May 23

Musings for 5/23/2017

I laid awake a long time last night due to a pounding sinus headache and the subsequent stomach burn that resulted from a BC and two Advil. I was too tired and in pain to have anxiety or stress much, so I just pondered this and that. I was a bit surprised though at what came up, and it came up quite strongly.

There is a lot of talk in the metaphysical community about “letting go.” Let go of this, let go of that. Ditto for the grief community. “You must let your loved ones go” they say. Some even insinuate that you are “holding them back.” Really? Because the last time I checked, I wasn’t powerful enough to hold a physical human back, let alone one in spiritual form. But hey, nonetheless, we seem to be constantly guilted into letting them go.

Back to metaphysics, spirituality, etc…They tell us to let go of all attachments. I admit that for years I had no idea what that meant, truly, and could only aspire to be like a monk or something where you have no possessions and no one in your life. I suppose that would be easier for you to individually ascend, live a pious life, or whatever. Hell, you don’t have anyone that means anything to you (typically) so yeah, you’re on a fast track.

But is that really what Spirit wants for us? Seems to me that is quite selfish. Yes, we need to take time for ourselves, and we don’t need to have undue attachments to things or people. But we were meant to BE LOVE, and we were meant to ascend spiritually as a unified group. Not that the universe won’t take an individual, but it’s our loving attachment to all that is that I find is important. Don’t you?

Now let me verbalize what I told Erin in my mind and heart, and what I truly want to say. I will NEVER let you go. We are heart bonded and I love you, so why would I ever let go? I never will. Just as a mother with a physical child here would allow them to grow up and go out into the world, have friends, be an adult etc. so will I. But I will never let you go. And I want people to stop telling me to let go. I may not have control, but I have love, and never will that bond be severed.

And I want to tell you all to never let go of love. Love doesn’t control, love doesn’t bind, but it does bond and it also nourishes. Perhaps our language, which isn’t really that informative in some respects, gives us the wrong idea. I think so. So instead of focusing on letting go, focus on having it all > having Love. Love heals and makes all things possible. Nope, I’m not letting go. Never, ever.

It took me years of feeling like I never had any “me” time, of one by one, being stripped of most anyone who means something to me in my life. It took me being alone to realize that my strength is in the Love that I have for others, some whom I love dearly with a bond that cannot be broken. I will, and have, relinquished any idea that I have control, but I won’t let go of the love. And one day, that love will reunite us.

Namaste, Peace, and Blessings. <3 #missingerin <3

May 17

Musings for 5/17/2017

Finally I remember what I wanted to write about and share for so long. I think I had to get to a space of better understanding before I could do so. I also had some lovely remote energy work done by Kelly Trombly who owns the Divine Energy Center in NY state. I did read about the type of energy work she is trained in but honestly could not explain it here. Let me just say that it helped with my down in the dumps grief (in a way that is hard to put into words right now), and I am sure it’s helping my physical body, although that’s something I will see results with more slowly. Thank you again, Kelly.

Before it leaves me again, let me continue. You all have heard me speak many times about the Christ Consciousness. Jesus was a Christed being, so was the Buddha. I’m sure there were others. You recognize them not only through their mastery but also through their pure, unconditional love for all that is. It still perplexes me that Jesus’ entire story was about Love, and yet, people still kill and commit violence in his name. That’s a separate story though.

I can honestly say (and have said) that I did not truly understand Love until Erin’s body died. The irony does not escape me. And I capitalize Love because I mean real, actual love from the heart. Not romantic love (which is really just lust), not conditional love (I love you but…), just pure, unadulterated Love. It’s a different feeling and you feel it square in your heart center. That’s about the only way I can put it into words. It’s not just me that is beginning to embody this Christ Consciousness either. People all over the world are having their lives changed and their hearts opened. And I wonder, are they experiencing what I am experiencing?

By the way, by embodiment I mean it’s within you. You live it, breathe it, feel it. Are you perfect? Hell no. But you feel differently – about every thing. Literally everything and everyone. And hey, I don’t know what Jesus really said but even whomever wrote it down gave us the message. The way to god is through me – and he was Christ Consciousness embodied on earth. And by the way – the entire idea of god is Love, no matter what philosophy or religion you are talking about. It’s not separate – it is within you. The verse may have been a good puzzle but I understand it now.

So on with my story…after this happened within me, I began what I assume many religions would call a hellish experience and what I call a life review. When I say hellish, I don’t mean because of the obvious and you will understand once I finish here. Life reviews happen after you die, supposedly but according to age old sources and people who have had NDE’s as well. And I began to wonder, why in the hell am I experiencing this while I am alive? At first it just seemed cruel, but then I realized there must be a purpose.

