Feb 16

Musings for 2/16/2017

I have forgotten where I got this from so my apologies to the artist, but isn’t it gorgeous? It embodies my vision of my journey back to source. Could be Source, could be the source (beginning) of my journey, could be a next step. Who knows. All that I know is that I woke up on the 13th knowing that we have past the point of return and that it is now that we embody our missions, or not. You can use the metaphor of wheat and chaff if you will. Hopefully I’m headed wherever this beautiful road is going <3

I want to share my dream from the night of the 12th with you. It was very dark but it’s important to share because it wasn’t just for me. It was for and about where we are going as a collective. I became aware as I was standing before a Native American warrior in a full feathered headdress. He was not combative, though, and as I became aware that I was going to kill him and use his meat for food, he seemed to also be resigned to his fate. I used his own rock and wood spear to make a hole in his neck, and laid him down as the blood drained from his now lifeless body. At this point, I put his meat in the cooker and was very careful to save his headdress. In Native symbolism, the feathers represent acts of bravery, and perhaps this brave act of bowing to fate was this warrior’s bravest act. I knew I must save the headdress, but was very disturbed when the facial skin came off with it. I was busy and so laid it aside. It was somewhat like a mask.

At this point I smelled a foul smell, and so did the people I was feeding. They were relying on me for food, but said that they could not eat the meat as it smelled spoiled. I agreed and threw it out, and then was disturbed that I had killed this man for nothing and began to feel guilty. We disposed of his body in some sort of garbage pile, and still disturbed about the facial skin, I gathered up the headdress/mask and disposed of it as well.

Right now we as a global people are befouled by what we clamor to for sustenance. That includes actual food, our entertainment, money, things, etc. We take no matter what the cost (such as life) and do not give any thought to what the consequences are (i.e., the foul meat). I woke feeling that this dream showed me that the ancient prophecies are now in play, that things have progressed to a point that those of us who know are resigned to our fate. But we are bravely resigned, knowing that those who continue to fear and act in greed and anger will not get what they thought they bargained for. I also feel that the “mask” shows us the illusion of all things. This dream was a fantastic metaphor that enriched my understanding of where we are now greatly.

What happens next may be painful, but our attitudes and reactions are what matter most. Do we continue to be greedy? Do we support people who will fill our pockets with money and food, but at the expense of others? Or do we trust that we will be taken care of and supported, and pass that kindness and love on to others?

I have been called to be a lighthouse in this lifetime. I lovingly give my light to you so that you might find understanding and refuge. I hope that you will be enriched by it, and then choose to reflect your own light so that others might have the same refuge. I’m excited about our wild ride together, as it’s what I am here for this time around. And you too, even if you don’t remember it.

And thank you to whomever my Native American guide is. I did not recognize you in the dream but I am sure that you popped in to share that important message with me. I woke up with new purpose and a knowing I haven’t had in a very long time. I know the time is now, and I am ready and willing to serve.

Much love to everyone. Peace, blessings, and Namaste <3 And #missingerin <3


Feb 06

Musings for 2/6/2017

I could not write over the past week because I have been so irritated. Irritated with people, with ignorance, with divisiveness, with their fears, and with their unkind and unloving manner. I don’t care who started it or who acted like x, y, or z. You end it. Stop acting like an ass. Or at least stop acting like you are kind and loving. Just say you aren’t and move on in honesty.

So with that said, I don’t like feeling irritated. For one, there is nothing that I can do about how you act. I can only do something about how I act. I was also picking up on the angst in the collective consciousness. It’s the same thing as mob mentality where a feeling such as anger, worry, etc. blows like wildfire through the people in a group or crowd. In our case it’s our country. Everyone is pointing fingers, mad at their neighbors, saying my side is better than yours, I don’t like those people, etc. Wake up though folks…and remember that divided WE FALL.

