Well, so much for saying I will write on a regular basis. That just isn’t in the cards for me this year, or last! I wonder if others feel the same way I do, as in I see this year specifically as a wrap up for me in terms of finishing life lessons, sort of like trials and tribulations.
Those of you who know me well are no stranger to my prime emotional root issues having to do with the MOTHER. Wow, what a theme? The goddess, the mother, the parent, the womb…I could go on but you get the point. Those of you who do not know me well, well, what you’re about to hear is not bitterness. I worked on that a long time ago and it’s all but gone. But I would be lying if I said I am not irritated that this all encompassing theme keeps popping up in my lives. Yes, lives. Past, present, parallel – let’s hope I fix it so all chronologically future timelines can be free of this mess!
So I came into this life to an emotionally handicapped mother, an extremely loving father who died when I was 4 (developed ALS when I was 2), and I literally became The Mother by around age 7. I like to capitalize that – The Mother – because it is all-encompassing for this idea of the feminine. We have all expressed it and lived it in different ways, and I am not just talking about the incarnate female gender but males too. Yep, we’ve all been everything, or most of us have.
Back to my story. Recently in a past life regression with Lamont Hamilton (he’s great by the way!), I finally saw myself back in Atlantis. I have slowly recovered memories and I knew I had to know what I was, or rather what I had done, back in that timeline. And I didn’t get it until just a few days ago. I saw myself as “in charge” of what appeared to be hybrid genetic research. There was a facility full of babies of all sorts, and many adults as well. Much like today, my colleagues treated them as objects and did not acknowledge that they had feelings. Due to position, I was able to protect many of them but still had to “carry out my duties” in order to keep that position. I guess it was better than nothing at all? Well, there was a special one who had tremendous affection for me and I for him, not as lovers, but as family. And it was very difficult. I can feel those feelings now.
When I left the regression I admit that I thought, ok so that wasn’t so horrible. I was not so horrible. But I didn’t quite get it.
A few weeks ago my mother moved in with me, probably permanently. I said she was emotionally handicapped…more like fractured. She has always been, and thus has not made good decisions, and that has become a big ball of very ugly wax over the course of 69 years. She is finally “broken,” much like Humpty Dumpty in the sense that I can’t put her back together again. The fact that she is here infuriates me. I have another child. It is a lot of pressure. She looks to me for all of this care, more than my 8 year old daughter. I have no privacy, she always wants something from me – attention, conversation, to do something for me. I do not want to be The Mother. Not to her, not to my own daughter, not to anyone. It is time for me to take a break. I want to be the child for once.
Once I realized this, I saw that this is a holdover from Atlantis, where I was The Mother, literally. I created many of those beings, and I cared for them. I loved them. And in the end I could not do what all mothers are SUPPOSED TO DO – protect my children. This is a huge burden, carried over eons. But talking about it eases some of the pain, and alleviates some of the irritation and frustration.
I am finding myself now with my bio-Mom repeating some of the behaviors that I carried on in Atlantis. I am assuring her everything will be ok (lies? Maybe), managing her, redirecting unwanted behaviors, and smiling when I want to beat her to a pulp. She never took this good of care of me, instead saying “You are old enough” for whatever unsavory behavior I was exposed to. I could say “Well you are 68 years old deal with it.”
But no, I am The Mother, and I am the Protector and the Watcher and the Goddess. And so are you – many of you, male and female alike. Our Mother is on her way back around. I hope she will reassure us that we have done a good job, that she won’t leave us for so long again, and that she loves us. I hope that she will take up the mantle of being THE Mother once again, and that balance will be restored. I am full of hope, and I haven’t given up yet. This is my trial and my tribulation, a test for the ages. Sure hope I pass.