Many non-religious people believe that the Ascension is near. Religious people believe the Rapture is near. Either way it’s basically the same type of thing, different names and slightly different narratives. But the narrative for either is that you can’t carry your baggage with you to wherever it is that you are going. Christians call it being washed in the blood (the soul cleansing blood of the lamb – one of my old time favorite hymns!). Ascension minded people work to clear emotional baggage and make amends. I guess Catholics (who yes, are also Christians) save it for Purgatory but they have to atone nonetheless. By the way – ATONE > AT ONE. See, there are clues and synchronicities everywhere.

At any rate, I have had almost 3 years of constant torture (hell). If I ever said an unkind thing or committed an unkind action towards you, believe me I have thought of it and paid for it in sorrow. They come up randomly, and it’s part of the PTSD that I experience in living color and sound and everything else. Many of them have come up over and over, and yes, I have horrible sorrow every time as I relive it and see how horribly I acted. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know better then, or was having a bad day, or whatever. I did/said those things. I should be punished. I am being punished.

But I’m also learning. Recently, and this is the reason I began to ponder this, I found myself within these living visions changing the narrative. I was saying what I wished I had said. I was apologizing. I was kind and loving. And I thought…but wait…this isn’t real. I can’t change what I did. Or can I?

I also did not know that I had all of this baggage following me around. I did years of emotional clearing work in the late 90’s and it lifted huge burdens. I guess it lifted so much I had no idea what I was carrying, even as it continued to pile up from my transgressions. I did not feel ill will towards much of anyone, but that didn’t stop me from creating it through unkind words and actions. Now I know. I have learned, and I have seen the value of the lessons. What I have not yet figured out is how to continue to take the responsibility while also forgiving myself. Or as I learned so many years ago, releasing myself from blame.

As you can see I don’t have all of the answers, but I do see that what I have been going through is something special. I wonder if others are doing the same? Those on the path of the Christ Consciousness anyway. The methods may be different but the result would be the same. I would love to hear from you. I would also love to know what you think this means. Clearly it’s a preparation of some sort for what comes next. The next place, or period.

If you are wondering about my health…right now I feel like crap and that’s why I haven’t written in several days. I took a lovely trip for the night to visit with family but I stayed up too late, and apparently caught someone’s bug. You know you are in shitty shape when staying up 2 hours or so past bedtime ruins your next day. LOL I am learning to be gentle with myself physically. Perhaps emotionally will come later.

Oh, and yes, Mother’s Day sucked. I ran from it. Thank you to everyone who took the time to send me a note. It really helps more than I can put to words.

Namaste, and #missingerin

May 10

Musings for 5/10/2017 – An Ode To El Palacio

I thought some of you might get a kick out of the title! But in all seriousness, I find these past few days that I am contemplating the impact that El Palacio has had on my lifetime. Even though I haven’t eaten there much in the past few years, I have been eating there since I was around 3 years old (that’s about 43 years total). And in 2 days it will be closed for good. I have to admit I am grieving it a bit, a bit because I can’t take on any additional grief but still sad nonetheless.

I tried to go eat there today for lunch around 1pm but the line was long and they said that once you went in, it was about an hour before you could get your food. I had planned to eat my historical dish even though I have not eaten beef in over 10 years – taco, beef enchilada, and chile relleno. Double re-fried beans, no rice. Hot “sauce” which is what they call their salsa. It’s the best I’ve ever had, anywhere, hands down. I used to buy it by the gallon back in college and take it back to school with me.

We had lunch there the day before Erin was born. I figured it was the hot sauce that put me into labor a day early, but who knows. I do know that I had my first labor pain during lunch. I thought that was what it was, but kept quiet because I wasn’t sure until a few hours later. I remember it was Shaun, me, my mom and her husband, and I believe Betty M. and Mandy. That was a while ago but I still remember where we sat.

In high school, Dawn and I would go eat there and then go to cheer at our football games. How did we do that? It was a lot of food. Now if I ate that much I would want to go to sleep. LOL

And best of all, there was Pat. I continuously forget Pat’s last name but you all know him. I think someone said he used to work at Dipper Dan’s back in the day, but I have known him as my favorite waiter since around the age of 7 or 8. I suspect he was in high school or his early 20’s then but he was the best. He knew what we ate every time and would have our order in and hot sauce and drinks at our table mere seconds after we sat down. As an adult I’ve had the pleasure of seeing him out at a bar here and there…this is us with him last year at the Furniture Factory.

Funny story about that picture…Pat’s friend said “So you used to work with Pat?” I laughed and explained that no, I’ve known Pat since I was about 8 years old and he was our favorite waiter. I am sure the guy got a good laugh.

They say things go in cycles of 7 and I guess 43 years is a 7 (4+3=7) so that’s mildly interesting. What I do know is that there are, and will be, many endings so that change can come. El Palacio closing may seem trivial, but I have seen enough to know that nothing is trivial in my life. I will grieve it for awhile for sure, and always remember it fondly. It’s like an old friend leaving. When we decided not to stay, I thanked it and told it goodbye before getting in my car.