I have had to let it go. I don’t know what my role is right now. I am a spiritual warrior and I will stand up for what is fair and kind and loving. I will stand up for the underdog in a heart beat if they are being mistreated, and I will do so at my own peril. I’m also concerned about women’s issues. I see our rights being eroded away but what can I do? I’m already awake to this fact. I think now that I just need to sit back and let those newly awakened and emboldened ones find their wings and cheer them on as they fly. Then one day I will know what to do and will take my place wherever that may be. Right now I cannot add value and so I will just love and practice kindness. And when I get irritated, I will do my best to silently work it out. My feelings or irritation are my problem, not yours, so silence is golden.

Something else that I am being guided strongly to say right now is that people need to open their minds to the fact that (I would say) most of us who support women’s reproductive rights – yes abortion – do not support an all out free for all abortion fest. There are several circumstances where a woman needs the right to choose. No, not because she carelessly had sex and knew the consequences. And no, not after a certain point in the pregnancy. But yes, there are circumstances and we have a human right to make an informed decision and take care of our bodies, minds, and spirits. I don’t recall the Bible stating at which point a soul attaches to a human embryo either, so save that argument for your late night insomnia bouts and hash that out with yourself.

Something else to consider is that if a woman becomes pregnant, support her. I can tell you AS A WOMAN and FROM EXPERIENCE that sometimes women are other women’s worst enemies. Women will tell you that they care, and then they will talk bad about you behind your back for doing things they also do. Like having sex. Or getting pregnant out of wedlock (why do we even care these days?), or doing those things and then not being able to afford to care for your child, or whatever. I bet you’ve done it. When I was in high school, and long after, I would never admit to having sex. I was doing it and my friends were doing it, but if I had admitted to it I would have been called a slut and a whore. I saw people who did get pregnant and who did carry their babies go to great lengths to hide it. Can you imagine the poor child who felt unloved from the start? I’m sure it was as awful for the children as it was for the parent. Maybe if we had a healthier view of sex in our society kids wouldn’t be getting pregnant and having sex. I personally had a bad example as well as a lack of information as I never had “the talk.” How many other kids have it that bad, or worse? Probably lots.

By the way, in Biblical times onward, virginity was considered a virtue because the husband needed to ensure that those were his children. So all of the burden was put on the female. Thanks guys.

I had no idea I was going to write this all today by the way. And I’m in quite a mood after doing so. Don’t even get me started on #dresslikeawoman . You might get an ear full.

Oh yeah, and I’m also depressed today. Was yesterday too. Sometimes the full weight of Erin’s absence just weighs on me like nobody’s business. #missingerin

So I leave you with that, and I have a tremendous urge to wear a pink vagina hat and go march downtown somewhere. Don’t worry though. I’m way too lazy for that and I haven’t showered yet 🙂

Peace, love, blessings, and Namaste. Really – Namaste. <3

Jan 30

Musings for 1/30/2017

Oh my goodness, can you even stand the hate? I can’t. Does everyone understand that the founding of America was done “illegally” and that we took someone else’s land when we invaded? I suspect in some cases, those who flocked here also fled as refugees from an oppressive government or some other type of situation. It’s a very ironic argument that they make to keep others out, and a very sad commentary on us as people. I’m personally ashamed.

If you are rolling your eyes at me, please just click unfriend. I won’t judge you and maybe you will lift a burden from me because I can’t bear to unfriend some of you. I keep hoping that you are kind and loving in your heart and just reacting from fear. Ok – I misspoke that. I keep hoping that you will remember that you are acting from fear. Fear is at the root of hatred and the “us vs them” mentality. There is no us vs them. There is only US. Perhaps that was a good joke our founders played when they named us the United States (US). They were fairly wise dudes, so I suspect it wasn’t lost on them.

More irony…I went to a multi-year high school reunion on Saturday night for my alma mater, the Lee High Generals. It was so much fun and I’m glad I went. One of my classmates said something profound and very true, and that was I wish we had known each other better in high school. ME TOO! And that goes to most of the people I saw and hung out with on Saturday. I say most because the a few others I do know better, but I wish I had known you all better.

