needless to say, it didn’t make sense to me. And oddly, as I sat there saying yes to a biopsy on Tuesday, I felt this huge wave of PEACE wash over me. I capitalized it, because it was that sort of peace. Very strong. So strong I noticed it, and I was meant to.
After I got back home I exchanged some thoughts with someone who pointed out that we are being asked to trust. And I was like, wow, I knew that. And I’ve been trusting my gut all along with Erin, but man I am being beaten down. Beaten down by the doctors, beaten down by the illness and chaos and drama, and hell, beaten down by the 3rd dimension. I cried again to Kem last night, and I told him that here on 3D Earth all we get is the beat down. It’s true isn’t it? Who do you know, even spiritual people, who don’t almost daily face chaos, drama, illness, death, sadness, etc. It comes at us from all directions. Some HANDLE it better than others, but I don’t know anyone who doesn’t get the beat down. How much more can we take? What does it take to end this beat down cycle? Well I don’t know, but I’m drowning here and so are many of you!
About the trust thing…I know it but I don’t KNOW it yet, meaning I have not internalized it enough to have no fear. I still feel rather peaceful, but my old pal fear is lingering in the background. I want to be successful with this trust. You can call it faith, trust, or another word, but it’s the same thing. And while you’re beaten down it’s especially hard to hold the frequency and stay in that place of balance. I have no advice for anyone today. In fact, while I rarely have used these words in my life I was told to ask for the help of all of the Hosts of Heaven. I need them to lift me up and carry me through this. Maybe it’s like being afraid of heights and having someone hold your hand as you walk over a bridge. Hey, that analogy works because that is what this is, a bridge to the next “level” or something. This is my test, and the test results are still pending. And I am afraid. I’m very afraid, and I am very beaten down, and I’m tired, but I’m also peaceful and full of kindness and loving, and some sadness.