I had honestly remembered whatever it was I keep wanting to write about but cannot pull it from memory again. I guess today was all about El Palacio, my favorite Mexican food place. Always.

Namaste, and #missingerin <3

May 08

Musings for 5/8/2017

So last night wow, what an awful night. I kept having the same dream stuff over and over. It was as if we – me and a group of people I knew in the dream but don’t remember now – kept trying to get away from someone or some thing. It was very long and drawn out. I remembered most of it each time I would wake up but finally woke up after having an uncomfortable experience. I had shifted bodies to experience what another person was experiencing, and they were wearing a white turtle neck that they had been forced to wear. The neck part was very thick, and constricting, and they felt as if they were suffocating. Let me rephrase – I felt like I was going to suffocate. I could feel the fabric on my neck and I was considering how in the world to get it over my head (didn’t see any scissors). It must have been a punishment – just before I went into his body this man said “Can I please take this off now?” Anyway, when I woke up I could still feel it on my neck. I also have dreams where clothes are constricting on a fairly regular basis. I usually rip or cut them off of me, but not before a moment of panic. This time there didn’t seem to be a way out of it and I was panicked.

I was thinking, OK let’s stay awake a bit and not go back into that dream, and damn if I didn’t suddenly get the feeling of missing Erin so badly I was then in agony. I have no idea how long I was awake, but judging from how tired I am I would say it was an hour or longer. I laid there in agony with a hurting left hip (it does that during the night sometimes) and an aching heart. In my mind and heart I called out for help, and at some point I decided I just couldn’t go on other than to fulfill whatever it is that I’m still here for. I also halfheartedly decided I am tired of the internet, tired of keeping a website and a FB page, and tired of even being connected to people. It’s not you, it’s me. I just can’t see the point and I am physically and emotionally drained.

During all of this I wondered what the point of love is. I have, for a long time, at least tried to do the loving thing and I have gotten nothing except grief in return. Despite it though, I still have a strong feeling of love for all things. I admit I am confused, not so much to dwell on it but I am confused because logically it doesn’t make sense.

I have lost my connection and I guess I need to take some time to find it. It manifested literally with my work email. I can receive messages and read them, but I can’t respond on my Outlook client. A bit earlier I lost all connectivity on anything except my phone (mail). As my 9th grade English teacher would often quote, Alone, alone, on a wide wide sea. Never a saint took pity on my soul in agony. …

For those of you who have been reading, this is a descent into madness. It may not show on the outside but I am barely holding on inside and it seems to be getting worse. I realize that if I would just stuff the emotions or turn them off, I would probably be faring normally. And I do that sometimes, when I have to. Like when we are face to face socially, or when I’m with work colleagues. People aren’t comfortable with a barrage of tears and so I flip that switch to make both of us comfortable. I’m just not that person who is going to stuff these emotions though, for so many reasons. The problem is they are eating me up inside and there is no way out. Truly, I live the religious version of hell every single day. That’s what it feels like. Maybe you do too and you haven’t related it that way. Before, I would have told you to persist. To survive. But what happens to us when we are so tired that we no longer give a damn?

There has been something I wanted to write about for the last week and every time I begin typing it completely leaves my memory. I wonder what it is, if it’s important but just not for public consumption?

Thanks for walking with me during my most current dark night of the soul. You are very loved and appreciated <3 I know that I will survive, so please don’t worry. It’s my luck to do so. I never get the easy way out and I am a team player and care giver at heart. I guess my only words of wisdom for anyone grieving is if I can do it, you can too. And when you say “I don’t want to,” me either, but if we were meant to get the easy way out it would have been us who left and not them.

Namaste, and #missingerin <3 🙁

PS – I did not forget that my brother in law, Greg Canter, was found deceased on May 6, 2014. I just couldn’t bring myself to write about it over the weekend. We miss him too, though not in the same way we miss Erin. He would understand – he loved her dearly too.

 

May 05

Musings for 5/5/2017

So this week I’m having a physical crisis I guess. The root cause, other than whatever went on pre-3 years ago, is 3+ years of intense stress and anxiety. When you are pumping cortisol and adrenaline most of every day, the wear and tear on your body is enormous. I have repeatedly said that I didn’t want to suffer, but I have been suffering just to be out of bed each day. It sort of added insult to injury.

One of the things I know, even if I’m not happy about it, is that I have to fulfill my destiny, if you will, before I can be released from this daily hell that I call my life. And to do that, I have to use this physical vehicle (body). So I sort of need to keep it in good working order. I suppose a bonus would be actually feeling good so that there are no restrictions on activity. Right now, I am pretty well restricted to short bursts of energy but mostly being so tired that I feel drugged and am struggling to be coherent.