Do you know why I did not? Simply put, US vs THEM. Maybe they didn’t look right, or they were weird (I’m so weird – did y’all not know? LOL!), or they were in one sorority (yep, we had ’em) and I was in another. Or hell – I was a cheerleader and maybe they were on danceteam? Lived in the wrong neighborhood? You get the picture. Us vs them. And I am ashamed of that, but I am so glad that I woke up and am not that person anymore. I wish that for all of you. It is liberating and opens your heart.

I cannot express just how much I enjoyed seeing all of you on Saturday. It really was nice to see each and every one of you and hug your necks and have some laughs. Why we don’t do it more often is beyond me – we should.

I still love you if you are hateful and exclusionary, but I am going to be loving you from afar. They also weren’t joking when they said United we stand, divided we fall. Us vs them is a fallacy, one you’ve been sold to divide your attention and it stirs up endless, meaningless conflict. It’s time to embrace unity folks. We are citizens of Earth even if we are still divided by countries and the imaginary lines around them.

I’m going to leave you with The New Colossus, by Emma Lazarus, the poem inscribed on the Statue of Liberty. And I’m going to remind you all of my sweet Erin’s example. She did not see color, or religion, or how rich or poor you were. She saw people, and she loved them all (even the ones who treated her badly).

The New Colossus

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,

With conquering limbs astride from land to land;

Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand

A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame

Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name

Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand

Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command

The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

“Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she

With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

Jan 23

Musings for 1/29/2017

I hope TZ didn’t mind me sharing her quote. She has some great ones and I love whatever program this is that puts them into a graphic.

I have been reading divisive words all day and it has taken it’s toll on me. I’m really not sure why I continued reading, or replying, to some of the FB threads I have been on.

I always try to be nice even if someone has said something not nice because two wrongs don’t make a right. Some of the stuff I have read (not directed at me) has been so harsh it makes my heart hurt. Does no one understand being loving and kind? I’m starting to wonder. If you ever wonder why light workers and way showers get so burned out, picture a zombie movie where someone fought hard but then gets surrounded, pounced on, then eaten. That’s what it feels like right now. I know I’m not the only beacon in the world or even in my general area, and even if I’m just a candle, there are others. The thing is, it’s hard. The weight of the darkness is heavy and sometimes it completely blocks out the light.

As I watch people with excuses for being ugly to others, it hurts me. They use religion. They use their views on money, politics, race, you name it and they use it. And they justify being ugly to others and most of us just let them. We don’t say “Hey, that is not ok.” We don’t know how. We’ve been told if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all. We don’t want to see or hear the truth because it’s uncomfortable. It hurts, it stings, it disappoints. It can also be wonderful, but we’ve been conditioned to expect otherwise, and so we avoid truth. Just look at the recent “Alternative Facts” debacle. The truth sort of sucked so they made up truths, which as you know you can’t do. I know it is more palatable to the one telling false truths, but we as people have to decide if accepting “it” as truth is more palatable to us. Red or blue pill folks – it’s your choice and you have to make that choice.

I have struggled with FaceBook all day actually. I don’t like to unfriend people. I really don’t even like to unfollow them. I am accepting of most people out there and find something to appreciate in all of them, so I have a diverse group of friends. Maybe I held my own feet to the fire so long this morning so that I can finally make a decision to just unfriend some of those unkind people. Not the ones who are unkind on occasion, but the ones who are consistently unkind. Because you know what? If that’s how you are on FB that’s how you are. And that makes me sad, mostly for me because I wanted to like having you in my life even if it was just online. I really don’t like goodbyes at all, not even with people I just met, in case you wondered why I don’t like watching the door close. We are all One and connected. If you ever feel it, you will know that it’s not just a new age saying but truth and real. But here in 3D, the illusion of separation seems very real. That’s why being apart from someone you deeply care about hurts so much.

