I meant to write several days this week but it wasn’t coming out. In fact I’m still a bit verbally constipated (hehehe), but I feel like I have to speak so here goes.
This past week was the equinox and a continuance of the cosmic energies coming onto our planet and thus into our bodies. It’s more than a metaphysical concept. There were actual cosmic energies streaming onto the planet at a great rate (see SuspiciousObservers YouTube channel for more info and follow SpaceWeather.com). Not only are those energies correlated now, scientifically, with an uptick in volcanic and quake activity, they also are correlated with people “acting crazy.” You saw a lot of crazy these past few weeks didn’t you? It’s still going on, and may get worse. People react in ways that they can mentally and emotionally handle, and as you know some people cannot handle mental and/or emotional stress. Even for those of us seasoned in dealing with our emotions, it’s tough sometimes.
I spent the week before the equinox down in the dumps but I knew that I had to rise above it somehow. I know that the key to my rebirth is not going to be found in the depths of despair, but hell, how do you find hope in a max security prison? LOL I can commiserate with the other prisoners all I want, and even the guards (time, mortality), but that ain’t ending my sentence.
Well, I at least found the key and doorway to get me to a lower super max prison this past week. I was driving to a small business event I had to attend on Thursday morning, listening to a rather interesting video on YouTube, when it hit me. For those of you who don’t know, quick flash back. Around 15 years ago I started on a path of emotional clearing (dealing with emotional issues, resolving them within me) based on the Keys of Compassion by Jelaila Starr. It was a tough period for my close relationships but it changed my life and gave me tools to deal with stuff. So back to my story. Suddenly it dawned on me that I had not yet released, nor found compassion for, well, Me. All of the regret I feel, things done and undone, said and unsaid, I blame myself for and pay a penance for it daily. I may as well be one of those medieval fellows who went around flogging themselves (the flagellants?). The day of the equinox and I finally had a breakthrough. I had been at it hard all week trying to clear as much baggage as I could, and there it was. Ah-ha!
I came home that night and took a nice salt bath, lit a candle, and asked my team to join me. I normally call in AA Michael, Maya (my soul identity), Kem (a future self that assists), St Germain, Kutumi, and anyone else who wants to help including Erin. Once I was sufficiently settled in my bath, I asked my inner child, who calls herself Hyacinth, to come forward and I apologized to her. I told her I was sorry that I keep blaming her, and that I released us from blame. Immediately in my mind’s eye she gave me a big hug. By the way, she looks like me when I was about 3 years old, right down to an outfit I had a picture made in with my mom and dad. So I knew I was on the right track. I then told her that while we had the knowledge to act differently, do things differently, and possibly the wisdom, we did the best we could at the time. And that now it is time to hand things over to our higher mind (Maya) and that we DID successfully learn the lesson. We gained the wisdom we were meant to and we changed. We changed beyond our wildest expectations. And it is painful, but that I don’t blame us anymore. I am still very sad, deeply sad, but I let go of the blame.
For a lifetime I have been working on responsibility of some sort, but much of that overall life-lesson has to do with responsibility in my relationships with others. I had a taste of it when Nicholas, my beloved Siamese Flame Point, died in 1999. Then I had another taste of it when one of my grandmothers died when Erin was about a year old. But I never changed my habits. Arguments, etc. I just swept under the rug, many times not having empathy or context for how I hurt someone else. But the deaths I mentioned above, I regretted not spending more time, not saying and doing. It made me realize that life was short (for us) and that I needed to experience and live. But that’s as far as it got. It was all mental, and the emotional pain faded. I would refuse to allow Nicholas’ memory in because it made me cry even years later, so he was out of sight out of mind. I loved my grandmother but she became a fond memory. I continued to have failed relationship and responsibility issues for years after that, the details of which are too many to discuss here but the fact remains. It was not until I took responsibility for being here, present, embodied and thus responsible for my words and actions recently that I was able to see the blame I was inflicting on a constant basis. If I refuse to blame others, why was I still blaming myself?
Releasing someone from blame doesn’t get them off the hook for responsibility. I am still responsible for whatever I did or didn’t so, say, etc. However, we all deserve more love and not less, and to be released from a sentence of constant blame. When we blame, we do not take responsibility for our part of (insert here) and thus we are not able to move forward. It’s interesting, and a little convoluted, to describe the relationship with blaming one’s self and I’m not sure I can do that in a short blog post, but you get the idea. As the blamer, it was really me who was suffering (doubly since I was also the blamee!). It’s the same as holding a grudge. It hurts you the most.
In other news, I started the couch to 5K again last Wednesday and so far have actually gone outside and ran three days this week. And I’ve lost a pound, something that had eluded me for almost a year now. I may have to go buy some MSM for my joints but I am pleased with that and hope I can fit back into my new clothes that I grew out of soon! LOL Hey, a girl can wish for her clothes to fit well can’t she?
I know this goes without saying, but please – on behalf of grievers and those who have lost children everywhere – don’t think that I have or am “getting over it.” You don’t get over losing your child. Ever. You are welcome to help me celebrate my forward movement on my journey, but please understand that this is not a heal-able wound. I feel obligated to say this, as there are many of us suffering silently. Thank you for understanding, as much as can be understood in this situation.
I love you all. Peace, blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3