For the last 2+ months I have had severely chapped lips, complete with cracked corners. I’ve been exceedingly tired and at times obsessive over odd things. If Shaun is reading this he’s probably scratching his head on the obsessive thing…I try to not to publicize it when I realize I’m being irrational LOL. I’m gaining more weight around my mid-section in the form of fat. And even though I’m tired, sleeping is difficult as is staying asleep.

Before Erin ever became ill, I had what is called adrenal fatigue. Western medicine does not recognize adrenal fatigue, and even most specialists treating adrenal failure fail to look at the wholistic point of view. Our body is an ecosystem of sorts and the different organs and glands and what not work together. It’s important to look at the root cause.

Also, from a holistic perspective, the body will only present so many symptoms at one time. If you had any idea of the amount of stuff going on and going wrong in your body right now, you would understand why the body could be overwhelmed if it allowed something to surface that it wasn’t prepared to fight. Sometimes it just gets beaten down and can no longer suppress whatever it is. Sometimes, it has actually gotten healthier and says “Ok, we can fight this now! Let it out of the cage!”

As we would say in the south, I’m currently eaten up with fungus, or should I say fungi? I’ve even got some strep strains and varicella (chicken pox virus). But my body’s desire for iron and my adrenal support did not go up, so my guess is that I fall into the latter category where I got better and it unleashed some more beasts. Either way it still feels shitty and I’m nearly incapacitated.

I was able to get my May 16th doctor’s appointment with my Naturopath moved up to yesterday morning, and she also started me on a weekly regimen of hydrogen peroxide therapy. It’s called Bio-Oxidative therapy to be exact, but google it and you’ll find it’s fascinating. I was wiped out most of yesterday after having the first dose but feel better today. I’m actually a little tired right now but I think I got emotionally wiped after being on FaceBook. Why I find a need to read the hateful and fearful reactions of others I have no idea. I really should stop because A) I want no part of it and B) it’s not my drama. I do, however, feel strongly that we should be taking care of people instead of abandoning them. After everything that has happened in my life, I will never be accused of being uncaring. I know some people don’t want to do anything if it doesn’t benefit them but hey folks, you too will need help some day. And against my better judgment I would give it to you because it’s the right thing to do, but I will not forget your poor character.

If this world ever needed more love it’s right here and right now. Despite my sorrow, and perhaps because of it, I’ve got enough for me and you and perhaps all of us. So if you feel unloved, know that I love you. Someone cares. I care. There are others who care. You aren’t alone.

Namaste, and #missingerin <3

May 02

Musings for 5/2/2017

Several minutes ago I watched one of the funniest things I’ve seen in awhile. It was this comedian named Peter Kay showcasing misheard lyrics and it was truly funny. I laughed so hard I cried during most of the video. Fast forward a few minutes later to a heart warming clip of a man recovering from a massive stroke. His nurses helped him rehab by dancing to “All About that Bass” with him. I smiled and yes, my heart warmed.

And then the magnitude of my loss came in. It didn’t just creep, it rushed in like it was water filling a void. And now I’m crying, but not from joy. I’ve been crying for several minutes now in fact.

It’s times like this that the Observer in me observes, and wants to document, which is why I’m writing. What exactly happened here? What does it mean? I wasn’t even thinking of Erin at the time but I knew what it was when I felt it in my heart chakra. It was quick and lethal and pierced me to the bone. It is strong and has not yet dissipated, and the fact that it arrived after such joy is perplexing.

The Observer is somewhat apart from the human me. It is as if it sits back and says hmmm…this is interesting. It looks at causal relationships, what the physical body is doing in relation to my emotional state, and even sometimes directs traffic in a sense. It is unable, at this point anyway, to stave off physical responses to emotional stress, but it observes and catalogs them in my mind. It is often perplexed and needs more data. Sometimes, like right now, it is distracting and takes me away from the intense pain that I am experiencing. Other times I don’t notice it and just wallow for a period until I can pick myself up and move on.

Yesterday I was listening to Magenta Pixie, who is very detailed and helpful, talk about the moments of joy and how that is key to changing your vibration and life. I felt better after listening and understanding whatever it was she was saying. I can sustain joy for short periods of time. In fact, I often seek it out during the day in order to get through things and not completely sink under the waves. In other words I cultivate joy and loving moments because I understand vibration and what I must do to sustain my existence here and contribute to the whole. Until otherwise known, my sole mission is to achieve and beam out the heart-centered, Christ consciousness love that until recently has been just a fairy tale here on Earth. What would Jesus do? We didn’t get it until quite recently, and not all of us have understood yet. When you do and your heart is turned on you will know. It’s an unmistakable feeling.