I have no immediate plans to unfriend anyone, and I still do not know why I had the odyssey that I did today. I know I don’t like this space that I am immersed in but am trying to go with the flow. There is always something to learn and profit from in a wisdom sense if you stay in the flow. But it’s not all fun and games. Today has definitely not been fun and games.

Without focusing on what I don’t want or what I’m against…which is really tough to do in most of our mindsets including mine…I am for kindness. I am for love. I am for equality. I am for strength and health and ease. I am for compassion. I AM, and so IT IS.

Love, peace, blessings, and Namaste. <3 <3 <3 <3 #missingerin and #LovingErin



Jan 18

Musings for 1/18/2017

I sincerely hope that Abraham-Hicks doesn’t mind me using their quote/pic. It had great meaning for me yesterday and that’s what I want to write about today. I have been quiet again. It’s hard to explain why I become paralyzed and unable to interact with the exception of meaningless posts on FaceBook, and for undetermined amounts of time. So maybe I’ll stop apologizing for it (that’s a laugh!) and just say what I have to say.

When I read this yesterday and snagged it, I cried. The first three sentences perfectly describe Erin’s illness, her loss, and the second portion of it describes what I am trying very hard to do now. I have no idea what the context of this quote is. I suppose that I could look it up but it doesn’t really matter since this is a perfect summary.

I spent my entire life trying to control my circumstances. As a fairly young child I had no control over the chaos happening at home. As I grew older I grew angry that my mother wouldn’t give me a stable home life, and I had some degree of success – sometimes – using anger to get her to fall in line. That usually meant I was either bullying her into coming home, or into making whoever was there leave. I was frequently alone and then when she was there, it was utter chaos in the form of drunkenness, sex, and/or general inappropriateness for children. As I got older and more formidable, I could control it a bit better or so I thought. I was really just able to push things away but never bring them closer.

I had a terrible time when I went to college. I had no control! The thermostat, the noise level, you name it, no control. I am ashamed at some of the ways I acted while trying to cope, but the need for control will do that for you. And then when Shaun and I moved in together…we were a lot alike but I could not control him. In fact, the more I tried the more he pushed back. He’s stubborn that way but it was for a purpose that I just couldn’t see at the time.

The joke here is that none of us are in control of anything…except our actions and reactions. That’s all that we get to choose and we are in complete control of those, and have complete responsibility for them. Anything else is beyond our scope of control.

Keep in mind that I have great manifesting power. I mistook this for control. Like when I had terrible credit and needed a car I managed to get one and pay for it. That was a need, and the universe provides for our needs no matter what. Wants are a different story. We don’t always understand the difference between what we need and what we want. It’s hard for us to see with our 3D, physical minds and hearts. Fate and destiny have a huge role. If it’s not meant to be, or if it is, there is little we can do about it even if we worry. In fact, that just makes it worse.

So when Erin got sick, I put a lot of energy into a healing outcome. I brute forced a lot of stuff that just didn’t stick because it wasn’t meant to. I finally, in her last hours, admitted to myself and to Archangel Michael that I was not in control and needed help. Michael is like a cosmic brother to me. I don’t talk about the “woo woo” stuff here much anymore, because many of my readers since Erin have different interests. But I’m going to talk about it now because he is near and dear to me, as if we have known each other for eons. I am not in control. Wow…a lifetime of self-protection out the window in just five words.

I knew I had control issues. That was all that I had at my disposal to shield myself from the onslaught that was my childhood and I thought that at least when I grew up and had my own house that I could control that, right? That I would have a safe, warm, comfy and quiet sanctuary to call my own. It never turned out that way although now, the joke is on me. It’s overly quiet here now. That’s irony for you.

Control was the next best thing to love. I never felt loved unconditionally, and I never loved unconditionally. I learned that. I had no idea what that looked like. It truly means you feel love with no conditions. I love you even though you are a serial killer – and you really feel it. Doesn’t mean you allow them to harm others. It just means you unconditionally love.

Shaun and I wasted many years trying to control each other, taking things personally when what we saw in the other had nothing to do with us. We let it flow over onto our family relationship. And, of course, in the spirit of fear that she would be harmed or turn out badly, we exerted our control over Erin. I’m sure I was overbearing. I wish that I could explain to her why.

After two weeks in intensive care, I still didn’t know it was the end but I was forever changed. I could not have put it into words yet but I finally got it. The night her body died, I knew it was a life long sentence I had been dealt. And as the months have passed, it became clear that somehow “they” expected me to use this as a catalyst to return to a vibration of joy and unconditional love. If I can do it, after all of this, anyone can. It’s will be etched into the world psyche as a template (which I will have to explain later) for others to access.

Well, I discovered unconditional love. Again, the joke is on me. I finally got it and Erin isn’t here to share it with. Now you say you want me to feel good all the time and I’m in control of that? Well, shit, I get it. But that one is a tall order. I don’t quite have that one down yet.

I share these stories with you so that you can use my template. I haven’t thought of templates in years and may have to do some digging to figure out how to explain them. But you know what a template is. Mine is here, all over this blog, for you to access and adapt to your own situation.

For anyone trying to change your life via changing your thoughts, I highly recommend Abraham’s teachings. They have helped me tremendously and each time I see a quote, I am able to look with a different perspective at whatever it is.

And that is the end of my flow for today my friends. Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin #LovingErin and many, many blessings <3

Jan 02

Musings for 1/2/2017 – Lighting the Way

I started this post many days ago and got only the title out before I was doomed to be in quiet for upwards of 2-3 weeks. In fact, I’m actually typing this second sentence hours after I began the first one for the second time this morning. If I have to brute force it, I want to talk about being a Light Bearer, Light Bringer, Way Shower, and Lighting the Way for others. Feel free to add your own phrase to the ones I came up with.

I listened to a YouTube video maybe 3 weeks ago that talked about this, and while it wasn’t a new concept, it clicked in a different way this time. A few years back I kept hearing the phrase “Firing the Grid.” That wasn’t a new concept either, but it was a strong suggestion given to me and a forum group I heavily participated in at the time. There is an energetic grid around the planet (some call them ley lines, earth lines, etc.), and EM energy runs on them. Places where they intersect are power points or nodes, and many ancient sites and cities were built there. In more modern times, the Catholic church built churches and cathedrals over the ancient sites to harness that power. This is a short history lesson…all of this you can research on your own on the Internet and in your local library.

But I was being shown more. I was being shown that every connection “we” (all of us) make, we leave a trail of light and create our own grids. Think of hundreds of thousands of light workers all over the world connecting with each other, creating a new light grid for the planet. Well it made sense at the time, and is still somewhat within my understanding of things. The point is, we leave a “trail of light” behind us wherever we go. Even on the internet or telephone. Light (photons) do not require our physical presence. It is energy and it goes where our consciousness goes.

Fast forward to the other day (or whenever it was), and the video I heard talked about lighting the way for others. Ah, a more expanded understanding on my previous one. Be the light. Light the way. Light=Love=Joy=Knowledge=Kindness=All That Is. Maybe not equals the way we understand it, but all of those things on the positive end of the spectrum. I’m also being told right now Gnosis, which simply means knowing.

This isn’t a new concept, but it IS a responsibility. Responsibility for your words and actions, for whether you spread kindness or hate, compassion or disdain, love or not love, you get the point. But it’s sort of like the pill in the Matrix. Once you take it, you are illuminated and changed. And most of us don’t want to go backwards. We now know that we are a lighthouse for others. For those who lost their way, for those who are in pain, for those who struggle, even for those who hate, abuse, and kill. BE THE LIGHT. LIGHT THE WAY. It’s so simple!

If I come across the video that sparked this I will post the link. Until then, my friends, Light the way for everyone you meet. Many of you have certainly lighted the way for me and continue to do so. I love you for that and for all that you are.