The irony is that here I am, finally getting it, and am constantly dragging a boulder up hill to try and get there. My other choice is to abandon ship, be completely unfeeling, and waste the rest of my life in this body doing such. Neither option is a feel good option, but at least trudging ahead provides value.

Now, had I not been upset I may have started this out as an article telling you that I feel shitty too, and here are things I do to move that out of my body, mind, and spirit. So let me just recap on that…

No matter what you are depressed about, having anxiety about, or insert here, you do have some control over your state of mind and emotions via the actions you can take when you begin to feel poorly. Everything in your body/mind/spirit is a vibration, and sound is also a vibration. Keep in mind that you can “push” the vibration that is making you feel bad out of your body by doing things like listening to music that you love, working with tuning forks, crystal or metal “singing” bowls, singing, or even exercising. Emotions are sometimes like weather fronts in such that they move in and hover over you for longer than necessary. So you have to break them up by any means necessary. Be sure that you don’t harm yourself or others. Do something uplifting to move it along.

If you are grieving someone you dearly loved, it doesn’t end. I am being honest and I’m sorry. You do need to process your emotions – don’t live in denial as it is unhealthy and also prolongs whatever actual progress you can make. Drugs and alcohol do the same – stop the process – and your grief will still be there when you sober up or get off your medication. I am not giving you medical advice, but I am telling you that if you are numbing the pain with anything at all then you aren’t fully processing your emotions. You do what you need to do to get through it though, without harming yourself or others please. Otherwise, do things that you can do like using sound therapy to change the vibration within. There are days when I have to listen to 2 hours of Tibetan singing bowls in order to get over a hump and function. Thankfully I work from home and can do that.

Distraction is ok. There was a time that I was beating myself up for the many useless, time consuming distractions that now fill my life. Then I realized that they were helpful and caused me to disengage from my thoughts, which weren’t always constructive. Use distraction as needed. Writing this blog today was a distraction for me. I suppose that in the early days of my grief I used distraction as a “drug” of sorts, and I did have to balance it out. Thankfully it wasn’t something I became dependent on, but I do use the hell out of it when I need to.

Once you are able to do so, maybe you can see the value in your situation and find some gratitude for it. It sucks in a way but it is helpful to do so. I am not thankful that Erin’s body died and that she is not here. However, the entire experience has done many things for me. It opened my heart – fully and completely – to the Christ consciousness type of love for others and myself. I have done a very regular life review for nearly 3 years now. You know – the thing you do supposedly when your body dies? Well I have random memories pop up and I see what I could have done differently. I am reviewing the living hell out of this lifetime and I am changed forever because of it.

And therein lies the rub. I cannot go back – back to who I was even the day Erin’s body died – because I am such a different person due to my experience. I am a kinder, more loving, wiser person. And I cannot give that away.  I am grateful that I am open minded, and that when Erin told me during several meditations that she would see me soon, that I believed her. She asked me to believe in fact. And she had me meet a wonderful friend who had gotten similar messages from her recently gone husband. I am grateful that I have someone to believe with, I’m grateful that I am experiencing this wondrous journey with Erin, and I am grateful that it’s not just me but others who have soul bonds with those not here right now, that they also will feel the gratitude and joy that I will when we are reunited.

I”m going to hang on to that gratitude for a few minutes, and then find some singing bowls to even me out. Thank you for walking this journey with me. I will say again that I have not forgotten not one of you, your kindness and love is with me on a constant basis. I don’t care how different we may look or seem, or where you are from or what religion you are. I do care that you are kind and loving, and together we will change this world. I am grateful for that.

Namaste, and #missingerin <3

Apr 20

Musings for 4/20/2017

I just had a revelation but I’m not quite sure what to make of it. I had someone look at my house last night. We got a call out of the blue a week ago from a neighbor / real estate agent who had a client that wanted to see our home. We had just decided to stay – again – but we decided on Friday to entertain this flow of events. So the guy came and looked, and it may be too small for his large family who needs a lot of storage (really? It’s like 4200 sq ft or so). It wasn’t a definite no though. And hey, it’s not even on the market so it’s a very vague, hard to grab hold of situation.

I was sitting here listening to a YouTube that talked about healing things related to the mother energy, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have repeatedly asked to be settled and have a sanctuary, and here I am years later still up in the air. And I suddenly said to the Universe – Enough! No more! I found the above graphic for emphasis Universe! What more do I need to do?

I have been learning to go with the flow. Actually, I already knew that if the flow wasn’t there then nothing was going to be “going” with any “flowing” and I get that. But at what point do we say Enough already! I honestly don’t know, and as I say that, now I have a somewhat better understanding but not a complete one.

As I understand it, the factors at play here are:

The Flow – that’s what I call the natural order, natural way that things move. Our lives do have choice points, but they move along a flow of universal energy that gets us to where we need to go. You can put any label you want on it and it remains the same. Abraham describes it as doing what feels good or excites you. The assumption is that it will not be harmful to others.