Namaste, Blessings, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Dec 13

Musings for 12/13/2016

I started this yesterday but was unable to finish. We have been keeping Anna Kate, Erin’s best friend, after school for the past week and I ran out of time before she got here. I wonder how hard it is for her? It was very hard for me the first day but now I find myself excited that she is coming, but sad at the same time because Erin should be here with her. She sits at Erin’s spot at the kitchen table and quietly listens to music and does homework and doesn’t talk with us until we engage her. I wonder if she remembers that was Erin’s spot? No one else sits there and in fact, we no longer use our table to eat on. But I’m glad she sits there. It’s nice.

I was going to write this yesterday as a letter to Erin, but it’s too depressing to do that. She was due on 12/12, and if she had been born that day, maybe her numerology would have laid out a different path for her. If you don’t believe in that fine, but everything is divine timing no matter what label you put on it.

Third birthday without her, coming up on third Xmas, already been third Halloween and Thanksgiving. And on top of that I have been sick since Saturday morning with a cold and stomach virus. Both of us have. I feel better now except for the dang sinus headache. I was off most of the day Monday but  unable to sleep due to a neighbor dog that keeps barking. It’s becoming a real nuisance, but anyway, not the dog’s fault. Oh one more thing to complain about…needed some top coat for my nails that I painted. Discovered I had given all of mine to my aunt along with some polish, so I checked my mother’s cabinet and there was some! I said thank you Mom, filled with gratitude. Come to find out I couldn’t open the darn bottle no matter how hard I twisted it. There has to be a message there but my desire to find it is lost. I opened the bottle after Anna Kate got here. So it must have been an energy thing.

I am unmotivated. I am uninterested in most things. And I find that I respond with irritation when asked to express my feelings on any subject (pretty much). I am going back into one of those quiet modes and can’t seem to do much about it. I have put a lot of time, effort, and money so far into studying for the PMP but really am not interested in it in the least. I’m not yet ready to take the test but need to get ready so that I can move on in whatever direction, but having finished the time and money investment. I don’t know if I’m unfulfilled because of my grief, or if it is just time for me to take a new direction in life. I’ve really got no clue whatsoever but hope that 2017 brings illumination.

We pretty much decided to forget selling the house at all. Neither of us has the energy for it. But I suspect that if the stars align and we see it, we will sell it anyway. But who knows. We have a 5 bedroom house that used to be a home. Now all that it’s good for is for drunk people to crash in when they can’t get a ride home. Sad but brutally honest and true. I don’t begrudge them that, and have a good time with my good friends who we let stay, but a comparison of life as a family and life now is sad and depressing. For those of you who feel trapped in your adult, family life…if it’s taken away you will miss it terribly.

I think I only have complaints and despair today so I am going to cut it short. Thank you though to everyone who remembered Erin on her birthday. There were many of you and we appreciated it immensely even if we were unable to say it. Thank you so much for loving our baby as much as we do.

#missingerin <3


Dec 07

Musings for 12/7/2016

Since “Bridge” doesn’t really sound good on a business card, maybe I will have some made up with “Transition Manager” on them. Not the business type of transition of course, but the personal sort (and maybe collective sort). I suppose that the more painful it is for me now, the less painful and traumatic it might be later when and if I am called to do this for my life’s work. As an empath, your pain is painful. My pain is unbearable. Right now I tend to avoid both, but seem to be going through some desensitization process.

I wish that I could tell you what my latest transition “job” is, but I can’t in order to protect privacy. I will say though that it is going to be rewarding, compassionate, and painful. And it’s the right thing to do, my duty, so I will forge on full speed ahead even if I am a crazy person inside.

But it’s still funny how things manifest in ways you never could have imagined. Even though I have been privy to some very awe inspiring things in my lifetime here, I never cease to be amazed. And that’s fantastic, because I love amazement and believe that my openness to it is a big part of why I am still here. The smallest thing can be amazing, and awe inspiring, and all sorts of wonderful things.