Free Will – we do have free will that we exercise on a constant basis, and it’s up to us to make a choice. Do I brush my teeth first thing in the morning or wait until after I eat? Does it matter? It might if I have to leave the house early, or maybe I don’t care about that possibility. Maybe I go with what feels good (the flow but also my free will choice) and later I end up in a car accident that I would have missed if only I had brushed my teeth earlier.

Fear – expanding on the above example, maybe I’m so afraid that my choices will land me in an unpleasant spot that I cease to leave my home. As Rush so aptly puts it “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” But nevertheless, it renders you stagnant and the possibility for growth and change diminishes. Did you forfeit what you came here to experience? Rhetorical question of course.

So what’s a gal to do here? I’m tired dammit, and I say enough already. I built my sanctuary, which has become not only my prison but my own personal torture chamber. And then I tried to move on but you cut the flow off folks. And then just when I get a level of comfort, BAM! Not just a faster flow but a space of uncertainty. THAT’S my objection! Hey, at least I got that far.

I suspect this is just another symptom of my need to control. But do you see that my need for control stems from this constant state of upheaval? I have really endured this my entire life here. Complained about it yes, but ENDURED. Don’t I get something for that? Am I supposed to feel gratitude and joy for it? Because I don’t. It’s been a blessing but mostly a curse. I’m flexible yeah, but I’m also miserable.

I know, it’s the journey that’s important. Just show me the sign at the fork in the road and I’ll be on my way. No rest for the weary, or wicked, or whatever that song is.

Namaste and Blessings <3 #missingerin <3

Apr 19

Musings for 4/19/2017

UGH is today’s word, brought to you by Grief Street. I know many of you are there with me, and if not you are nearby on Depression Avenue. I know because you have been kind enough to open up to me about your struggles and now we share a bond. An extra special bond of deep understanding and love.

Yesterday I had a cascade happen. It was like a perfect storm that formed slowly and snowballed until it blew a shotgun blast type hole in my heart chakra. I admit, I have not felt that “hole” in quite some time but there it was, at bedtime, and instead of sleep I just wanted to cry and possibly destroy the bedroom. But instead I choked it down quietly. Shaun had an outpatient procedure yesterday (he is fine) and I didn’t want to disturb him.

It was the outpatient procedure that started everything. Oddly enough, the Women and Children’s portion of the hospital takes males for outpatient procedures, and there we were in the same portion of the hospital where Erin had been biopsied early on by St Jude (who found nothing). It was also the hospital she was born in. And it sucked. I managed to keep it together until it was time to leave but I cried the entire way to the car, sucked it up to rid my face of the redness and tears, and picked him up.

It doesn’t matter if stress or whatnot is acknowledged. It is still there until you process it and by that I mean feel the emotions, deal with it, understand it. So it sat there all day/evening until a damn new baby commercial (Huggies?) came on and suddenly I was flooded with the details of Erin’s birthday. It’s a long story, but I have a lot of regret because I was asleep and no one brought my baby to me for like 5 hours. I wonder how she felt? Alone? I bet she did. It hit me hard and suddenly there was the huge hole in my heart chakra. I could sense the color and general shape, and I knew there was no sleep for me last night until I did something to change the energy. So I found a guided meditation and after 45 minutes, I was calm enough to sleep.

So many people think that grief, or depression, is either not so bad, not real, or definitely linear. I have a dear friend who has suffered depression for years and I never understood. I would tell her to dig herself out of it and think of the good things in her life. And I admit I still don’t understand depression without a reason, but I sort of get it now because I have anxiety that pops up when it damn well pleases and with no clear triggers. Yes, it’s all related to Erin’s absence, but no clear triggers sometimes. That means things can be going well and then shit, they aren’t.

I realized either this morning or last night that I am in no shape right now to upgrade my job. I’ve been wanting a new opportunity but damn, I’m permanently broken. I probably have a legitimate disability but if I tried to document it, they would just want to medicate me. To each their own but let me be clear…medication cannot fix what is ailing me. Which is why I have not used it and have no plans to. It might render me in slightly less pain but the root cause is still there and it’s something I have to figure out how to deal with.

I read an article last night before I realized I couldn’t sleep, and I echo what this person said and it helped me to better understand what was happening with me. I’m also not the same person as when this began for me, and I’m also glad. I am not happy about the circumstances, but I do not want to lose the progress that I have made as a soul on this journey. She also notes that it takes work every single day, and that it’s like digging yourself out of a deep, dark hole using a plastic shovel. The shovel will break, and break a lot, and you just have to get another and keep digging.