I also had the opportunity yesterday to explain the Christ Consciousness to someone. You have absolutely no idea how difficult it is to communicate to anyone – even someone on this path as long as me – what I have absorbed and grew into wisdom over this long period of time. How do you communicate that? And to someone who has no knowledge or little knowledge? Wow, but hey, I felt it flow out and was pleased. Any other time you could seriously ask me a simple question and the answer would be so complex in my mind that I simply can’t communicate it. Not yesterday though, and by the way that’s why I don’t write articles much anymore. I can’t organize them. Anyway, thank you to the person who asked the original question. I suspect that the gift was more for me than for you. Again, amazing how the universe works.

I also moved on to chapter 7 of the Christine Day material that I’m reading and doing audio meditations with. It was profitable and I had some energetic boons out of that. I love her book called Pleiadian Initiations of Light. She’s just one of those people you want to go and hug because her energy is so lovely. If you are doing inner work or want to unload some baggage without doing old school emotional clearing, I recommend this to you. The release is often subtle but powerful.

Today seems to be a new day, and 4 days before Erin’s birthday. I almost said 5. She was supposed to be a 12/12 baby but came a day early and changed her entire numerology. I can see the choice points that led us from there to here, and while they don’t make me feel better, I get it. I don’t miss her any less than I did a little over 2 years and 3 birthdays ago. In fact it F’ing sucks to be bluntly honest. Sunday you will likely find me doing something to engage my mind and not getting out to be reminded of it, or to see the neighborhood luminaries that I hear will be out that day. UGH. I will try to post on her birthday on Missingerin.net, but it may be the day after.

Blessings, Namaste, Nutsmaste, #missingerin and #LovingErin

Dec 05

Musings for 12/5/2016

I can’t believe it is December. I am sure I blank that out in my mind as long as I can so that I don’t have to face December. Erin’s 13th birthday is coming up on 12/11 and then there is the dreaded Christmas holiday. UGH. Funny how something we loved so much is now so dreaded and hated. I don’t expect you to understand, though, and I’m glad you don’t actually. If you don’t understand, you are still living the dream of being with your loved ones, and I’m reluctantly happy for you.

I almost did not write reluctantly, but let’s face it, I covet what you have. I can’t help it and have stopped apologizing for it. It physically hurts me to see your happy family when I walk down the street of my neighborhood, or when I go to the grocery store, or anywhere else. Even seeing fake families (like on TV) hurts. The whole gd thing hurts and it sucks. Now that I have gotten that out of the way…

I had another realization last week after my last post that I was reluctant to accept, and I mean about being there for people when their body dies. For many years I have known that I am a bridge. I am the person who can bridge the gaps between “groups” and individuals and find common ground. Sort of an ambassador of sorts, bridging one reality with another. I’ve long thought my journey would bring me to some sort of employment where I did that on a daily basis or as a primary task, and knew that as things change in our world I could help others to bridge the gap and transition without fear. Well la dee dah, what did I think I was doing sitting with people while they die? Thanks universe. I guess you gave me what I asked for in a weird way. I do hope that my presence and energy assisted them with their transition, and as I said I would do it again if called to do so. UGH. But on another note, nothing else could possibly be quite so hard so touche universe. Did I complete my training well?

I received a call from the family member that I had mentioned was upset, etc. To respect privacy I plan to be very vague but there is a reason that I mention this. I still disagree wholeheartedly with that person’s words and thus views; however, the sentiment from both of us was LOVE. And really, isn’t that what matters? I talk about it a lot and I realize that not everyone is in the same “space” as I am regarding unconditional love. But there was nothing more to discuss. I love you was both of our message. It was what mattered. I don’t have to agree with that person or condone their actions or words, but I do love them unconditionally. And I believe that love will transform both of us. I don’t have to be attached to how or when because none of those are important.