I keep digging, every day. At least it gives me something to do. Sometimes I just distract myself, and other times I have to force a different vibration into the cells of my body in order to continue to function. That’s what I did last night with the guided meditation, but I could have also done it with Tibetan singing bowls or crystal bowls (they are all over YouTube!), chanting (like Gregorian or other monks), tuning forks, or even popular music that makes me feel good. Sound is vibration after all and it’s a great quick fix. It is not a permanent fix, but I submit these helpful things to you guys because they have helped me to get through moments and days when I thought I could no longer exist in this body.

There was more but the flow is gone. Blessings and peace to all of you who are in pain and suffering. I’m so sorry, and I love you and am hopeful that our suffering will come to an end one day <3

#missingerin

Apr 06

Musings for 4/6/2017

Fear. Most of us don’t even realize that fear permeates our daily lives, our bodies, minds, and virtually anything we consciously experience. Sometimes it rears it’s ugly head as plain old fear, but usually it’s masked as something more along the lines of guilt, anger, shame, superstition, OCD type behaviors, and even seemingly positive emotional responses.

Over the last few days I have had to confront my eons old control issue and at the same time I did not see it clearly. A trusted mentor told me that some things I was feeling, at the time guilt and frustration, really just led back to my control issue. Unable to control the outcome sums it up, and yes, I certainly do not like that. But even a need for control is just a symptom, and I was also unable to see the link to fear.

Why would I link it to fear? Well, on an emotional scale the general guidance is that Love is at the positive end and Fear is at the negative end. You can find more detailed scales, some which associate the emotion with measured Hertz wavelengths, but I have included an easy one here. I learned this years ago doing emotional clearing work, and while I don’t use it often, sometimes you have to go back to basics to figure something out.

I also started using my tarot again, mostly for fun but they brought some understanding too. Basically my unfocused energy is creating frustration, and while I’m at the end of one cycle and beginning of another, I am doing myself an injustice with the inaction and lack of focus. It was a clear message, and subsequent messages indicated that further understanding is needed. Then, during a guided meditation that I did, in popped an understanding of what the deeper meaning of the grief I experience is – FEAR.

Have you ever read FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real? That’s a cliche that many throw around but it’s also very on point. I am afraid of not seeing Erin again, of believing and of hope, and of everything I know being false and illusion. I’m afraid of the long time it may be before we are together again. And other stuff, but all generally related.

I never acknowledged fear much before Erin left her body. Now I must confront it head on and make it my friend it seems. I’ve got to find gratitude or I will never move beyond it. I’m really OK with the grief, but I have a deep understanding of how fear motivates thoughts and actions in a negative way. So I need to figure this one out.

It is true that when I am hopeful and, well, any combo of the three positive lines of stuff above, that I do not feel grief (fear). I feel nothing but love, and an sureness that things will turn out in a loving, positive way. I do have expectations attached to that, but I’m in a human body with a human mind, and so that is natural.

For lack of anything more constructive, I want to thank Fear today for several things.

Thank you Fear for giving me an opportunity to really examine what I know, why I know it, and in doing so keeping what serves my highest good and discarding the rest. I really had to examine my Belief System (BS! Haha!) after Erin left her body, and holding myself to things I truly believe has been a challenge. I know that when this is over, I will truly Believe versus just Know, whatever it may be.

Thank you Fear for sticking with me when I was stripped bare, raw, and was in the depths of despair. Without you, I might have left my own body and (UGH) had to repeat this lifetime of lessons over again. I certainly would not have had the wherewithal to do things like eat, brush my teeth, and take a bath if I had not been “afraid” of things like tooth decay and smelling bad.

Thank you Fear for immediately showing me what I was most afraid of after Erin left her body. You gave me my first thought, which was “I have to live the rest of my life without her.” And that is still my biggest fear, but it also spurred all of the other emotional stripping, processing, belief system examining, and everything else that I have done including diversion and distraction. It mobilized me to action, even if I didn’t know what that action was for.

Thank you Fear for walking with me on this journey, so that I could get to this point and be able to rise above where You are. I still need you around for things like “Don’t put your foot on that wet sidewalk” and stuff like that, but I hope to outgrow my need for you soon. No offense. It is a testament to how good you are at your job and also how good I am at learning. So we both win.

Thank you Fear for causing me to change habits that really didn’t serve me. Since I feared despair, I no longer eat ice cream, sweets including chocolate, macaroni and cheese, fast food (except McDonald’s breakfast on occasion!) and a host of other things that I used to eat with Erin. Those things weren’t good for me anyway. I also thank you for the scare you gave me that time I drank way too much, so that I could see that I was self-medicating. I didn’t need to do that either.

And thank you Fear for the breakdown the other day that spurred this line of contemplation. I have grown from it and I understand more today than I did yesterday. That’s the entire point, and I am grateful for this and other things that don’t come to mind at this time. I release you from your role and from blame.