Now, please don’t misunderstand. You can love unconditionally and still not place yourself in an unsafe or unloving situation. An example: I may have unconditional love for my abusive boyfriend but it would not be safe to have him in my life. I would thus leave the situation immediately and love myself enough to do so. Unconditional love does not mean subjecting yourself to abuse or danger. I recommend Matt Kahn for more on this topic, and echo his repeated sentiments that if you are in any danger to leave the situation immediately.

Other than this, I am internally in some eruptive state like a volcano. A lot is boiling under the surface and I have a very short attention span as well as bouts of, well, lots of things. I can’t sleep then I can’t wake up, I am jittery and yet lethargic. I certainly cannot meditate at this time. Even my sacred space (inner space) is having an earthquake as I discovered last night. December is just not a good month.

I guess that’s all for today. I have also decided to start writing articles again. Some may be on the blog, and for you non-interested folks I’ll keep my daily (yeah right, lol) blog called Musings and will title anything other appropriately.

Love, Blessings, Peace, Prosperity, #missingerin and #LovingErin <3

Nov 29

Musings for 11/29/2016

I apologize for being MIA for so long. I left to go to a beautiful wedding in Atlanta, GA the weekend before Thanksgiving. I had a fun and eventful time for many reasons, some of which I will probably write about here. But almost as soon as I returned, my husband’s father Larry had a massive stroke and died Tuesday before Thanksgiving. That kicked off several days of day-long obligations and exhaustion before we could finally bury him yesterday.

Some of you may have lost count, but Larry was the 5th close family member that has died within the last 2 years. Unfortunately for me, he is the 4th close family member that I have sat with while they took their last breath. Seeing someone die is, well, there are no words. It is horrifying and yet if you can distance yourself from it it’s also beautiful knowing they are leaving the confines of the body. When my Erin’s body died, it was surreal, but with the others I have been painfully aware of their struggle. Watching them gasp for the last breath is, again, no words.

I do not know why this has suddenly been thrust upon me. I say suddenly – yes it’s been two years but it seems very recent. And please don’t tell me that I could refuse or leave. Once you have the opportunity to be there with someone you love, living or dying, for support, it is your duty. That sort of duty you put above all others and you choke back your emotions and you do it. You comfort them – the living and the dying – and you love them.

I admit, though, that much like what I assume a social worker goes through, I am struggling with the experiences. First there are the experiences, then you sit and smile at the well-meaning people telling you all sorts of crap about how it will be OK (it won’t) and why (most of it pure BS), then come people who try to take advantage of the bereaved, and then there is the paperwork and logistics that a life is reduced to in death. Most people don’t know that if their elderly parent’s social security is paid before a certain day of the month you have to pay it back depending on the day their death falls on. That’s a rude awakening if you aren’t a rich person. I still get insurance statements for my mother almost 2 years later. There are constant reminders.

Yesterday when we got home from the funeral, I checked the mail. The top item in my mailbox was a damn American Girl catalog, which made me cry. Maybe it was Erin saying hello after Papa’s (pronounced Pawpaw) funeral. I know that her soul lives, just as the others do, and I think the universe is determined to have everyone around me die until I really get that and am able to work within that belief system finally.

Another thing bothering me is the inhumanity of all of us humans. People in my neighborhood are talking about killing coyotes and “what do we do with the carcasses?” How callous is that? They are living things, and we moved into their homes when this farmland, which is in the country by the way, was developed. People call each other names, have no regard for life, and live in a state of fear and retribution of some sort of on a constant basis. I would be disgusted by my vibration isn’t that, it’s just confusion and overwhelming sadness. I would ignore it all but how can I? The polarization of our planet is real and it’s downright scary.

And then there’s the unethical guy at work, the person who makes me want another job. I just can’t abide it anymore, and it’s depressing. If I had Zeus’ thunderbolt I would smite all of these people, but would be sad about that too afterward. There seems to be no win-win.

But I know things are darkest before the dawn. I don’t see the light yet but surely it is there, somewhere.

Blessings, and #missingerin <3

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