I also want to mention that most of the time Fear is the instrument of our Inner Child (or Ego), who is most likely protecting the both the body and the psyche. That is another story, but in this case, my Inner Child, whose name is Hyacinth, was just as debilitated as I was and so we experienced this journey in an integrative way, together.

I am more at ease but it still hurts. I guess the universe had to give me something absolutely and completely out of my control so that I would just throw the damn towel in. It sure did a good job 🙂

Namaste and #missingerin <3

Apr 05

Musings for 4/5/2017

Every day, this is what I feel like inside. Some days are worse. This week, it has been worse and what that means is that I cannot keep it inside and it must come out. For those of you who are grieving along side me, I am so very sorry…for you…for us.

Earlier in the week I spoke to a friend who is also on a grieving journey. During our conversation she asked if maybe I could help others, and we also discussed finding happiness etc. again in our lives. I gave her an honest answer and have had two days to think about this because I realize that I have more work to do emotionally, no matter the outcome. By that I mean that I have to process, come to realizations, and be able to live with things. I do not mean that it will magically make my life better or happier.

As you know I have really tried to be real and so I am going to be real now. But you won’t like hearing what I have to say and it’s probably not very helpful either. The truth is, grief does not get better. It simply becomes a part of your life, like chronic pain. How many of you have chronic pain? I don’t, but I’ve talked to many and read about it and the consensus is that you learn to live with it. You modify your routines and your life so that it doesn’t completely debilitate you and you just live with it. But the pain is still there. Others may think “Oh! Sallie is feeling great today. Or she must be because I don’t see her limping or wincing or complaining!” When the truth is that Sallie has just learned to live with her pain. Or maybe she’s on pain pills, which just means that the pain is still there but it’s being masked. Maybe she’s in excruciating pain but has made lemonade out of lemons and is smiling through it, trying to make you feel more comfortable while she enjoys time not being alone. Because if Sallie is a downer, then you won’t want to hang out, and she will be in pain and alone, which sometimes is preferable but sometimes sucks even worse (especially when it’s because people don’t want to be around you).

All of us have grieved and will grieve, but not all grief is the same measure of length, depth, and intensity. All of those are based on the bond of love and thus the degree of feeling separation. I wish that I could give you the gift of knowing MY grief for just a few seconds, and with it the chance to recoil at your leisure never having to know that feeling again. Just like the commercial where the woman’s mother wears some device that let’s her feel her daughter’s migraine pain, it provides a pathway to empathy and understanding.

The truth is, there is no hope for this to “feel better.” There is no hope to move on, to be happy, to be anything really except to get to a place where I can stuff it down deep enough to act normally and perhaps forget it for a few minutes. How could I possibly help another when my first thought (at hearing someone’s child has died) is in regards to how this will be a lifetime of sadness, a prison sentence. I have no words of encouragement. I do have love. I have a lot of love, and empathy, but no words of encouragement.

And if you really look at life here on good old planet Earth, who is really happy? Yes, happiness is a state of mind. Every one of us is making lemonade out of lemons. Perhaps it’s a shitty job, or not enough money, or the three kids you love dearly make life a challenge (you still love them but life isn’t easy). Maybe you are in a bad relationship, or somehow otherwise got the short end of the stick. Daily life is a struggle. Why do you think so many people go out on a bender all weekend after they get paid on Friday? It’s because that’s all the enjoyment they have got, and by enjoyment I mean they get tanked, have some fun, and forget about their problems for awhile. But either way daily life is a struggle, and we try to enjoy it as best as we can while getting through it. We try to find the good points, the love, etc. and focus on those instead of the negative. And we HAVE TO DO THAT, because otherwise we would all just give up.

Does it have to be a struggle? I really cannot see why it does. I feel like something is horribly wrong here and we are just adept at accepting our fate. Many say “It’s God’s will.” Really? God wants you to suffer, be poor, sick, etc? Why? Some others would say it’s the dark forces, or Satan. And still others “Earth is a learning place. We come here to learn.” Well look folks, these somewhat contradictory points of view really just divided and conquered us, locking us in to one shitty thing or another but spun as something good and valuable. I ask with all sincerity, WTF???

And as I ask that, I acknowledge that I have gotten tremendous value and wisdom from my life experiences, both negative and positive. Even the most painful ones, I do not want to forget, ever, because I do not want to lose the value. But I am calling BS on “this,” whatever this is. I’m not entirely sure what this is, but it’s not good or right and it isn’t kind and loving. I have learned that if it’s not kind and loving, then it’s not where you need to be. So why, why are we here in this place of awful suffering, instead of somewhere kind and loving? I have no idea.

My flow is gone and so I know that’s the end of today’s tirade. I feel like it was a tirade anyway, but one that needed to be expressed even if no one reads it. I see you Illusion! And I’m coming for you!

#missingerin with every breath I take. At least I forgot for a few moments how horribly sad and how painful this is <3

 

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